Crap, Cary, you're all wrong on this one. In fact, your answer sort of makes me furious. And yes, I am currently dealing with a 74-year-old mother-in-law on the edge of being unable to care for herself. But I am NOT going to tell her what to do, unless she is clearly unable to make her own decisions. Just because Cary and his siblings handled their aging parent poorly doesn't mean this letter writer is ready to th row in the towel on independent living.

LW... you simply make a Very Big Deal about having a Very Serious Conversation, invite your sister and your friends over, and tell them in the sweetest way possible that they need to stop insulting you in front of others. People who want to put you in a nursing home when you are perfectly capable of taking care of yourself are jerks and do not have your best interest at heart. Perhaps you could assure your friends that when (and yes, you do know it's a matter of "when" and not "if") you become unable to handle all this, you will gladly listen to their advice and do something else. In the meantime, make it clear to them that while you don't mind listening to their concerns, it's simply bad manners and hurtful to be ridiculing you in public.

Cary totally missed the boat here. This isn't about what you should or shouldn't do. It's about your sister and friend who are treating you poorly. Don't let them.

While it's good to plan for disasters and make certain others know their roles, I think most of Cary's advice is, in this instance, terrible.

One of the key things about aging well is enjoying the life you live. Moving is a huge stressor, and wide ranging friendships play a key role in maintaining mental health. Why should she in the first place undergo the stress -- she states her home is adapted to her health needs -- and in the second potentially lose the closeness with her support circle?

Relatives are not necessarily the best people to handle things. Friends can be more like family than those to whom we're related.

Plan for the worst, but stay where you're happy. Life is for living.

I think it's great you are doing so well at 75. I hope to be just like you. Some people are already very confused, very old by then... and then there are others, like yourself, apparently, who are thinking clearly and whose health is manageable. Some people do keep it together until the end, and, hopefully, you will be one of them. It's not inevitable that you will fade into an unthinking, crippled state before it's all over. Sometimes the end comes suddenly.

At 75, you certainly know that you will not live forever. And you likely will not keep doing as well as you are for all that long. If you are in denial about this, and have no people to look after you if you forget how to, then this could become a problem--- for others. But not likely for either your sister or your friend.

I see that your sister and your friend are both older... and maybe crankier. Perhaps they are envious that your life has not become restricted as theirs have. Perhaps they are worried about you. But they do need to stop with the criticism--if you can get them to. However, you cannot do what younger people can do-- you cannot tell them cut it out or you will stop seeing them. You would miss them, even though they are not being really nice right now. And you would not want to never see them again. That would be sad. Realize that they, too, are getting old, and changing. Ask them to be nicer, so that the time you still have together will be good. See if they will make a pact with you, a pact to treat each other as people you really really love and would not want to hurt. (Being family or old friends is not a free ticket to be mean.)

Cary seems to be bringing a lot of his family mess into this---and it is a mess when aging relatives "suddenly" cannot take care of themselves but have not prepared for this. He wants you to be prepared in case this happens, so it does not put such a painful burden, such a sadness on your family. He wants you to be pleasantly practical. If you have lined up a place to live with escalating care as you need it, then it will save much grief as your family will have to discuss, without your input, putting you into a home not of your choosing. These are his issues, and he would like to see you do better for both yourself and your family. It would be a good thing to do, actually. So consider it, please. It sounds like you have time to do this-- so enjoy the life you have now, and think about keeping it as nice as you can for you...and your family.

I reread your letter and see that your friend is younger...but still ask her to treat you nicer. Please.

tell 'em to f**k off. Seriously. Enjoy your life and if you want to live another 10-15, watch what you eat. If you could give a crap, pass the butter.

You sound like you're doing very well and just fine, thank you. Make sure they understand your position.

I understand Cary's advice to have a plan even if the LW seems to be doing great on his/her own right now. My mother is 82 and was healthy and independent until she hit 80. At that time, she developed some significant health problems. I have watched her become less and less able to cope with managing her affairs. I have had to intervene by making her go to doctors, assessing her condition and encouraging her to take the steps necessary to address the problems (included surgery that would have been better performed two years ago). Like LW, she does not want to move from her house and give up her independence. But sadly her medical condition is forcing her to change. It would have been so better for everyone if she had been willing to have a plan.

I contrast my mom's situation to my grandmother's. My grandmother planned for her future on her own. She moved to an independent living situation that met her needs when she was still healthy and was able to live there until she died (at almost 101 years old with her mind still clear). She made a plan and carried it out - no one had to tell her do so. I have so much respect for her.

I am medically trained and am able to help my mom see the reality of her condition (and she trusts me even if she doesn't always follow my advice). Making a plan doesn't mean LW need to give in and lose independence right away. It just means LW starts the process of assessing alternatives while he/she has the health and capability to do so.