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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
And tying yourself to a person you don't like or have any interest in understanding would make you old before your time, guarantee you years of self loathing and possibly finish off the destruction of this child who has already been severely handicapped by neglect.
I suggest the father admit that he's clueless and unwilling to learn and give the nanny a yearly sum to bring her up.At least she cares for her.He can see his child a few times a year to maintain some semblance of famly ties.
She sounds like a child that has been raised by wolves. No wonder she escapes to fantasy novels.
Please be advised this man is incapable of truly knowing how to care for someone.
Get away or you will end up reading a fantasy novel a day to survive emotionally.
I think there is something to be said for the LW sticking this one out, at least for a few more years. Not for her sake, but for the sake of a teenaged girl who has already been abandoned by two parents. The LW has been with the boyfriend five years. Long enough for the child to form some attachment to her. The LW is now reaping the benefits of a relationship that she herself helped sow - she stood by and allowed the girl's father to skate by with a meager committment of one dinner a week, foisting his child upon the nanny, taking no personal interest in her care, upbringing, or eduction, all because it was the most convenient for the LW. Is anyone surprised the child isn't self sufficent? And now that the seeds have started to flower, the LW wants to bolt? Shame on her. She's been the girl's de facto mother for five years, regardless of whether there's a piece of paper to confirm the relationship. She's done a crappy job of step-parenting - and that's what she was, whether she wants to admit it or not - and she needs to step up to the plate in these final crucial years.
The LW is lucky, in my opinion. She hasn't described any behavioral difficulties in the girl. No screaming, beligerent attitude, or substance abuse was indicated. In fact, the girl is an avid reader, which indicates an interest in learning, the creative arts, etc. What the girl needs is the devoted attention of her father and a mother figure, and perhaps some professional help to learn the more common sense things she hasn't been taught. (I wouldn't worry so much about the education - at this point in her life, the child is more likely pre-occupied by her emotional issues, and all the tutors in the world will not help. There will hopefully come a time, when she sets some occupational goals, that her interest in learning will trump whatever other garbage is going on in her life and she'll embrace eduction full force, but I don't think that time is now.)
If the LW abandons this girl now, it's not likely that the father will ever get it together enough to be an effective parent to this girl. And it's probable that the girl will never recover from yet another rejection from a mother figure. But. If she embraces the situation, seeks outside help in bringing the dad up to speed and teaching the girl the skills she needs, I think she'll find that her aggravation will fade with each success. And if there is no success, well at least then she'll be able to sleep at night knowing she did the best she could.
For what its' worth, I think Cary has been very consistant over the years with this sort of letter. I can't imagine that the BF really wants to settle down with someone who thinks that accessories and gadgets (and tender! loving! care or whatever) are what make a house a home.
I can only hope that English is not the LW's first language. But I do wish the 16 year old would write in.
How long until Joan chimes in about what a wonderful person the LW is, and how mean all the commenters are?
The letter writer makes me want to throw up.
She thinks the main character in this story is her.
Very few letters have managed to make me as upset as this one.
The LW is a bad person, the type that the World would simply be better if she never existed.
Let's see, according to her own letter, a ten year old girl was literally abandoned by her insane mother in another country, this was six years ago. Letter Writer has been together with her father for four years.
So, for four of the six years the daughter has been in her father's custody, the letter writers says, "Well we never saw her"
Then she wonders why the child may have some issues, and those issues aren't going to get any better by calling her stupid and ugly.
She's (LW) a horrible person, and I hope to God she doesn't formally inject herself in this young person's life, or any person's life for that matter.
No LW, you didn't learn any common sense, you learned how to be clean. You never learned the ability to actually empathize or really think of others. Your mother raised a selfish bitch who willing inflicted emotional harm on a young girl. She can't recognize it, because she's psychotic.
To Asking For It: Please consider advising the father to have this kid evaluated by a pscyhiatrist. There are so many descriptions in this letter that remind me of my oldest son, who has Asperger's syndrome.
Often, kids who have this disorder seem "normal" to people (like the doting nanny) who've known them their whole lives and are used to giving them the line-item instruction regarding hygiene, cleaning up, etc. that they need. But these kids can be a nightmare for other adults, who know there is something wrong but sometimes can't quite put their finger on it.
Aspies kids have socialising difficulties and doing stuff like reading all the time is very common. They find it very hard to make social inferences from body language and facial expressions and they can seem really weird to someone who's not used to their flakier mannerisms. It can be really, really hard to bond with them because they don't seem to respond emotionally, and they often leave people with the impression they want to be left alone.
It doesn't help that Mom abandoned this kid, or she's been bounced around and spoiled, but I doubt that the kinds of hygiene issues described in this letter are because someone's waited on this kid too much. Fortunately, Asperger's kids usually do get better as they mature, especially if they have help recognizing and dealing with their shortcomings. They are often quite brilliant even if they are absent-minded as hell and could care less about stuff like their appearance.
Would the letter writer still feel like this was still a desperate situation if the kid was diagnosed with a problem like this and she was given specific advice on how to help? It's true that even raising normal teenagers is hellishly hard and sometimes unrewarding work, and Cary is right to sternly point out that parenting isn't a party you can choose to leave whenever things get boring or out of hand. But it might make the situation change dramatically to find out what specific steps need to be taken to help this girl, if she is diagnosed.
I think there is ample evidence that some questions need to be asked. Good luck and we wish the best for all of you.
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