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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
Why would you marry a man who would treat his child like this? Do you think he'll be more caring to the kids he makes with you? Or to you, his wife?
Advice for you: get away from these dysfunctional people and grow up a bit.
If I had any advice for the poor teenager, I guess it would be the same. At least she has biological immaturity as an excuse. (and I hope no one's waiting around for the father to grow up.)
A ten-year old watches her mother go insane and is abandoned. The father can't be bothered to do much more than write checks on his daughter's behalf and invite her to dinner once a week. When she's twelve, father's girlfriend enters the picture. For four years, girlfriend takes no interest in the child, and now apparently fears the child will clash with her tasteful accessorizing of Dad's new condo.
I disagree with those who suggest the letter writer should split up with the girl's father. Letter writer and Dad are clearly compatible - two matching ice cubes in the tray, and if they split up, one or both might hook up with a genuine human being by accident, and wreck some other kid's life.
As for the child, she's going to sink or swim with no help from anybody, except possibly the nanny. The only advice I can think of for the letter writer is - get spayed!
I'm with Gailed -- what I first thought in reading LW's account is Asperger's. I'm not a clinician -- but the profile matches that of a young woman with Asperger's whom I met when she was Anna's age. It was a lot of work in these teen years to reinforce appropriate social behavior, etc... -- but with a lot of love in those difficult years, and a coordinated approach by the family, that young woman is now in her third year at a small college, has done a successful semester abroad, and has a boyfriend. She is thriving -- and all this when her mom was thinking that the child would never leave the home and could never function on her own. Love and professional guidance at every step gained this wonderful evolution. Anna really needs diagnosis and support and understanding and strucure. She has a disorder of some sort and a hell of a personal history of rejection and neglect.
As a mom of three daughters, my heart just went out to the child. She is emerging into adulthood and lacks tools and socialization. LW, too, is just on the other side of this emergence and doesn't feel ready to pull another onto the lifeboat. She's just getting her eye on the prize, too -- and her is this looming responsibility before she's ready to do more than arrange the nest with her beloved. Fair enough -- if you haven't had 16 years of parenting practice leading up to this moment, Anna must seem impossible and a distraction. Yet she will be a full-grown woman in society, she needs education and socialization that she's not getting. The nanny may love her and tend to her needs but is now a compensatory or even enabling system. Not the nanny's fault but the best that could be done given the situation.
Anna is where she is. She needs help from outside professionals who can also guide the adults who are responsible for her. The father hasn't been up to the task; the mom is out of picture. Part of loving the dad is supporting him and his child in getting back into alignment, and partnering with him to provide stability, structure, and a loving home environment for Anna. She's not just a problem that leaves the home in 2 years -- she is a developing woman who's been abandoned by mom and hasn't been treated for a possible autistic condition or some related disorder. There is great potential for human development and happiness here.
Counseling. For LW, for LW and the dad, and for the trio. In addition to getting an evaluation for Anna -- if LW truly wants to be with the dad, she's going to have to become a stepmom in a difficult situation -- and she also has the opportunity to work with dad in transforming or ameliorating a situation in which a younger woman is truly suffering -- despite off-putting behavior and alienation.
This girl desperately needs professional help. Her behaviour is NOT normal. It's not merely irritating: it's sick. She sounds as if she is barely aware of what she does. This could be incipient schizophrenia or a personality disorder. Healthy girls don't use blood-stained rags for their periods! Please, get some help for her NOW.
And since when can a 13-year-old mother take care of a mentally ill 16-year-old? That's how big the age gap between you is. This just does not add up.
The girl in the story (er, letter?) reminded me of a few of the girls I tutored when I recently worked for an elite agency that would send me to people's homes. There was one in particular who lived alone in a big fancy house with a nanny. The mother was running a resort in Africa and the father was running his empire across the ocean. It was the weirdest thing. The girl tried very hard to be liked- you could see she had to fight for people's attention. She also went out every night and did drugs and who knows what else. Her only adult relationship was a somewhat dysfunctional one with her nanny. She was sixteen. Anyway, I do not feel equipped to advise. This story comes from a very strange world. How is it possible for a man to live in the same building as his daughter but only see her once a week? The mind reels, and I suspect it's all true. The house on the beach, the absent mother, the young and rather cynical letter writer. The kid doesn't sound so bad- just a little needy and dopey, but probably very sweet. Does seem like you should cut and run, but then absolutely no one will be helping the kid, which is sad.
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