try setting a realistic short-term goal, like doing pushups or something

That's beautiful. And true, Keats-like.

zoloft

I'm in favour of giving something a try, even if it seems like an imperfect choice. I struggled for several years trying to find the perfect career path: law, medicine, teaching, writing, editing, business...I just couldn't decide. And the more I tried to figure it out, the more confused and hesitant I got. (I think Blake was right: "Those who desire but act not, breed pestilence." Or something like that.)

I read someone's advice on this issue a while ago (maybe on this site?). He quoted his father, who said "at some point it helps to make a decision, even if it turns out to be the wrong one." It all depends on how you frame it. A lot of the young professionals you describe are sort of figuring it out as they go along. This is OK, in my view. You don't have to map everything out in advance.

I would also check out the possibility that you might be more here than mere indecision or existential angst. I went through some pretty rough spells (I have a family history of depression) and for a long time was determined to tough it out alone. (It didn't help that the two or three professionals at the time I consulted failed to recognize the signs of depression, and basically gave me useless advice.) It doesn't mean that you have to "medicalize" your situation--nonmed approaches such as exercise, meditation, eating properly, etc can be helpful for many people--but it helps to know what you're dealing with. There is a difference between being an iconoclast and being dysfunctional and depressed.

I love reading you and this was a beautiful response.

...a little like I am after a glass or two of wine, but I'm glad to hear it can happen without alcohol too.

LW, the reality is that when nothing "comes to you," when the personality tests fail to deliver an answer in terms of vocation, as is sometimes the case, then you just have to pick something and go with it, to pay the bills. If the first one doesn't work, try something else, until you find your way in the world. And whatever that way turns out to be, learn to be happy with it.

That is what it means to be pragmatic, and you can do it if you try.

Because it matters, you know. If you are 25, deal. It's part of the package, being 25. Not sure where you fit in, with whom and how.

Not finished college? I laugh--haha. So few people (despite appearances) have finished college at 25. They took off a year that stretched into five, or they were about as mature at 18 as a fourteen year old, and went off to be the best shoe salesman at Macy's while they were figuring out what to do next.

Instead of looking at all the things that you haven't done, start to catalog the ones you have, big and small. Learned to walk? check. Learned to eat with a spoon? a fork? to talk? to write? check, check, check and check again.

If you haven't finished college and don't care, then don't. If you haven't finished college and want to, then do. Even if you ARE 65. There are people, right now, getting degrees who have passed their 70th birthdays.

Do you want close friends, a "serious" relationship with another person? Then be a close friend, BE the person who can be called when somebody else is too sick to deal. Be the loving person you want to find, and it'll be easier to find him/her/them.

When I read your letter, I get sad. Not because you feel so out of the stream of life, but because you are so focused on how much you feel so out of the stream of life, but haven't yet tried the one thing that will get you into it: jumping in.

Beautiful response, Cary. Keats-like, indeed.

And LW, I felt a spooky sense of synchronicity in reading your letter, having just spent a couple of hours writing to an old friend who goes for long stretches without responding to any of my attempts to connect. I too, suffer from the malaise of feeling like a perpetual visitor, guest, outsider. I too, long to feel that I belong somewhere, with someone, or some group. Being adopted has always given me an explanation for this, but it’s not a necessary ingredient for the feeling of loneliness or social isolation.

I’m 45 and I have finally found a profession I find meaningful and in alignment with my values and innate strengths, and am in graduate school preparing for it. While in school, I connect with my fellow students in the program. But during the break, living in this new town, being the new person again, I also feel very tired of always trying, trying to find a way to connect with people who already have partners, social circles, and family ties.

Loneliness starts wearing a groove in our minds, and creates behaviors that perpetuate loneliness; it produces neuro-chemicals that are unhealthy. However, it’s true that meditation, exercise, and good diet can help, as can therapy and belonging to groups. Last time I was new in town, my deadly loneliness went away when I found some artistic circles to belong to, and attended the monthly meetings on a regular basis. From these came friendships that endure, even though I moved away to attend school. Although I love my grad program, and getting my professional training is pragmatic, I sometimes wonder whether I was wise to move away, just as my sense of social belonging was starting to finally gel. Sigh.

I have been browsing in the following book, (Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection by John T. Cacioppo and William Patrick), and think I’d better read it, and do some more research on how to cure loneliness and the sense of social isolation. Being one of the more rare types, in terms of the Meyers Briggs Personality Type Indicator, I suspect it’s always going to be hard to find people with whom I feel at home.

However, what stymies me is how to get over the pain of receiving the silent treatment from a dear friend of 15 years with whom I feel very attuned and seen by - when he consents to be around. He seems to need my company very little, though, although I would happily marry the guy. Wish I could turn that longing off. But until then, I keep going to therapy, reading about Attachment theory, and loneliness, and I keep on reaching out to people. But I too get tired. So thanks for writing your letter, because I needed to read the advice as well.

Good luck on finding your circle of warm affectionate ties.