Site Presented By
Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
I just read all the comments, then went back to read the original letter. I always find it interesting that as the comments section grows, there are ideas that kind of take hold and become fact when the original letter doesn't really support those ideas. After reading the comments, it seems the daughter is barely able to function...some kind of filthy feral child that can scarcely communicate. (Okay, that may be an exaggeration, but that's the kind of image I was getting.) Back in the original letter, we learn that the girl doesn't take herself for a haircut (not that she doesn't GET haircuts, she just doesn't take it upon herself), she doesn't cook or make her bed. She doesn't dress her self _appropriately_ (yes, she can dress herself for crying out loud). She's dependent on instruction (!), clumsy, sloppy...sounds like a more-or-less typical kid. Maybe a little immature for 16 (still finds boys yucky) but not like off-the-charts mentally ill. Immature is probably not a big surprise given what is described as a sheltered upbringing (I think the word was "opulent", but I'm paraphrasing) and a traumatic family life.
I think everyone freaks out when they read about the "menstrual blood" but honestly, there can be occasional "soiling" of a towel after a shower that isn't like mopping up after a crime scene. Not terribly hygenic--and the LW was right to correct it--but not like smearing herself with feces for heaven's sake.
So, I'm with Allie speaking on the girl's behalf. It sounds like she needs some guidance and has some growing up to do. It also sound like the disdain (I think someone else said "loathing", which seems apt) of the LW aren't going to help her in that department.
I just feel bad for the girl.
Mr. Tennis always pulls through. Great advice. Nothing more to be said, really.
because in the end everyone who writes in has a problem for which they need advice. But there is something about this letter that chills me.
Her boyfriend buys a nice house with an ocean view and she considers that she has done her part by bringing in some kitchen gadgets and decorating. Only seeing the daughter infrequently around their weekly dinner suited her fine. She acknowledges she would be the kid's stepmother but refuses to be her teacher or caretaker (pretty much the definition of a parent).
For me, the critical sentence was when she said she would rather do her mother's laundry than Anna's. Clearly she does not regard Anna as part of her family despite having been with her boyfriend for the last four years. Without that essential connection, her becoming Anna's stepmother would be a monsterously selfish act by her and a completely shirking of her bf's responsibilities as a father.
So, yes, LW, leave. You started a relationship when you were twenty five with a man many years your senior. He somehow managed to avoid having his daughter interfer with your romance for many years, but that situation has changed. And sending the daughter away to a boarding school as others have suggested would send a horrible message to the child, as she will know why she was tossed out of the house. But compared to living with two adults who clearly have no interest in helping her make her way through these difficult years... well, I can see why she needs to escape into a fantasy world.
After reading the letter one more time, I think Eugene Skinner (posted a coment on page 1) is on the right track.
This has to be someone's idea of a creative writing project. I'm not so sure the letter is real.
If he can't be depended upon to care for his own child, you, as an "add-on," someone who just walked midway into this movie drama, can't expect anything better from him either.
I too lived this drama, and I also loathed an adult (28 yo) stepson. He had a variety of problems--ADD, drug dependency/dealing, previous incarceration--and his father ignored all of it. He also told me that said son was already an adult and had his own life that wouldn't interfere in our new life together.
Turned out that the old man was moving drugs and using said child--HIS OWN SON--as a mule. He treated me no better either, expecting me to $$ly underwrite their illegal enterprise--talk aboaut a "family business." I was lucky to get out before The Law came a-knocking (as they later did, I learned).
Take your cue from your beloved's behavior. However he treats his own, is how he'll treat YOU if you become his wife. Let him "man up" and take care of his previous obligations before he undertakes new ones w/you and any children you may want in your married life together. It's not fair to you, your unborn children, but especially poor Anna: that's a programmed failure in the making.
But, I gotta tell you--it ain't gonna happen w/this one.
PS Since you mention "resources," I assume that's $$, and a considerable amount; nannies and other household help don't come cheap. Are you sure it's not the potential lifestyle you see slipping away from you? Don't do it to yourself, and especially not to that child. Run, don't walk, away from this catastrophe-to-be.
Well done on the advice, Cary.
A few thoughts:
I agree with those who wonder what on earth LW is doing, pondering a serious, permanent relationship with a man who has proven himself unfit to properly care for his own child. This fellow is showing you exactly who he is. Believe him. And move on.
LW, why would you, in one sentence, state that you want no part of being a stepmom...and in the next, ponder taking on the job of playing full-time mother to this young woman? Quit trying to talk yourself into going counter to your natural instincts.
LW, whatever has happened to this girl so far is not your fault nor your problem. You really are not her parent and no-one's asking you to be. She is 16 and already a mess. Believe me, you don't have the natural authority to step in at this late date and make it all better.
Don't do it. This is a situation you can't fix.
Much of the initial coverage about Fort Hood turned out to be wrong. Is there anything wrong with that?
The accountability imposed by another country for the CIA's kidnapping and torture reveals much about our own.
Fox News' morning show plays to type, talking about whether Muslims in the Army should face "special debriefings"
219 Democrats and one Republican join in favor of the legislation, which passed by a narrow margin
The survivor and author is upset about comparisons some on the right are making to genocide
Salon headlines in your mailbox
