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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
Please people. She wrote in for advice, and is at least perceptive enough to have reservations! Bash the neglectful boyfriend/Dad if you want, but LW is at least looking for the right answer, and bashing her will not help.
That said, Cary is right. And, if you treat children as burdens they will become burdensome.
Unless she's grossly exaggerating, of course. But most of you here seem to assume she's not, and are busy attacking her and saying "poor child". Phooey.
I'm not saying to hate on the child. But if the description is at all true, it sounds like there is actually something wrong with her. Asperger's maybe? (Someone said that already, just not enough of you. I agree totally.) And sorry, but I would not want to take care of such a child either. Maybe it makes me an awful person - I just think it makes me honest. I'm not claiming she's unlovable, I'm claiming Anna takes more care than this LW is able to give, and there's noting wrong with that. Whether the child is completely "normal/healthy" or whether she has needs, LW doesn't have to want to inherit what sounds like a 5 year old in a 16 year old's body. No way will this girl be able to go out on her own life in a couple of years.
LW - sorry to say but I believe you must leave this man. I thin it's best for her and best for you. If you're not ready to do that, than good for you. But you must sit down with him and tell him exactly how you feel. You must say "I am dedicated to you, and I want to love Anna. But I'm not feeling ready. I'm feeling that she has really big problems that I am not equipped to handle. I need your help to find the best solution." That, in my opinion, is what you do with problems with someone you're considering marrying.
That being said, yes LW, realize what a terrible father this guy is. He's either been so deadbeat that his daughter has been grown up to seem like she was raised by wolves OR he's so deadbeat that he has failed to have her perhaps obvious health issues diagnosed. Neither option makes him look like a very promising partner in the long term, if you desire any kids of your own. You may love him a lot, but be brutal in judging him as a lifelong partner.
But really. LW is exaggerating or Anna is mentally disadvantaged somehow. Also for the sake of the child, one should figure out which is true so she can get what is actually the most proper care/treatment.
...in the posters' reactions to the LW.
To me it's incredible that people can call the LW "a selfish bitch" and other such things. But here it is, they are calling her that.
One particularly psychologically-savvy individual was expressing amazement at a 29yo's lack of maternal feeling for a 16yo who isn't her own. Like it's just the most natural thing in the world to feel motherly towards other people's teenagers before hitting 30 (like most people would feel motherly in LW's place, right?).
My guess is she's expected to feel that because she's a woman. Women being, as we all know, instant caring machines.
My other guess is that some posters are annoyed with the LW because she dares think about her own life and about her own happiness.
First of all, again, because she's a woman - and because at a primal level women putting themselves first are perceived as "unfeminine", "cold", etc.
Second of all, because of our infatuation with the "good of the children". The good of the children is important, of course. But children are people, too, and like the rest of us they, too, must accommodate their fellow human beings, within the limits applicable to them. Love is not as unconditional as you would like it to be, people. And hard-to-manage teenagers that you don't share a blood-like bond with are not the most loveable creatures.
So lay off the insults, I say. At this point the LW has no "duty" to this girl other than refraining from causing her harm, which is pretty much the duty we have to all our fellow human beings. She doesn't owe her the sacrifice of her own life and happiness.
What she owes this girl is honesty. Honesty to herself and honesty to the father. If she feels the cons outweigh the pros, she should leave the relationship, and everybody will be for the better. But such decisions are always hard to take, which is why she wrote Cary.
Until then, why not ponder (I'm talking to you, vitriolic posters) how you would see things if your own daughter was the LW and came to you for advice. Would you tell her she's selfish and cold to express her feelings and think about what makes her happy? I thought not.
A friend had to teach her 9 year old stepson, who lived in another country with a super-coddling mother (the child reported to his teacher first day of school that his name was "mummies little darling"!): how to dress himself, yes really; how to handle cutlery; to chew with his mouth closed; to say please, ever etc. And this child had a doting mother, but one who did absolutely everything for him. It's a simple equation - no expectations and having everything done = no learning. By the end of a 2 month visit the boy could handle himself pretty much as you'd expect of a 9 year old. Nannies often are very indulgent. But this Nanny's love may be the linchpin that has held this girl together. Mentally ill mother, abandonment at 10 years old, they are very tough circumstances to deal with and she isn't acting out to her credit.
I do think it brave of the LW to be honest about her feelings - if you're going to be PC even with yourself you'll only tie yourself up in knots.
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