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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
...then I suggest that LW find a copy of Elizabeth Bowen's novel, The Death of the Heart (1938), and read it cover to cover. A naive, newly-orphaned sixteen year-old goes to live with her disaffected older half brother and his cold-hearted, stylish wife, whose name is Anna, oddly enough. The housekeeper and the part-time governess are the only caring people in the girl's life. It's a stunning portrait of neglect and failure, and may help the letter writer see her own terrible shallowness more clearly.
Assuming this is a real letter (and from my experience... as fantastic as it is it COULD be) - the problem doesn't lie with the prospective stepmom, it's the Dad.
No one will be a suitable stepmother for this child until the father changes the way he interacts with the child, and rethinks what he is willing to do to help prepare his child for the real world.
Unfortunately, given the assumed age of the man and the stated age of the child little is likely to change.
The goal isn't to aim for perfection, but manageability. It is unreasonable to expect any stepmother to raise a child with an uninterested biological parent. It will never work. An ABSENT biological parent, maybe, but not a present and uninterested one. Different dynamic, different demons.
Folks, stop blaming the potential stepmom. Any sane person would feel this way. Blame the father, the mother, the stepdaughter, the nanny and the other enablers.
Dad should have stepped up long ago and put a different structure in place for the child (as much as was legally possible), and if he couldn't he should have paid someone to do it for him once she was in his custody.
A mentally ill mother is... well, what it is. You think of the good things and try to reconcile the bad and hope for the best.
A loving but enabling nanny does what she is paid to do... Obviously, Dad should have picked another one.
The daughter is a child, but even children must be responsible for their actions (or inaction). Children are NOT stupid, and to assume she's an innocent is blindly stupid. Even if she has development issues, it doesn't mean she hasn't contributed to some of her own problems. And she's probably playing all of you more than a little bit...
And the potential stepmom - plays the cards that have been dealt her. The good news is the child is almost 18 and at that point there will be changes in the relationship with all involved. Perhaps THAT is the right time to start living together or get married.
Right now you are entering a losing situation without any hope of affecting change. The change must come from the father and the daughter must meet him part-way. If neither is interested in change, then just stay out of the way til she's an adult and out of the house.
Of course, in the real world, the "wait" solution rarely works. And it is unfair to most involved because it is asking people to put a hold on a basic animal instinct - mating. And the bitterness the wait can cause can be very detrimental to an adult, and the ensuing bitterness can color the relationship with the child.
We all try to do what we can... I think. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
So = if you want to continue as-is I suggest counseling for Dad so he can learn how his lack of action with his daughter will affect his relationship with you. And then perhaps move on to counseling to help him become a better parent. And then counseling for the child to help her adapt.
The reason why I would bash the LW is for this particular line:
"Being kind of unattractive physically, she might have problem falling in love and getting married." You talk about misogyny, but the LW is guilty of girl-on-girl crime herself. So the FUCK what if this girl will never get married; heck, maybe she's a lesbian, LW. Ever thought of that?
And I agree 100% with Allie that this girl doesn't necessarily have Asperger's or ADHD. I knew a girl in highschool who had questionable hygeine issues, who every time she got behind the wheel of the very expensive fully loaded VOLVO her parents got her, managed to get into a fender bender, overflowed the washing the machine on more than one occassion, almost burned down the kitchen cooking popcorn, and was pretty much an akward Sci-Fi reading freak. Though she was smart she was incredibly lazy and made a mess of her studies. She was a weird girl. I, personally loved her, but then I love freaks like that. Especially the introverted type; I get along really well with shy people. In my opinion, they make the best friends. Especially for extroverted freaks like me.
If the LW chooses to stay with this family, she is going to have to stop having an expectation that this girl will be anything like she is; I mean, the LW is probably some natural beauty whose greatest achievement thus far seems to be glomming on to some rich older boyfriend. Fine and dandy. I wouldn't call her a gold digger, but she ain't messing with a...whatever. I don't judge her for that. (much) But if she wants to be in her boyfriends life, she needs to realize that his daughter is also a part of their life as well. FOREVER.
The LW shows not a shred of empathy or sympathy. This is a child--one who has been abandoned and unloved and the LW is blaming her!?!. And what is the big deal about the dirty towel? Was any one harmed? Who cares? And btw lots of people don't get haircuts very often.
Some of this hatred is clearly gendered. Would a boy who forgot to get haircuts or used dirty towels be the object of such disgust? I doubt it. That's just how teenage boys are. But because she isn't obsessed by her looks, reads all the time, and isn't freaked out by her own menstrual blood this child is unacceptable.
Cary is absolutely right the LW has no business even contemplating marriage to a man whose daughter she despises. What an ugly, ugly letter.
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Salon headlines in your mailbox
