Very good answer.

Does "[daughter] doesn't know about the pot" mean the pot the mom is smoking now or the pot she used to smoke when she was drinking?

Either way, Cary's answer nails it. The stuff with the husband will resolve itself if the LW stays focused on her own life.

But I couldn't deal with her at all for 5 years because the relationship did that much damage. He won't communicate because he is vulnerable and probably still loves you, but doesn't want to stick his hand into a pot of boiling water and hold it there until he gets used to it.

An open wound needs no salt.

We men are fragile things, we just like to act like we aren't.

Anyone got a tissue?

Go back, read Cary's answer again very carefully, twice if you need to, then follow his advice. He is right on target. I don't have anything more to offer, other than to follow Cary's advice. Good luck.

That's why they are exes. This is the kind of problem that really is not exactly a problem, if you can reframe it. Someone who is a selfish asshole doesn't want to have a relationship with you? Well, you win! This guy is bad for you, and he's helping you stay away from him. The best thing to say to him is thank you sir, you are correct to keep your distance. As far as your daughter is concerned, have two parties. That way, she gets twice the fun and you have half the aggravation. Problem solved!

You just graduated from alcohol to pot. That's not recovering from an addiction, it's just changing the form - hopefully the frequency, but with the addiction hanging right in there - it's just begging for a relapse - and this time with an illegal drug that could lose you your house, freedom and respect. And your daughter likely has an idea about the pot - I'm sure she knows you well enough to notice how sometimes you're in an altered state of mind, whether or not she knows exactly which drug is causing it.

Your ex - I don't see the problem? He went to a new religion, which you don't say is doing anything wrong for him, other than keeping him apart from you. And apparently he's managed to kick the alcohol completely. If you really believe in that religion, convert to it - you don't need his invitation. But if you don't - sounds to me like you're trying to get him back. Not the worst thing to do - but if he's not interested, there is simply nothing for you to do there. Move on, and a friendship and a more relaxed relationship with him will have room to grow, if it's going to. But you cannot force it.

Your ex is one of those things you cannot change. If he doesn't want more of a relationship, that's the way it is. I'm like you, I don't like to let go of relationships, but it's not always up to us!

Cary's advice is very good. I think the pot is not good for you.

Hi. I have a couple of thoughts on this subject:

My deceased partner was, before I met him, a notorious alcoholic. However, at the time I met him, he hadn't had a drink in several years. He DID like to smoke a little pot before we had sex, and I joined him. We were together 13 years before he died, and in that time he never touched alcohol. He eventually got bored with the pot and stopped that too. BTW, I don't think he EVER attended an AA meeting.

After his death, I got involved with meth and got addicted, even using it intravenously. I'm six years clean, but I stopped abstaining from alcohol after 2 years. I had never abused alcohol, and still haven't to this day. 1 or 2 is definitely enough for me. I still attend weekly meetings (though not AA...I don't qualify), and I'm open with my "use" of alcohol, much to a few persons' disdain. (I don't believe everything in the twelve-step philosophy, and I'm pretty vocal about that, too. Everyone is different.)

Having said all that, I still agree with Mr. Tennis that you seem to be "chipping" and you should be very careful. 2 years without alcohol was good for me, even though I didn't have an alcohol problem.

I also agree that it might be best for you to focus on your life and keep your ex at a cordial distance. There's really no going back; you're a different person now that you no longer drink. Let him go. It will leave you available for somone more suitable to the new you.

and to the LW, Sufi Islam (or Alawi as it is called in Turkey) is pretty cool. Being a Sufi is much, much cooler than being a pothead...although its true enough that on the subcontinent the two often go together. Sufi adherents hanging around the shrines smoke a ton of hashish. But that's besides the point.

If you really want to explore Sufi Islam, why not just do it on your own? Your husband is done taking care of you. I know that can be scary and hard to believe, but he's done. Accept it. Refusal to accept this will cause both of you a lot of pain.

As you study Sufi beliefs, you may meet someone else to share your lfe journey. Or maybe not. You have to learn to take care of yourself before you can share your life with another, that's the first thing. Your daughter sounds great. Emulate her!

The bit about 'reverting' to Islam...what's up with that? It's not like he's gone back to wetting the bed. Maybe that disdain for religion (all religion? or just Islam?) is coming through in your conversations with him. If it is, I really don't blame him for not wanting much to do with you. Islam may not be your cup of tea, but it appeals to millions of people around the world, and they seem perfectly okay with it.

And I think Cary is on to something, too, when he warns you about your pot use. Trading one addictive substance for another is not a good thing, and perhaps your using is not as secret as you think it is. If he is/was a recovering addict, too, perhaps he sees it in your behaviour. If so, and if that's why he's avoiding you - can you really blame him for protecting his own sobriety?

It's too bad that you don't have much of a relationship with him, but really...you have to look after yourself, get some real sobriety (which includes sobriety from drugs AND alcohol), and get on with your life. Live for yourself, and your children. Live well.