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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
So what's the poor kid doing that's so bad?
She's simply bumbling around, dropping mugs, bleeding on things. Sounds like a confused 16-year old. What's so terrible about that?
She could be doing all sorts of hostile nasty things, things we've seen in other letters to Cary.
The letter writer doesn't seem to be one bit sympathetic to her. Can you imagine how horrid it must be to have your mother go mad when you're in a foreign country and abandon you?
And she's 16, for God's sake. How long is she going to hang out, five years at most? It's not like you have to change diapers.
There are plenty of selfish, unattached men. I suggest you find one of them, it will suit you a lot better. I definitely think you shouldn't be around kids.
The LW has already been with the guy for years, and in less than two more years the kid will be at the age of majority. Then they can just move her out to her own pad and let her figure out her own place in the world (sounds like daddy can afford to support her financially).
The daughter could continue with an adult version of the spoiled, pampered life she's accustomed to. The father would finally be rid of such a burdonsome person (just cut a check once a month, and go on with his life). And the LW can finally score the rich guy without the bother of the brat from the previous marriage (ka-ching!).
Just use a little patience folks, and everything will work out just fine.
I fancy that will tidy up the little problem.
1. Perhaps "Anna" has an autism-spectrum disorder. Several of the descriptives fit,
Asperger's in particular. How about getting a professional opinion?
2. It would be strange if Anna did not have some depression issues, if the info LW
has given is correct. How about getting a professional opinion?
3. The father sounds like a 'present yet deadbeat' dad. Perhaps he was raised in the
hands-off, send 'em away school of parenting--perhaps the girl's mother freaked
out because of the sole responsibility for raising the child at the time. Who knows?
4. Yes, leave the relationship. You're too young to have this level of responsibility
for someone only 13 years younger than you. You still are young enough to be
able to fall back into teenager-behaviour easily. Not what this girl needs now.
5. Did I mention that the father is a mess? He needs counseling as well.
6. Get out there and live a little. When you're ready to parent, you'll want to have
your own child, not someone else's who has a myriad of problems. You'll need
a shrink yourself, methinks, if you stay in this relationship and try to fix things.
You aren't equipped to do so, and will only harm yourself.
This poor girl. If the nanny was so attentive and loving, why does it seem the girl was raised by wolves?
I think the LW probably exaggerates. Yes, teenagers can be very clueless, clumsy and dippy. More so if no one has taught them how to be self-sufficient. I am sure whatever life skills the LW believes she learned by osmosis or intuiton were actually taught to her by someone loving and patient.
If the LW is more than an immature gold-digger in her relationship, she might find some compassion for this lost soul and try to befriend her, and mentor her. But I think that is probably unlikely. As it is, she is wondering about the possibility of marrying this 16 year old off. Bronte sisters indeed!
Perhaps the best outcome is for the nanny to become a permanent guardian or adopt the girl (with full financial support from this poor excuse of a father). Four years of once a week dinners with her father and his girlfriend after being traumatically abandoned by her mother in a foreign country?
Such a special family.
You can't step parent anyone. Ypu don't have the empathy nor the skills.
For instance, the LW clearly was never taught anything about compassion or empathy, and look where that got her.
I was a step-daughter and my stepfather hated me, thought I was stupid, ugly, and lazy. It's a horrible way to grow up and the wounds never really heal. I feel terrible for this kid, it sounds like no one loves her except the nanny. Her father ignores her, her mother is insane, and her potential step-mother is a card carrying narcicisstic bitch. Cary's advice is dead on, this woman needs to just go away.
...is not that the LW does not want to be a step-mother, but that she has allowed herself to get into a four year relationship with a man with a child. And allowed herself to get involved with a man who is apparently a terrible, neglectful father.
At least she has faced the reality of the situation before getting married and is ready to remove herself from a role in which she doesn't belong.
I think it's unfair to condemn her simply for not being willing to be a step-mother though. I am close to her age, and I do not want to be a step-mother either, but I resolve this problem by not dating men with children to being with.
to berate the LW as a terrible, miserable excuse for a human being. I don't see how that is helpful to someone who knows they have a problem, is as honest as they can be about it and has put themselves in the vulnerable position of asking for help. I think a lot of readers of SYA suffer from a serious superiority complex.
This LW has stated her problem so succinctly that I think she already knew what she needed to do; she just wanted to be told and Cary did that. I hope she follows through.
16 is NOT THAT YOUNG sometimes. and neither is 29 sometimes. she is almost a 30 year old woman. stop infantalizing these characters and robbing them of any autonomy or sense.
Dude, my cousin is like 16. He's been to juvy and he has two kids. TWO KIDS! Sometimes you just don't know what's up.
LW has been with this guy for like, almost 5 years. They are going to get married. They are not going to break up!! Not going to!! they are going to get married!!! she said so!!
try working within the framework you've been given.
I wasn't joking about boarding school.
Much of the initial coverage about Fort Hood turned out to be wrong. Is there anything wrong with that?
The accountability imposed by another country for the CIA's kidnapping and torture reveals much about our own.
Fox News' morning show plays to type, talking about whether Muslims in the Army should face "special debriefings"
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Salon headlines in your mailbox
