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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
I am amazed at the sheer viciousness of some of the responses to the LW.
She is still fairly young and is just beginning to come to grips with the situation she finds herself in. We don't know anything about her level of education, her job (if any), her ethnic or cultural background.
At least she is conscientious enough to fold the girl's panties and not just stuff them in a drawer like some people I know.
It also amazes me (though not as much as it used to) how quick people are to jump in and diagnose conditions like Aspberger's syndrome or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity disorder.
The irony of it is that these "diagnoses" are just labels for groups of undesirable behaviors that have no known diagnostic test or organic basis, and for which there is no clear-cut, universally agreed treatment program other than growing out of it. So when a letter writer pronounces that the child probably has Asperger's syndrome, this is just a kind of circular argument, because we already know the child is extremely introverted.
Just as a note, reading fantasy novels all day long just seems like an exaggeration of a typical feminine trait, as many women of all ages are prone to reading (or writing) romance novels and watching soap operas. Generally it indicates that at some level of consciousness they wish that they were living in another place and/or another time, or different circumstances, or, if married, with another spouse.
I too am amazed at the tone of many of these letters. I actually give the LW some credit for recognizing now that she has a problem, rather than just blindly and blithely marrying her BF.
However, you are guilty of some hyperbole as well. The posts that mentioned Asperger syndrome and ADHD simply said that Anna reminded them of their own children and that perhaps she should be professionally evaluated. They didn't say "she has X" -- they said, I've seen these traits before and they can be red flags for certain conditions.
Your boyfriend has been a lousy irresponsible father; he would probably make a lousy irresponsible husband.
He is obviously a few years older than you. He could finally grow up, but the odds are against it. You, on the other hand still have time to get your life onto a better track.
Yes, I understand what you are saying, but the primary treatment for Aspberger syndrome is behavioral therapy, i.e. teaching the child the behaviors it lacks, but needs for social success, and there is no disagreement that she has deficits and needs to improve her ADL (Activities of Daily Living) skills. Hence saying that maybe she has Aspberger syndrome is begging the question.
It might be beneficial to have the child evaluated by a clinical psychologist, if this has never been done before, but, then again, there is a considerable risk that she may end up being put on drugs of dubious value, as the medical profession, like nature, abhors a vacuum and always wants to prescribe something, even if the cure is worse than the ailment.
[BTW, before anyone says anything, I am not a Scientologist.]
I thought that many of the posters have been surprisingly understanding of the LW. I actually credited her for being honest enough to acknowlege that she does not care in the least for this girl and feels burdened by her presence in their lives. Clearly this young lady is an utter mess, but the LW feels little in the way of sympathy for this teenager and nothing in the way of empathy. Imagine being dumped in a foreign country by your mother who has gone nuts? Or coming home and having your father foist daily care off on a nanny and might see his daughter once a week or so. She admits that in the fours years of her relationship with her boyfriend that they almost never saw the girl and had little to do with her. Is that normal for a father to treat his child that way? I'd call it neglectful at the very least, abusive at worst. This child is a victim and desperately needs at least one of her parents to finally step up to the plate and do right by her.
As for the LW, I'm really stunned after re-reading her letter that she didn't see anything wrong with how her boyfriend basically ignored his daughter for so long. She seemed more than content with the idea that he had a child, but the child was somewhere else and not a part of their daily lives. Is it any wonder that this girl retreats into reading? After all, her mom is nuts, her father pays little if any real attention to her and certainly doesn't take a daily hand in her upbringing, and her father's girlfriend looks down her nose at her. Hell, I'd be crawling under the bed and refusing to come out if this was how my upbringing was. It is not a nanny's job to raise a child for the parents and I'm really stunned that the LW seems to think this was an acceptable arrangment.
Cary was correct in that her boyfriend can no longer shirk off his responsibilities as a father and that if the LW cannot find it in herself to care about this child and love her as her own, then she has no business being in a relationship with this man. The last thing this girl needs after everything she's been through is to have a stepmother who thinks so poorly off her. She needs a woman who will take her in hand and teach her happily how to be a confident and independant young woman - not to act as if her presence is a grand imposition in their lives.
As for the the LW's age - she's 29! This is not a child or someone just starting out in life. This is someone who's been done with school and out in the world for some time now, thank you very much! The fact that her boyfriend's child is just 13 years younger than her isn't that huge a deal - my brother remarried a much younger woman who is only 12 years older than my neice and she loves my neice as if she were her own daughter. The LW is as immature as her boyfriend's daughter is and some of her comments, such as that because the girl isn't so attractive that she might not ever fall in love, come across as painfully shallow. And given how her father has treated her, I'm not overly surprised that she has no interest in boys.
Cary was correct that legally and morally, at this point the LW doesn't have any obligations to this child except not to be in the way of her father's parenting responsibilities. If they marry, however, she becomes a de facto parent - there is no escaping that. So the LW has two choices; she can either grow up and accept this responsibility with an open heart and be the mother that this girl so desperately needs, or she ends her relationship with the girl's father. The man and his daughter must come as a package deal. And honestly, how could any man who treats his own child so shabbily be anything worthwhile as a husband?
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