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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
...seem to confuse what you would say to a person face-to-face with what you would say about that person to a confidant-type audience. Two very different things. The difference between which does not, in many cases, indicate hypocrisy.
Also, some people tend to grossly overestimate their own capacity and willingness to deal with situations they vigurously recommend to others.
She's 29 years old and obviously has hit pay dirt with a man so wealthy and spoiled he has apparently outsourced the raising of his daughter. This is after she was abandoned in another country by her mentally ill mother, mind you. If that's not a mandate for actual parenting, I don't know what is. This father is a perfect match for the LW, sounds like--neither one wants a child, and both enjoy the good life.
Cary's advice is right on, of course--it just doesn't seem likely anyone's going to follow it.
Nowhere in your letter do you consider that perhaps Dad, as the parent who has had custody of Anna since she was 10, has wholly neglected her as a parent. Paying for expensive nannies and schooling does not substitute for parenting. It is unfortunate that her mom is not around, but that means her dad should have stepped up to be a father to her, as most men are capable of doing (like most women are capable of being decent mothers).
Though as you say you were fine with this arrangement when you didn't have to see this girl, the reality of the situation is now upon you. It very likely is the case that you are no longer a match for this dysfunctional father-daughter pair and should admit that. The only alternatives are to suffer through a few years of Anna's presence until she can perhaps be shipped off to college or elsewhere, or that her dad and ideally you as well would attempt to rectify some of the neglect of this girl by committing to caring for her, though it may well be too little too late, developmentally.
I find this father reprehensible as a parent if your description of his involvement with his child, and her current state of well-being is accurate, and you apparently assented to this situation while the girl was kept out of your way, which doesn't reflect terribly well on you either.
The lack of compassion and genuine concern for the girl is appalling. There seems to be not a drop of maternal instinct present.
The LW sounds like a bit of a trophy girlfriend that is quite selfish and only seems to see value in "attractive" people. Yuck.
Cary's advice was very good. She should leave this family alone.
But the LW became a factor in this girl's life the moment her relationship with the father went past casual dating. I've been there and dated several men with children and any woman who thinks that she can just date the guy and not have anything at all to do with his kids is an idiot. Not that you have to sign up for Mommy & Me classes, but you do generally find yourself doing a lot of things with the kids - going on family dates to the zoo or a park. I learned pretty early on that the good guys, the ones that I might want to think about in a more serious light were the ones who were watching how I interacted with their children. Did I bond with them and enjoy spending time with them, or did I resent their intrusion on my date time with the guy. The good ones didn't loose sight over the fact that if I became a regular part of his life that it would have a very profound effect on his children. I was being auditioned for the role of stepmom. The ones who weren't worth my time didn't seem to give a crap if I like his kid or not.
It's not as if the LW didn't know he had a child, that all of a sudden a sixteen year old stranger that he never knew about suddenly walked into his life and dumped her messy self all over his floor. The LW knew from the very start that he had a daughter and didn't seem to think that having someone other than a parent actually having physical custody of the girl was a problem. So now this screwed up, fucked up teenager is in her home and the LW cannot escape into her little fantasy where her BF is the perfect guy and his kid is just the occasional annoyance.
Women who don't want to be mothers or think that they could care about their partner's kids simply should not date men with children. And I really hate to break it to you, Jess, but the kids get first dibs on his time, attention, money, etc. Always. A second wife is stepping into an already existing family dynamic.
Having said that, this family dynamic is a complete and utter horror and how this man has utterly neglected his child for so many years speaks volumes about his character. He could possibly plead at least some ignorance while she was in her mother's custody, but this child was supposed to be with him for the past six years. For most of that time, he foisted the responsibility off on someone else while he went about his life, slept with his young girlfriend in a flat overlooking the sea. He's a jerk, no question about it. But the fact that the LW doesn't seem to care that this girl has suffered from having two horrible parents also speaks volumes about her own character.
I'm not going to go into a full fledged bash on the LW, though she does come across as shallow and selfish in her letter. She clearly resents the intrusion in her life by this girl, has no interest in trying to develop anything more than the most casual and distant of relations and makes it very clear that she feels this girl is lazy, sloppy, stupid, slovenly and ugly to boot. The one thing I can credit her for is being able to admit that she has no interest in trying to be a mother to this girl. If this is truly how she feels, then the right thing to do would be to end the relationship. No person should ever be cruel enough to try to force their partner to chose between them and a child, but when that choice must be made the child must win out.
Whatever flaws this girl the LW writes so disparagingly about might have, she certainly does not deserve the utterly rotten hand she's been dealt in life so far.
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Salon headlines in your mailbox
