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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
You're already overwhelmed.
The stuck up LW is so impressed by her boyfriend's thick wallet (yes, they are rich...please read her fawning description of their lifestyle...if they aren't fabulously wealthy, she desperately wants to leave the impression that they are) that she's willing to overlook his daughter living in the same building and being totally neglected by him on this scale! What can we hope for from her? Nothing! She's a selfish skank who is into the guy's fortune--nothing else.
I'm not convinced the nanny is this lovely lady she describes, either. A nanny can raise a well-adjusted child by herself, and many do. The child sounds passive-agressive and overly compliant--both signs that the nanny may be controlling and even abusive in private (it happens). The nanny wants the child back, but the child doesn't seem to want to--and she left the nanny in the first place and tried to move in with her parents--why? Something is fishy here.
But the LW and her boyfriend both have their heads so deep into their own asses that they'd never know.
Tragic story with no good endings. It's already too late, and the personalities involved are too warped.
Also I'm not so sure about the mom--what, did she just walk off, screaming and foaming at the mouth, leaving the child on a street in Bombay? I somehow don't think so, although this is the way this LW breathlessly tells it. Did she marry or get a job abroad, leaving the child in the care of the father or sending her back to him? More likely, I somehow think. I just get this impression that the LW is a liar and a drama queen--the daughter is to ugly to ever marry? Really? Gahhhhh. Also, it sounds a little third world to suggest that you are saddled with a daughter until she marries.
This letter was written by a real hyena, I'm afraid. Nanny doesn't sound much better, and Papa is the worst of the lot. Poor Anna!
Your advice was right on, two thumbs up! Although I doubt that this mental and moral midget is capable or willing to take it.
Because I have seen kids like this 16 year old, with similar parental situations.
I think I have to agree with Mr. Tennis' advice. Had I the impression that the Letter-writer was not self absorbed and selfish, I might take a different view. If I thought she gave a damn about this kid I'd have a different view. On the other hand, if she takes Cary's advice, she will be replaced by the father with another version of herself, or perhaps worse.
Look at the situation a bit. The Letter writer is now about 25. The hooked up with "Dad" four years ago, when she was 21. The Father is, on the face of it, pretty well off, indeed probably wealthy and north of at p;east his mid-30s -- indeed was north of 30 when they met. In many respects though even then he seems like a pretty unattractive person. At that point he had a 12 year old daughter, who on its face had emotional problems. The letter writer was very happy to be the center of his attention, while he condescended to a once-a-week meal with the 12 year old. I'm sorry, but this does not paint a pretty picture of the letter writer, or the father.
Now it seems that after watching this for four years (and the neglect by the way was for at least 6 years) for some reason the father has decided (in a pretty half-assed way) to step up to the plate -- and the girlfriend is resentful -- wow! I am sorry, but the girl-friend also reminds me of people I know, unpleasant little gold-diggers, who attach themselves to wealthy men and women for what they can get (and by the way the men (usually) at issue pretty well deserve them.) Life is no longer a bed of roses or her so she is mad. Unfortunately, her replacement will almost certainly be someone just like her.
About the Nanny, I have very mixed views. She seems in many respects to have been a disaster, in that she has left the 16 year old with very limited life skills (but then we do not know what the child's state was at age 10 -- maybe she has done a good job from a bad start.) But even if she has not done a great job she has one key redeeming feature -- she obviously gives a shit about the 16 year old, which is something she clearly needs.
And by the way, a friend of mine just married a multi-year girlfriend, who spent many of those years helping two of his daughters deal with the emotional fallout of their very screwed up mother -- and not only does his family (and both sets of daughters love her), but everyone respects her for the role she took on in helping these kids sort out their lives. That was not an overnight process either -- it encompassed dropping out and going back to college, unsuitable boyfriends and everything else you could see as a problem, and a hell of a lot of patience on her part (the father can be exasperating too.)
What is it you love about this man? Seriously, I would have major, major reservations about marrying someone this clueless-to-out-and-out-indifferent about his obviously-needs-help daughter. Suppose you get hitched, but later become ill or need help at some point--will he farm _you_ out to nurses and a separate apartment or something? At best, he sounds like a big, irresponsible kid; at worst, a neglectful, dangerously-oblivious person. If he can't care for his daughter the way he should, how do you know he will care for you when things aren't always romantic and peachy?
So LW is 29 and was 25 when she hooked up with the father. 25 is old enough to know better, to be able to see his conduct towards a 12 year old through adult eyes. 29 is old enough to understand a 16 year old in serious emotional pain.
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Salon headlines in your mailbox
