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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
I posted earlier and wanted to add something the LW should definitely be asking herself, since she's considering marriage...
Would you want the man, you claim to love, be the father of your future children? You already know that he does not care about his current child. That will not change 'just' because you'll be the mother. Are you willing to gamble that he 'might' improve?
Or, are you considering to remain childless yourself? Which would make sense from your impatience expressed in your letter.
Raising any child - regardless of (dis)ability - is time consuming and takes a lot of patience. A lot of the things you describe and take for granted as 'common sense', need modeling and consistency. Anna has had none, and you haven't been willing to be the role model.
Great response Kelly Q. You mentioned that if you were religious you would pray. Thanks for the reminder. I am religious and will pray for them. Peace be with you as well.
It sounds like LW was, herself, somewhat neglected as a child. It is very hard for such people to PARENT, much less step-parent as their resentment of never having been taken care of spills over onto helpless people they are now supposed to take care of.
If the step-parent was raised to be extremely self-reliant ie, denied a childhood, she would be extremely frustrated at the 'easy' things Anna is unable to do for herself.
Neither of you deserves this. Without judging the dad for lack of info, he definitely needs to take Anna to a psych eval.
You, LW, need to be on your own for a while and figure out how to take care of yourself.
I honestly hope this letter is fake.
All in all, I agree with Cary's advice, except this; whether the LW marries the guy or not, she ought to do the decent thing and get the ball rolling on getting this girl some help. Maybe she was horribly spoiled,or traumatized by her childhood, or she has ADHD or aspergers. It is impossible to tell from a letter. Whatever the case, the child has been neglected. Light a fire under the father's ass. Get the child assessed by a professional or professionals. Follow their advice and sign her up for therapy, get her into the recommended programs, whatever. Hell, push the whole damn family into therapy. Whatever is wrong with that child's life will not be solved by foisting her off onto a nanny or shipping her away to school.
She may not love the kid, but I hope the LW has enough humanity to realize that this situation isn't right.
I must say, I'm somewhat suspicious of this letter. The author comes across as such a monster, and the 16 year old as such a cypher, and the lifestyles so gorgeous, that it seems vaguely fictional. The part that rings most true is the author's inability to understand why the 16 year old much have things spelled out for her that the author believes should be intuitive.
The idea that you could have anything approaching the expectations of this girl that you would from someone who grew up with one or more lovings parents who emphasized independance is insane. Do you hear yourself? The child is, for all intents and purposes, an orphan. Its a miracle she functions at all. And you despise her. The stunning thing is that you don't suggest that she despises you. You don't suggest that she has been even remotely rude to you. How could she not? Forget loving her like your own, you don't even seem to have basic love that one human can feel for another.
You are right that a person's children are a part of their lives forever. If you want no relationship with this girl, leave. Now. Forever. Quickly. I doubt this will cause your boyfriend to suddenly make up for lost years but who knows.
To that I say: spell them out. And kindly. It costs you nothing. You say that no one had to spell them out for you, but (1) everyone is different, and (2) you had people modeling the behavior they wanted to see from your earliest years. You take that for granted. I have adopted children who I got at the ages of 9 and 15. My experience growing up with 2 loving parents has remarkabley little application to their lives. I'm not always as patient as I might be, but I at least get that much.
Dear Universal Parent, bless this child. You have given her books. Lead her to people who will love her. Show her her worth. And bless the author. She seems strangely loveless. If these people can love one another, show them now. And if not, may they go in peace, the child with her father, the woman to a new home. So be it.
Everyone seems to think that the LW goes and Dad/Nanny start being proper parents. Consider that the nanny is part of the problem here. The girl is spoiled rotten? Never taught basic things?
She doesn't seem like the nanny on television.
In addition, half of what everyone is considering pathology isn't atypical for teenagers.
I think the LW has some fairly rigid ideas about how the potential step daughter should behave. Some stuff isn't anyone's fault. Other things the kid will figure out if she has to. The rest is just a question mark.
The LW shouldn't live in the flat -- I agree with that. I don't think the LW ending the relationship will transform the dad. He will just find another girl friend, and muddle along with his daughter.
I will say that the LW might want to move along just because she finds dad + daughter an unattractive package deal. But if the guy is the love of your life, etc. there is no need to sacrifice in order to provide the dad with a better opportunity to do what he isn't inclined to do under any circumstances.
But if you are going to ditch the guy, it does sound sort of nobel to make the sacrifice, etc. Go for it.
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