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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
Ah, the word "nanny"... it's just a word, but it means very different things in different parts of the world.
Having a "nanny" does not mean lots of money is on the scene, particularly if the dad is sharing a condo with a friend and splitting rent. It sounds like she's living on her own, with her own children. That tells me that she's more of a family friend who's taken in this kid because she might be friends with the family of the girl or her father, or might be from the same village, or a distant relative. That relationship is not always the purely financial one. Where was the mother living when she abandoned the girl? Was the mother living in another country with her daughter while her husband lived elsewhere? I might be reading a bit too much between the lines here, but I'm just getting a sense that this story has elements to it that have less to do with fabulous riches and more to do with cross cultural confusion. I have a good friend who was effectively raised by a "nanny" that was a distant cousin. Very little actual money changed hands in that upbringing, but lots of family ties and goodwill did.
I'm not going to get into the moral judgements of you or your partner, or the situation. It sounds like the nanny is effectively this girl's nurturer. The nanny is the constant, not you, not your boyfriend. Your guy isn't able or willing to nurture her in the way it seems she needs. I'm sure he thinks he's done an OK job with nurturing her in the way he probably feels he can, but it clearly isn't what she needs. The soiled towels and general helplessness isn't down to the nanny, it's down to the girl asking for the kind of attention and care she did not receive as a child. That being said, if the nanny is happy to have her, why not let her stay with the nanny? You both need to spend more time around this girl, but if you aren't cut out to nurture this girl, I don't see why either of you should pretend. You'll do a halfway job of it, you'll both be miserable, and she won't get what she needs from you.
This does tell you lots about how this man considers his responsibilities as a father and a carer. It sounds like he's moving the girl in with him now that he's living with you (a woman he'll possibly marry), and once she reached 16, an age of quasi-independence. But not before. I don't know if his parents are still living, but you need to think about how he'll ask you to be involved with them as well as with this girl.
If you decide to stay with this man, you will not be able to count on much beyond financial support from this man with your own children. If you are OK with that, and you're OK with the way he has/hasn't parented this 16 yr old girl, then stay. If not, then go.
Have you sat down and talked to Anna about the things that she'll need to do/know to function as an adult?
Have you sat down and talked to Anna about what it was like, having her mother morph into a crazy person over what must have seemed like a day?
Have you sat down and talked with Anna about anything at all, or just blithely assumed that she would remain somehow on the outskirts of your relationship with her father?
Figure out if you are adult enough, loving enough to accept her as she is, while endeavoring to help her grow up and make better decisions.
Based on some of her behaviors (the bloody towel is disturbing, not for the reason you seem to think, but because it seems to represent a break with reality) it could be that Anna has some mental health issues of her own. Are you ready to be the stepmother to a mentally ill teenager, young adult, adult?
If the answers to these questions are no, then, please, leave. If the flat where you live is NOT a home for Anna, then you have lied. She and her father are a family. And you have not made it a home.
"Looking at the bigger picture, going back to stay with the nanny is a short-term solution. I should think about Anna as a permanent feature in my life with my boyfriend should we get married. Like it or not, I will be her stepmother, and I can't keep offloading her to someone else because she can't take care of herself and I refuse to play caretaker or teacher. In my mind, I can hardly take care of myself."
I know of distanced arrangements like this in Asia, particularly among the wealthy, but your writing fluency and sudden angst after so many years suggests you are not Asian. Why is the nanny a short-term solution? She's been the parent for SIX YEARS. The entire time the child has been back in your country. Why, after six years of not offloading, but standing by why her father offloaded her, do you suddenly think that a wedding ring obliges you to think differently? I think you need, PDQ, a conversation with Dad. "I can't and won't play parent, what impact does that have on our marriage intentions? ...Are you intending her to stay on with Nanny?...I think she should be evaluated/given therapy etc.". If this letter is true (and I rarely doubt them but this is so callous it's a little unbelievable), the money seems to have divorced the entire situation from sanity if not reality. You're going to have to (a) settle for more of the same living arrangements (she goes to the Nanny's where she is at least welcome), or you can (b) create this entire drama, that Dad doesn't appear to feel, around your sudden change in obligation after a wedding.
And at 29 why on earth can't you take care of yourself? I'd suggest you hang on to Daddy's financial cushion if you're so helpless yourself.
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Salon headlines in your mailbox
