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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
I have nothing more to add, because tbone said it best:
"Please be advised this man is incapable of truly knowing how to care for someone."
guys, the LW is a shallow 29-year-old. she's not a mother, nor a stepmother. and yet she's still mature enough to say in the letter that she's not ready to be one, either.
at least she has the honesty to admit this . . . unlike her boyfriend, who is already a father but seems monumentally unsuited and uninterested in being one.
so yeah, the LW isn't anyone's idea of the ideal stepmom . . . but I think she's doing the admirable ADULT duty of stepping back and saying, "you know what? I don't think I'm ready to do this job properly, the way it deserves to be done." so why don't we let her take cary's advice, meaning back out now, and be grateful for the rest of her life (and theirs!) that she was mature enough to at least ask, first, whether or not she was ready to take on a lifelong commitment of such magnitude.
most of us have doubts every day of our lives. not all of us are wise enough to recognize when these doubts are truly big and valid, and to take action to if so. let her make the right choice and give her a break.
Not because you don't want to raise a seriously screwed-up teenager -- that's OK, because frankly neither would I, but because you refuse to acknowledge that she is a screwed-up human being due to things that were done to her by her piece of shit parents -- including her "father" who has ignored her for the last six years of her life.
You deserve nothing.
I've never been one to jump on the "Fake!" bandwagon because usually its the discussion that follows rather than the letter itself that interests me, so who cares if its real or not, but in this case I hope this is a phony letter because just knowing that there are people like you in this world makes me want to become a vigilante.
This letter sounds a little like the plot of the book Love Walked In -- absent/uncaring father, little girl abandoned by her crazy mom, young stepmom forced to step in.
Anyway, I think that both the LW and her boyfriend are horrible jerks. I said it. Horrible jerks. First off, what kind of parent barely sees his own kid? And second, what kind of person thinks that a neglectful, uncaring parent is a suitable mate? Why would you consider marrying a person who can't muster up the ability to parent his own child?
I feel really sorry for the little girl in question, and am glad that she has one person in her life who cares about her -- the nanny who was paid to do so.
The LW needs to leave her boyfriend, since she's not ready to be a parent. And the boyfriend needs to man up and do his job as a parent and take care of his daughter.
The LW didn't create this situation; it sounds as if she were still fetal tissue when she became involved with the father and probably had no idea what she was getting into. And don't blame the mother - she's seriously mentally ill. Hardly good mother material.
It sounds as if the girl has Asperger's syndrome; she certainly has some questionable genetic markers. It would be nice if the LW hung out a bit and took the girl for a work up.
...the LW did help to create this situation. While the little girl was downstairs with the nanny being ignored by her father, the LW was having her big romance. That's all that mattered to her -- not the fact that she was part of a situation where the parent was neglecting his kid.
So painful to read letters like this, and I do hope it is fake.
A quick aside to Gailed: You honestly don't see how this child's severe, severe, inexcusable neglect has caused her problems? You seriously want to make this about Asperger's!?
I have no earthly idea how anyone could let a traumatized kid languish "a few floors below" without support, encouragement or nurturing of any kind. It's inexcusable for the LW to have ignored the daughter, and I don't care that she was "only" 25 when she came on the scene. (Is the bar so low now that we're going to congratulate her for her honesty?? We're going to congratulate her for admitting incomprehensible selfishness and cruelty??) It's inexcusable for the LW. For the father, however, it is... I mean, I seriously can't find the words. It's a measure of coldness that makes me scared, honestly.
Never read a better letter by you Mr. Tennis and I read (and enjoy) you regularly. I'm thrilled and impressed by your response!
Single people without children should (almost) never date single people with children. It rarely works out. If this woman marries this man, their relationship will be doomed. First of all, she is too young to marry this man. She will have different needs and be in different stages at different times. If she marries this man, she is going to end up a 38 year old divorced woman desperate to get pregnant (if she is lucky).
But, what is this attitude some have toward the potential step-mom? She is not her step-mom and she has absolutely no responsibility for this 16 year old girl. That will all change if she marries this man, but she isn't married yet.
Cary Tennis is giving her the best advice she will ever get, I hope she is smart enough to take it.
For those who are recommending that the LW break up with this man, remember that the LW might be the sanest person around. If the LW dumps the dad, quite possibly no one will take on the role of noticing what is going on in the daughter's life, and the next girlfriend could be even worse.
It's not necessarily best for the daughter if the LW leaves. Sometimes life is not perfect, it just is what it is. The LW appears sane, thoughtful, and kind. Those are wonderful qualities to have in a role model, and that's what she is to this kid- a role model, not a parent. She doesn't want to be a parent, and hasn't taken on that role before now, and it's not exactly something you can spontaneously become to a 16 year old anyway. But she can live with her and guide her as best she can. You know, two imperfect people making the best of an imperfect situation.
And besides, the LW seems to love this man. There's a chance there for happiness for both of them, and that's worth a lot. The daughter is almost an adult (though she may not act like it) and will probably be out of the house in 4 or 5 years anyway, though she might remain on the "daddy-dole".
I would recommend that the LW stay in the relationship, and see how it plays out. Get a therapist and/or life-skills trainer (they must exist). Be kind to the girl, and meet her at her level. Don't make her your life's project- the girl has to figure out how to live on her own. Think of her as an messy roommate whom you have the right to gently scold and teach.
If your efforts have a positive impact on her life, so much the better. If they have no impact at all, at least you tried. And that's more than her father, mother, or nanny have done.
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Salon headlines in your mailbox
