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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
The letter writer clearly DOES care that the girl has had two horrible parents and has been neglected, or else she wouldn't have mentioned the whole "getting abandoned by crazy mother" thing. I think she does feel bad for the girl, and I don't think she was taking great pleasure in listing the daughter's problems: "I feel bad saying the following but the thoughts are real, so why lie in a letter seeking help?" But feeling bad for someone and admitting that you have neither the desire nor the ability to help are two different things. In any case, LW, flee this desperate situation like a bat out of hell. You will thank yourself in a few months, maybe even a few weeks.
Before a decision to leave is made, consider family therapy, individual therapy for the daughter, psychological testing for starters, and get some help with this situation.
She didn't get here by herself; she didn't become what she is by herself; and she cannot "fix" herself by herself.
Please do not "throw her away" again. Accept the fact that it will take more than two years to the traditional age of emancipation, 18 years of age, for her to be successfully independent, but, in the years to come, with the right and consistent help for her and the family unit, she may be able to achieve her potential, whatever it is discovered to be.
And that is all any parent can hope for.
The poor girl this LW describes clearly sounds emotionally/mentally ill. Shame on the adults in her life--and Cary--for not seeing this.
The 16 year old is not that bad. Not up to the hygienic standards the LW was raised with apparently - but she's not all that bad! Teens are often no little bit sloppy - I was. No haircuts without prompting - oh yeah, I'd never go - why bother? Women's hair doesn't need that much cutting anyway (I still don't go much). Continuing to use a towel with a stain on it - I can see it - she doesn't mention the size - is it a smear - or a barely visible spot?
She just doesn't sound that bad - a bit spoiled, a bit sloppy, needs some life lessons - in other words - a teenager!
But yeah, if you aren't ready to be a parent to the girl, you shouldn't be in a relationship with her father.
I agree with Floriane 100%. Add me to the 'me too me too!' pile. This letter describes me almost perfectly at that age (minus the affluent parents and level of sheer cluelessness perhaps).
I also have a 20 year old niece who is almost exactly like Anna - affluent lifestyle, rather clueless, lives in her own world of fantasy books and video games.
Bottom line? There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. As Floriane said so well she'll just learn how to swim. THere is also nothing wrong with showing no interest in boys until your 20s or any other age. Society dictates we must play those stupid social power games in highschool. Those who choose not to participate in those formative years just learn the rules later as I stated. I have many brilliant friends in similar situations, saw highschool drama as pointless and simply kept to themselves, earning the labels weirdo, geek or loner.
It's hard to describe to you 75% extraverted how very hard it is to be introverted in our society. You have to pretend every single day to 'fit in', smile and look happy. When all you want is silence, solitude and time for reflection. Indeed those 'rich inner worlds' (which so many people will scoff and roll their eyes at) can lead to many great carriers.
Here I am in my 30s, great career in the sciences, wonderful husband, dealing with demanding external customers every day with a smile. These are social skills that are LEARNED; it just takes longer for introverts to figure out the rules. Mostly to learn to keep that essential small inner flame alive, and share it with friends through interactive theater, writing, roleplaying, what have you. That's what keeps me sane.
Anna like my cousin will learn this eventually - it will naturally sort itself out. My advise to the LW is to read a few books on understanding introverts and yes, talk to her.
As a person who has been a very similar situation, I would advise LW to seriously reconsider marrying this man at this point in time, and also would advise LW to consider moving out into her place, until dad and daughter can work things out themselves. From personal experience, the stepmother (or girlfriend) is very, very limited in what she can actually do to help the girl. All the love in the world from LW cannot fix the girl, fix her problems, or fix the relationship between the girl and her father.
Dad and daughter must work it out themselves and it would be best for LW to let them do it in their own time and space. Counseling for dad and daughter, jointly and individually, could help tremendously for them to address the problems the girl has in growing up and their feelings toward each other.
I also married a man who had a daughter who had troubles stemming from her parents' divorce. Mom leaving the home when the girl was 5. I loved my stepdaughter like I loved my own children, and I thought that my love would make all the difference for her and she would become happier. In actuality, however, I was in the way. What needed to happen was that dad and daughter (and mom) needed to work out their feelings and their relationships. It took years for this to happen.
In the meantime, I just complicated matters by feeling angry, hurt, and rejected by my stepdaughter. I finally had to detach from her as much as possible, while still being supportive of my husband. Our love for each other is what got us through this difficult time.
I learned to listen and keep my thoughts to myself instead of being judgmental and venting to my husband. I also learned that my ability to change anything in the situation was extremely limited. You can't tell someone to change. They change when they feel they must.
This was one of the most difficult periods in my life. If LW chooses to stay with this man and his daughter, she will have years of dealing with the daughter's issues. Obviously, she knows already that she is very conflicted about the situation. My advice would be to listen to her own feelings and be very, very cautious about moving forward with her relationship to her boyfriend and his daughter.
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