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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
Like the other commentors and Cary, I think this situation isn't what's best for you. You should get a place of your own and if you want to continue a relationship with the guy there's no problem with that. It seems like living with this girl is what's bothering you and that's perfectly fair. Living with people isn't easy in the best of circumstances. Dad doesn't seem to be able to make decisions or handle things. Do what's right for you and it'll no doubt be best for everyone. This arrangement you have sounds terrible.
First, I could not agree more with Cary's advice.
Second, I weep for this girl that this is the lame-ass father she's saddled with--and the peevish, resentful potential stepmother she's saddled with. Frankly, it sounds like the sole source of stability and nurturing in the child's life is the nanny. The nanny at least apparently feels some true affection towards her, enjoys spending time with her, etc. It's shame she can't adopt the girl; I have a feeling she's the best shot at a happy life the girl has.
Still, I actually don't blame the LW all that much; I'd probably have a hard time embracing the situation and the daughter as well. But it seems clear that the LW is projecting all of her resentment onto the girl and identifying her as The Problem, when the real problem is the boyfriend. How has he let the situation come to this? How can she not see what a piss-poor, negligent father he is being to his own child, and how can that not enrage her?
And sadly, I think it's entirely possible that the girl is more than just poorly educated and overly sheltered; given the history of mental illness with the mother, it seems reasonable that some of her disoriented, disconnected behaviors are actually indicators of mental illness. And it doesn't sound like that's being addressed at all by her parents.
Good lord, what a sad story, all around. By all means, the LW must not marry this man. But so much more is going on here, and the sad likelihood is that nothing's going to be done about it.
It's not possible to drive until at least 16; it's not possible in most places to go for a haircut alone until you are able to drive.
Most 16 year olds don't do their own laundry; fresh towels appear when the laundry fairy puts them in the bathroom. It's fairly normal for teenaged girls to struggle with the inconvenience of menstrual periods and to be embarrassed when they get blood all over something (which happens to everyone.) It is embarrassing to have to get a fresh set of towels when it's not the ordinary time to do laundry.
People who have live in nannies and maids (or even mothers who make their children's beds) don't learn to make beds by magic. They have to be shown how. Likewise, people aren't born knowing how to cook. There has never been a 16 year old girl since the beginning of time whose stepmother has thought she knew how to dress appropriately.
Liking to read books is not a sin. In fact, it's a trait I admire in others. Being a klutz is not a sin either. Nor is being ugly - although I should point out the dangers inherent in judging the future beauty of a woman by her appearance at 16. I have an uncle who went to high school with Cybil Shepherd. He reports that she sat "at the ugly table" and was considered hopelessly homely.
I agree with everyone who says this woman should get out of this relationship - not just for the reasons given but also because the father seems to be a star spangled horse's ass with a heapin' helping of sociopathy on the side - but I thought the poor kid needed someone to speak up for her.
You articulated what needed to be done in a clear and nonjudgemental way. I wish I could do the same.
Dear LW,
You're younger than I am but I still wasn't as selfish and obtuse as you are when I was in my twenties. Your boyfriend's daughter sounds like she has some emotional problems from being abandoned by BOTH loser parents. I think that's fair given the neglect she's suffered. What I don't get is why you can't see what a poor character your boyfriend has been to abdicate his responsibilties. Time to grow up. Parents OWE their children a lot, everything they can give frankly. If they can't do that, they shouldn't have children.
When I was sixteen (and seventeen, and eighteen, and nineteen) I was exactly like the young woman you are describing, and for almost the same reasons. My family was rich, but my father was absent and my mother absent and cold (which was worse).
I had a driver to drive me to school, a horde of nannies to prepare everything I needed. I drowned myself in science-fiction and fantasy, I has almost no friends, I didn't know how to do anything practical, I would have used the dirty towel without a second thought and I certainly wouldn't have known how to get my hair cut.
I was spoiled, but I don't think it was my main characteristic: my main characteristic was that (for many reasons) I didn't adapt to the practical world. And because I knew I was not adapted, and I felt the spite or the exasperation of everybody around, I withdrew each day further in my own little world.
Twenty-two years later: I am a divorced mother of two happy, beautiful and very practical kids, who are very social and have many friends. I left my parents home and struggled financially for years, but now, I am a professional and rather successful fantasy and sci-fi writer (in France) (I'm French). I am not the most practical of persons, but I have a full and rich life, I am very happy... and I have an excellent hairdresser. :)
I adapted, and I used my inner life to my advantage. I made my inner life my work, and in my job, if you are a little un-practical, people say: oh, that's ok, she's a writer, after all. (Well played, right?)
There is a point to this story. Well, many points.
1- People adapt. If her attitude is the result of her education and not a mental problem (and from what I read, I don’t see any), she will get better. Maybe not in her father’s home, but later, when she is on her own.
2- You are exasperated by her, which is perfectly normal. You think she is spoiled and doesn’t try to change… and you are right. But she feels your exasperation – she has to – and it makes her feel even more clumsy, even more inadapted. If she feels your anger, your worries, she will withdraw even more.
3- The fact that she is completely introverted (for now) is not a bad thing. She is creating who knows what (worlds ? stories? Images?) in her mind. There are a lot of jobs (publishing, communication, marketing, and all the creative fields – books, movies, videogames….) where she will be able to use whatever she is dreaming right now.
So, what to do?
Well… love her. Be her friend. Do not be her mother or stepmother – anyway, you don’t want that.
Imagine that you are her roommate and best friend. What would you do then, for her own good? How would you help her? You would (one) make her feel good about herself, (two) laugh with her of her own mistakes and quirks, so she can feel that they are not that big a deal, and (three) help her to become more autonomous by not doing her laundry (etc) for her. The best thing is to help her, step by step, to establish routines… but it will take time, she will never be good at it, and you have to never, never forget that it is NOT a big deal.
If her laundry is not done… well, her laundry is not done. If her towels are dirty… her towels are dirty. Never dramatize, laugh about it, laugh with her (not at her), do not do the chores for her, but propose to do them with her, to help. Do not get mad, do not get exasperated (if you can!), do not order her around, accept her as she is, love her as she is, and slowly, she will blossom.
Then, do whatever you can to help her get her independence as soon as possible (in two or three years, maybe?).
When she will be thrown in cold water, she will swim. :)
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Salon headlines in your mailbox
