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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
Some posters are correct that the girl is likely doomed if the LW leaves, but that does not mean she should stay.
This is a sad story because it's hard to imagine a good outcome for Anna. DeBlock306 pointed out that if the LW leaves her boyfriend, he will most likely continue to neglect Anna and possibly invite another girlfriend into their lives. I would go a step further and predict that he will resent Anna for ruining his relationship with the LW. These are two adults who seem to think everything would be just perfect if they weren't stuck with a screwed up 16 year old. If the LW leaves because of Anna, her father will blame Anna.
That said, the LW must leave. Those who are suggesting she step up and become the mother figure need to re-read the letter: She doesn't want or even like Anna. She resents her, blames her, criticizes her, and seems shockingly unsympathetic toward what sounds like the childhood from hell. The LW has also contributed to the neglect of this girl by allowing and (explicitly or implicitly) encouraging a situation in which her own father rarely even saw her. She says it "suited [her] fine."
If LW stays, she is not going to suddenly start encouraging the father to radically change his behavior so that Anna comes first. It's very clear that the LW would be very unhappy with a change in priorities. Even if she were so stung by our collective criticism that she vowed to try for a while, she would inevitably end up cracking from the strain of pretending.
My guess is that Anna is fully aware that the LW thinks she is ugly, stupid, and in the way. The LW's presence must be a constant source of stress and hurt for her. No wonder she spends so much time away from home.
I think we are all frustrated that the father did not write this letter, because we wish we could talk some sense into him. Anna is his responsibility, and he has failed horribly. But we can't write letters to the father. The only question before us, really, is whether LW should stay or go. She should go. If I were religious, I would pray for that poor girl.
I have seldom seen such direct honest and sound advice as what you have given the woman not ready to be a step mom. If she is not up to the task (which is not her job) then she should move on. Further, it seems to me that he has been outsourcing the care and raising of his daughter for way too long. A man without the capacity to be a good dad (His teen aged daughter lived a few floors down with a nanny and her rarely saw her? Really?) would more than likely be a poor husband to her.
If the LW marries this guy, she will have to be a mom to the clueless, irresponsible dad as well as to the daughter. And I agree with other posters that if the LW does nothing else, she should encourage dad to have daughter checked out by a psychologist and a doctor. It sounds like the girl has developmental difficulties and dad can't or won't face up to that. Helping them both would be the right thing to do.
LW should NOT enter into any marriage with this guy thinking 'well, the girl will be out of the way soon enough'
Obviously the parenting will not end at age 18, nor shoud it in this case. Clearly the parents did little or nothing to prepare this kid for living. I speak from experience - all my kids, ages 6 - 11 can make their own breakfast or lunch and they can $#@)(U#@ing dress themselves. Unless LW is willing to take on a decade long commitment to helping out kid, she should keep relationship with BF informal and not contractual.
I've seen other peeps try to move into a relationship with teenage daughter, and it's not good. The kid needs a full time parent, not one parent who is waiting for kid to leave.
I swear I've read this letter before in this space. Except it was the LW's boyfriend's obnoxious son, maybe.
He must be at least 36, since he has a 16-year-old daughter. He is eleven or more years older than you. You are 25, only nine years older than she.
Yikes! You and the daughter might combine your Barbies, and play pretty well together.
Do you imagine he will be a better dad to your future daughter, than he was to his daughter with his first wife, starting sixteen years ago? Hah! Why do you believe his first wife went cuckoo? He and his daughter drove her nuts.
Is that what you want for your own self?
The daughter comes with the boyfriend. Take care of her if you really like him. Maybe, even take care of her if you decide to leave her dad. You have made a connection with somebody who really needs help. Help. To hell with her dad.
Well... Sorry. But my advice still applies.
Let me introduce you to my pal Mike, maybe.
Before she moved in LW did not live with Dad. So, Dad kept his girlfriend and his lover apart. That doesn't mean he neglected his daughter. Maybe the daughter chose to be with the nanny whenever LW was around.
Some kids are difficult. Being raised by a mother who turned out to have mental problems is a recipe for difficult. It's a lot harder to parent a difficult kid. Dad may be trying. Since it sounds like the girl lived overseas before Dad rescued her, they probably didn't have the closest relationship. It's hard to be a hands-on parent across an ocean.
My daughter (10) always has her head in a book, doesn't see the point of tidying her bed or room, left to her own devices is iffy on hygiene, and has completely unrealistic ideas about her talents. Her brother has always been a lot easier to parent, a lot easier to teach basic life skills to. But, my daughter does not have Asbereger's, ADD or whatever. She's just stubborn and actively avoids responsibility. I'm a stay-at-home Mom, active and involved happily married to her father. We may not be the best parents in the world, but we try.
Take pity on Dad, who got a a kid he probably didn't know well who was suffering a lot of trauma from watching her Mom lose her marbles and dealing with the consequences. He could use some professional parenting advice, but he may not be the evil, selfish, neglectful parent that all you Saloners have made him out to be.
That being said, LW, if you can't find some love for Anna, see her potential, you should move yourself out of her father's house.
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