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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
I think one thing is left out of Cary's advice: the nanny. Neither the LW nor the so-called Dad are able to raise a child. Anna's behavior is not atypical of an unhappy teen. She needs help, but I don't think we need to assume she's got Asperger's.
The girl needs two things: she needs to care enough about herself to take care of herself, body and mind, and she needs not to expect that she will be cared for as if she were a child. Both those needs can be filled by a loving, caring adult WHO DOES NOT THINK OF HERSELF AS THE CHILD's SERVANT!
The nanny, if she's really the only responsible person in the picture, needs to understand that she must teach Anna to do for herself, not simply do things for Anna. The nanny, as an employee, and one who probably feels sorry for the girl, may not see it this way, but perhaps could be convinced to see it that way. Perhaps on her way out the door the LW could have this conversation with Daddy and Nanny.
man good...kid bad...need information...writer on internet has information...how can i get rid of kid...mmm its yoga time...did writer answer question yet...
Although this situation has interesting and different details, parents and step-parents neglecting their children is probably a lot more common than we would like to think. Why might the LW and her boyfriend be unaware of how much their care (or lack thereof) matters to his daughter? Maybe they were not parented well themselves or maybe they are partying and running with a partying crowd. If you grew up without proper care and ran around with a crowd that doesn't value caring for children you wouldn't even know it if your attitude towards children was callous and hurtful. You might not be around emotionally healthy people to tell you otherwise.
So the people of Salon have almost unanimously suggested that there is a problem with the LW's attitude towards Anna. This is something the LW might want to look into with a trusted friend or counselor who she can tell more of the story to.
I would caution against thinking only about getting vs. losing the boyfriend. If the LW marries and does not help Anna or hurts her, she will probably regret it in later life. My mother was pretty unavailable when my brother and I were teenagers and I know she regrets it now.
Anna is the child here, even at 16, and has many excellent reasons (her lack of supportive parents, spoiling nanny) for having lots of issues and areas of immaturity. As an adult, I think the LW is responsible for not hurting a 16 year old any more than she has already been hurt - no matter who the child is.
If neither the father nor the LW is willing to parent this child, and the mother is out of the picture, it may be best if she is sent to a boarding school. There are good therapeutic boarding schools that can help her with her life skills and give her some attention.
I don't recommend it for 99.99% of situations, but in this case, it may be the only hope for this kid. A friend from college was sent to Mooseheart after his mother dumped him on his grandmother. He was there from age 7 to age 18. It wasn't the worst thing that could have happened. It wasn't great, but it was a lot better than the nothing he was getting from his family.
I'm a female Aspie who also grew up with a combination of mentally ill/neglectful parents, and my very own 'wicked stepmother' to boot. For what it's worth, Anna sounds pretty much exactly like me at her age. (And yes, I've had neuropsychological testing, so I'm an 'official' Aspie.) For my part, I'm pretty certain that autism and Asperger's aren't the same thing - they may share certain superficial similarities in terms of DSM checklist symptoms, but the sense of recognition and understanding I feel when I meet an Aspie is far from what I experience when I talk to someone with autism. Totally different wiring. Also, female Aspies tend to present substantially differently from males - their behavior isn't as stereotypical.
However, it's worth noting that this girl's experiences and environment are almost certainly exacerbating her difficulties. As many have noted, the less supportive and more frightening (and more difficult to understand) her surroundings are, the more she's going to withdraw into herself.
So anyway, my vote goes for Asperger's AND a shitty life.
In response to Ravanne: I agree with your point in almost all circumstances that involve single parents; however, this is a different situation since this guy appears to be such an irresponsible clod. Since he was "living in a condo with a friend" (and not, notably, with his child) when they met and began dating, and his daughter wasn't even in the everyday picture, the LW wasn't given any reason to suspect that the pattern would change if she became more involved and thus didn't view her role in the relationship as at least partially a stepmother-in-training, nor was there any good reason why she should have done so. If the boyfriend had been living with his daughter and caring for her from the outset and LW realizes four years later that she sort of hates it but wants to keep the man, then yes, the LW is a self-absorbed twat; however, we know from the little info provided that this was not the case.
"...The kids get first dibs on his time, attention, money, etc. Always. A second wife is stepping into an already existing family dynamic." The word you're missing here is should. The kids SHOULD get first dibs on Dad's (or Mom's) time, attention, money, living quarters, and affection, but this kid was not when the girlfriend met the dad and tragically, it doesn't even seem like the daughter's getting first dibs now. Now, perhaps that should have raised a red flag or two for LW, but denial is a powerful thing, and it seemed like no matter how fucked up the guy's relationship with is daughter is, his relationship with the girlfriend is (was) a happy one. And neither of those things, or the short-sightedness and immaturity that kept LW from reading between the lines, make her a bad person.
My point, which may not have been clear, is twofold: A)I find it suspicious that as soon as Dad scores himself a kept woman, presto, his daughter moves back in and the nanny is a thing of the past; this indicates that the bastard is looking for someone on whom to dump his child, preferably someone he doesn't have to pay (aside, of course, from a sweet flat on the beach).
B)LW is not a bad person for not wanting that role. That statement goes tenfold if she didn't know her boyfriend would try to spring it on her given the circumstances of her first three-odd years with him. Had she been a saint she may have unilaterally taken that role for herself, or suggested to her boyfriend that he assume his duties as a father, but alas she is human. Again, I'm guessing the people who were so quick to bash her would have done close to the same. In this case, both the daughter AND the LW are victims of a self-absorbed, lazy, irresponsible shit who should probably never have had children (especially with a mentally ill woman), but who nonetheless did. What LW has going for her is that, unlike the poor daughter, she has a way out. Better yet, she is absolutely within her rights to take it--and she SHOULD.
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