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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
but LW is a textbook wants-to-have-her-cake-and-eat-it-too type of person..Spoiled beyond belief.
As to why she's attracted to such a crappy father, because he's fucking loaded , of course.
But it seems to me the girl is probably mentally ill herself. Someone that old and not taking care of basic needs like showering and brushing their teeth is literally in their own world--and I think it goes beyond "not having been taught." I'm wonder about some form of autism, or perhaps even pre-schizophrenia.
"But in my heart I feel that this father ought to dedicate the next few years of his life to raising his daughter."
Thank you, Cary. I want to slug the father. The poor daughter. Her father rarely sees her while he hangs out with his girlfriend... nice. Especially, after all this girl went through with her mother. I'm not a fan of the potential "stepmom" either--so lacking in compassion, but at least she knows she can't give this young woman what she needs--and that is A PARENT. For God's sake, step up to the plate, dad!
Exquisite Koi - you bring up a good point. Adolescence is a time of emotional ups and downs, figuring out one's identity, awkwardness, limit-testing, etc. Just because an adolescent is exhibiting behavior that falls into one or many of those categories does NOT mean they have a mental disorder. Likewise, a diagnosis of a mental disorder does NOT, and *should not* automatically lead to medication. If the teen saw a licensed behavioral child psychologist, for example, if it were warranted she might receive treatment that taught her both life- and social-skills, helped her manage her emotions, and provided opportunities for increasing pleasant activities that build self-efficacy (the sense that one can be efficacious facing challenges, etc.). This treatment repertoire is scientifically supported to help teens with depression, Asperger's, anxiety and many other diagnoses without medication. A good psychologist will also help a teen see their problems in context vs. as a global condemnation of themselves, and will counsel, educate, and train parents to help them be more effective care-takers for their child.
In addition, you are right that a diagnosis on its own is useless. Ideally, a diagnosis is a way of conceptualizing the particular problems an adolescent is facing when they cause impairment in life that is outside the norm expected for adolescents of the same age, gender, etc. It's only useful if it points a qualified professional toward an efficacious treatment plan.
My understanding is that many people are suggesting an evaluation and therapy for this kiddo because they hope she will get quality understanding and care from a competent adult. Getting a good, professional evaluation and some counseling for the teen individually or with her family is a reasonable step to take in a situation like this - i.e., when people are considering leaving the household due to interpersonal problems, when the teen is at risk for failure in life, or when there is parental neglect. It may be a good to, first, help others understand where this girl is coming from and, second, to help her be her best self (meaning living how SHE wants to, which could mean helping her with life-skills for functioning academically or occupationally while spending a big chunk of her time reading her favorite fantasy novels).
It's also helpful to realize that many teens are referred to treatment when people outside the biological (or adoptive) family unit, like step-parents or SOs, get overwhelmed by behavior that the primary care-givers have grown accustomed to or think is beyond help, etc. This LW's cry for help isn't particularly compassionate, but it's not unusual for someone who is struggling to integrate into a dysfunctional family system.
Finally, this teen's apparently persistent struggles with socialization with others, life tasks and hygiene, & normative academic work, and her apparent isolation ARE all common symptoms to depression, Asperger's, dysthymia, developmental delays and/or learning disorders - OR they may not be clinical symptoms at all. A good, fair, and professional evaluation would gather all the facts and attempt to answer the question of what's going on & what will help this teen. It's absolutely true that she may not warrant a diagnosis, but she may benefit from help as well.
So, Exquisite Koi, I know I didn't talk to you like you are stupid as you asked, but my guess is you're not stupid at all, so I hope this explanation helped...
Wow, just when I think Salon readers can't get any meaner...
I've been on both sides of this equation. My father's not the worst guy in the world but shortly after my mother died he took off overseas with work (always a workoholic) and left me (just 18) in charge of my two sisters (15 and 12). The extent of my "parenting" arsenal at that time was a credit card, a drawer full of cash and reasonable cooking skills. Somehow I held it together, got their laundry done, got them to school each day (yes, we all went to private schools - shoot us!). Then he got married again. New wife didn't like us at all (she had two kids of her own) and referred to us as spoiled bitches. I moved out immediately and my sisters joined me pretty much the day they finished high school. Was I, am I, resentful to both my father and this woman for total alienation of affection? You bet. He certainly wasn't putting his children's needs first. Finally got rid of wife No. 2 and moved onto No. 3. Pretended like No. 2 never happened (10 years of hell). No. 3 is better but again, she comes first. Not his kids. Of course, we're all grown up now and as an adult I can see that he was just a fucked up guy who didn't know how to deal with the death of a spouse and bring up kids alone (he worked, my mum took care of house and kids). We don't have an ideal relationship today, but I don't have many expectations of him either.
No big surprise, I don't want kids of my own. Did date a guy with 2 kids for a while but realised that I would never love them and that the thought of living with them (every second weekend) made my skin crawl (again, shoot me, I have never claimed to be perfect) and so I got out of there before I did any damage. I beat myself up a lot about not being a "good" enough person to love these kids but ultimately realised that it just wasn't for me.
I sympathise with the LW but would suggest leaving before it gets worse. As for the teenager - we all go through shit. I'm sure she'll survive. Most of us do.
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