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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
I don't know why this letter is pushing my buttons so much.
There is no way that the LW is the sanest person around. You know why? She thought that it was no problem that her single dad boyfriend was never with his kid. It "worked" for them (or rather, allowed her to pretend that she was in a relationship with a guy with no responsibilities).
I totally disagree that this woman could be helpful to the girl. She holds her in contempt and views her as a burden. And she loves the neglectful asshole who abused this kid. Yeah, that's sane.
Oh, this is sad. Sounds like my brother and his daughter. He dates, has relationships, and nothing is ever permanent. Maybe not because of him, not because of his daughter, but because of the way they interact with each other, which is painful to watch when they visit. She is 19, learning disabled (still trying to graduate h.s.) and socially clueless. Her mother died when she was 3. She needs help with grooming (she has horrific dandruff and won't wash her hair on her own), clothing, table manners (sniffing food before you serve yourself at the table is not ok). My sister and I try to do what we can from the other side of the country, but my brother resists any help. It is impossible to suggest, let alone advise. (My sister is a special ed teacher with three adult children; I have two daughters, one slightly older, one the same age as his, so we are qualified). My advice: do not take on the responsibility of raising this child unless you are fully on-board and your boyfriend is willing to listen to you. And you, with no child-raising experience, need to be careful to educate yourself as to her situation and please, reach out to other parents. My deceased sister-in-law's attitude was "Just because my daughter is adopted, doesn't mean I don't know what I am doing!" And unfortunately, my brother seems to think he knows what he is doing, and has never tried to find out what the norm is. He's raising her in isolation. My neice is loving and loveable and I could do so much more for her if he would take some advice and seek some help. Readers, do not criticize the LW; if she were to marry this man and take on the responsibility for raising this teen, she would be on her own; this man, like my brother, doesn't know what he is doing and doesn't want to know. When you leave him, please, for the sake of his daughter, make it clear to him that you are leaving not because of his daughter, but because of his inability to raise his daugther. If you stay, God bless you. Find help and do your best. But you must ask yourself if you want to stay with a man who cannot connect with his own daughter and leaves her to the paid help.
I'd go for Cary's suggestion to the letter writer. Run away!
The father is responsible for the daughter, the letter writer is not. But if she stays with the father as a married or de-facto partner, then she would be putting herself in a situation where she would be expected to be responsible for the daughter.
If she can't handle the 'messed-up' daughter then she should leave. Perhaps the girls father will meet someone who may be willing to look after the girl... who knows? But staying would eliminate this possibility and simply create an unhappy and unsustainable family unit.
Whats in the best interest of the daughter is to have a stepmother who loves her.. if the letter writer feels she cannot be this person then she should simply leave now.
I knew it was only a matter of time before someone brought it up, and what it is is a way to blame the poor girl for her own problems instead of her parents.
But then I'm not a diagnostician. I fully agree that she should probably be evaluated by a professional. She could indeed have some kind of developmental disability--Asperger's is but one of a whole array of possibilities. She could have other inherited mental health issues. But seriously, none of the adults responsible for her seem to like or care about her very much, with the possible exception of the nanny, and appear to have taught her no life skills whatsoever.
Yes, even if you don't have Asperger's, you have to be taught life skills. My otherwise very normal, intelligent, 27-year-old roommate, for instance, doesn't know how to take out the trash. I couldn't figure out why. Then her mother came to visit. The woman stuffed coffee grounds and eggshells underneath the trash can liner rather than take it out when it was full. My roommate never learned to take out the trash because her mother never learned to take out the trash.
What do you expect of a girl whose parents have ignored her for six years? It sounds like if someone who loved her made a committment to teaching her a few things and giving her the attention--and probably mental health care--that she needs, she still has a decent chance of turning out okay.
Actually, the description of the 16 year old girl the writer gives makes me think that she probably has severe ADHD. Her behaviors are not unlike that of my teenager, who also has ADHD, when not properly medicated. Such as, speed reading one book after another and letting practically everything else fall by the wayside, the lack of attention to personal hygiene, the absence of the knowledge of details to take care of herself and achieve what seems like simple goals, and the terrible grades. Females often remain undiagnosed well into adulthood, if ever at all, because they usually do not display the "hyperactive" behavior than most people think is required for ADHD. Rather, girls are described as absent minded, staring out the window daydreaming, easily forgetful, unable to complete tasks that require multiple steps, "absent minded-professor". I would advise the letter writer to invest just a little more in this girl before abandoning her to a father who obviously has no clue. First, just google "adhd in girls" and see if that doesn't bear an uncanny resemblance to what you are dealing with. Then, talk to her teachers at school and get them to write letters describing the behaviors and problems with the school work, then get yourself and this girl to the nearest pediatrician and lay it on the line by telling the doc what you have seen from her in her homelife. Any pediatrician can prescribe the necessary meds to control adhd, and soon you may find that she has become so much more manageable. If you get her the help she needs, she will like herself more, and you will like her more and from there you can start to build a decent relationship with her. The longer she goes undiagnosed and untreated, the harder this life will be for her. I think you have been given an opportunity to change a life and you will be made a better person for it.
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