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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
my (former) best friend got involved with a divorced man with twin teenage kids. she hated them- accused them of theft, complained of their slovenly habits, and refused to stay at his house on "those weekends".
i was horribly disturbed by her attitude. i figured that she would soften over time, that the kids were soon going to go off to college, that luckily they didn't have to be exposed to her very often.
when charlie's son needed to move in with his dad because of escalating conflicts with his mother, my former best friend turned into a banshee.
i was so appalled by her behavior that i had to tell her what i thought. straight up- just like you told your letter-writer. her lack of compassion was - yea- i'll say it again- apalling. even now i am dumbfounded by the logic. how could any woman want to be involved with a man that would abandon his children?
luckily, i didn't hear from her until she needed a favor. it forced me to take of our friendship and realized that i had really glossed over her many character flaws for many years.
All I can think is this poor teenage girl. Abandoned by her mentally ill mother, ignored by her father and any possibility of a learning disorder or other develepmental problem ignored or just not thought of. A teenager shouldn't have to be reminded to not use a bloody towel, she would be using tampons or pads by now. Reminding her to brush her teeth or groom herself and all she does is read, does not sound completely normal for any teenager. Maybe it's a mental disorder, maybe it's from being abandoned by everyone but the paid help.
Then all I can wonder is why on earth the LW would fall in love with some man who is an unbelievably shitty father. I hope children at all weren't in this woman's life plan because she certainly landed on a crappy candidate. Seeing his own child only once a week and only living with her now because she's old enough to not be a chore bother. Just ick.
So yeah LW, I can give you the slight respect to know you aren't the person to be this step-mother and suspect you probably shouldn't marry this person, but really find out why you feel so strongly for a man who cares so little for the well being of his own flesh and blood. What would he do for you if you had a problem like a health issue or disabling accident. Would he just pay a nurse to look after you too?
You hit the nail on the head. I would say that it's not a foregone conclusion that the LW must move on, but she certainly has to realize that the daughter comes first, that she cannot love her boyfriend and not love all that is his life -- and the bulk and focus of his life now is or should be his daughter.
I also think the LW hasn't looked around much at the average 16 year old these days. They are very needy as a lot. Having been coddled by their parents in this latest generation's version of parenting, many are quite immature and unable to cope for themsleves. I listen to my friends talk about the level of involvement they have in the lives and decisions of their COLLEGE age kids even, and I marvel. So I'd say that the LW is out of touch with how the average child is raised these days and may not make a good stepmother.
All kids, whether typical or not, have issues that drive their parents and/or step-parents bonkers. It's just the nature of kids. It rarely signifies that something is wrong. Different maybe, but not necessarily wrong.
Carey's advice was spot on. LW needs to move on as she's unwilling to actually do anything to positively impact the only person incapable of removing herself from these whackadoodles.
The kid's mother is insane, her father only sees her for dinner 1 night a week, and now he's taken her away from her primary care-giver (nanny). Of course she has issues.
If no one teaches this kid anything, how would she know how to take care of herself? Get her in therapy, then get the hell out. You have no business being a step mother, and if you continue to live there and ignore this child you deserve to go to prison.
But if not, there is nothing sexist about castigating the LW. She shows no compassion for “Anna” aside from how it will affect her perfect life with the fiancé. No, she doesn’t need to go full onslaught maternal on the girl, but by inferring the girl is a complete freak and will be a burden forever, she comes across as callous and uncaring. She could have simply written the daughter is immature and lacks some social awareness, but she has to put her down like a mean girl middle-schooler. She’s unattractive! No one will marry her! She’s clumsy! Menstrual blood! She’s stupid!....ad nauseam. The LW doesn’t appear to want to have anything to do with her and seems to want some sort of validation that is OK to marry the dad, but have nothing to do with the daughter.
The father strikes me as a complete tool and is probably using the LW as a means of no longer having to pay anyone to deal with his daughter. However, the fact that she saw nothing wrong with the girl’s father previously only seeing the daughter “once a week for a nice dinner” after suffering the trauma of her mother’s abandonment doesn’t make me feel any sympathy for her at all. I get the impression that if the status quo with Anna living apart from the father with the nanny was continuing, there would be no hesitation to walk down the aisle. I feel for the teenager, what a shitty hand in life she was dealt.
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