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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
It is sad, as people have been saying, that this girl has no one who has the capability to parent her. I wonder about that nanny, but at least that seems like someone who doesn't mind being in her company full time. I'm shaken by the idea that her father felt like he was doing his job by having dinner with her once a week, while she was living downstairs in the same building!
But on top of being neglected, she clearly does have problems that need treatment on a professional level. It might well be Asperger's or something similar. It is infuriating that the girl needs tutors and the LW sees that as her expecting to be "rescued." If she needs it, she needs it. PlEASE understand, the GIRL NEEDS HELP. It seems like they think that if they just ignore it, her needs are going to go away.
Wow. I find it amazing how easily LW writes off Anna as hopeless. As teenagers, there were shades of Anna in myself, friends, my first-year roommate in uni. I do not see that LW is confused about this situation at all - it is crystal-clear how she feels about Anna and the responsibility that comes from having a step-daughter. (Complaining about folding her panties? jeez.) It's a deal-breaker... but if LW does decide to stick around, or even if she doesn't, may I recommend introducing Anna to the wonderful world of high school or community theatre? I have a feeling she may find a kindred spirit or two - I know I did, and one or two of them sound startlingly similar to Anna.
I'm pretty sure there are private boarding schools at which teaching kids how to perform basic personal functions and tasks, much like assisted living facilities do for the mentally challenged but for kids who are otherwise mentally sound, albeit thoroughly untrained. Since, it seems, you're rather more than a bit well-off, you should be able to shoulder the expense of what is something absolutely essential to the future survival of your stepdaughter.
...maybe it's better if you just walk away from this situation entirely. Even though you could do Anna a world of good by encouraging her father to get her examined, you would have to be a much nicer person than you are. You lack even the most basic, normal sympathy or caring for what she's been through and what might happen to her. As well, you are obviously jealous as hell that she has had "everything" and your non-rich, oh-so-did-it-all-on-my-own self has "not." (Do you _really_ think her having money can make up for her mentally-ill mother, neglectful dad, and lack of life skills? That's just bone-chillingly cold-blooded, to say the least.) I strongly suspect other posters are right--you are after this guy for his cash flow and the perfect life that can give you, and you have no tolerance for anything nearly as messy as a teen stepdaughter, especially one with emotional problems.
I'm a father whose teenaged daughter moved in. While I completely agree with Cary's advice, and my daughter is in the normal range of teenagedom, it makes me very sad.
LW,
It is one of those strange truths in life: who a child is at 16 is not necessarily who she turns out to be. This girl still has a shot at the world, but should you marry her father without realizing your duty to her, you'll make her life much worse than it already is.
If you want the man you must take on the girl. If you don't want the girl, I would go so far as to say that you have a moral duty (as we all have a moral duty towards children) to leave the relationship. She trumps you here.
My bet is that she's been struggling with this. Maybe she wasn't ready to articulate, "I love the BF, but wish his daughter would disappear off the face of the planet." Lots of people have trouble recognizing unpleasant truths.
So, LW wrote to Cary. In the course, she's probably figured out that she doesn't like Anna. Good. Now she knows. It's a hell of a lot better that she wrote than if she hid her feelings from judgmental Saloners AND HERSELF!
It's no crime to dislike your partner's kid. It's common. An old African saying about living with step-children is, "Other people's children are like other people's nasal mucus." Let's not forget all the fairy tales with wicked stepmoms.
Now that LW has acknowledged her feelings she can make some good decisions about what to do about it, as per Cary's advice.
I'm autistic (with a father, aunt, first cousin, and many friends that are too) and spent several years focusing on learning everything I can about "our kind." One thing I learned is that there's a stereotype about us (introverted fantasy-lovin geeky bookworms that don't bathe, etc.) and only a fraction of us are like that.
I do see signs of severe neglect and isolation in the girl. Kids learn to care about their appearance & hygiene expressly because they want to impress certain peers -- parents end up instructing, pushing & reminding them about it all the way until that point.
What I don't see, though, is a mention of certain key autistic spectrum traits. She didn't say that the girl moves a lot (or moves one body part a lot), seems to have difficulty getting moving at all, has a very strong or weak sense (i.e. hearing or touch), is prone to emotional meltdowns, has unusual speech (i.e. odd sentence structure), makes staring or avoids eye contact, seems to only talk & think about a couple of topics almost all the time...
Things like those (not all at once or limited to those) are so common that even a short description of one of us usually mentions at least a couple.
As for what the family should do... From articles I've read, I think a modern boarding school would be perfect for the girl's situation. Dorm friends become lifelong 'family', teachers/staff are like parents, independent life skills are taught & expected... She sounds like a bright girl, just one needing a lot of guidance and time with her peers. It sounds like the nanny would be happy to have her stay during school breaks, too.
Assuming the girl goes off to school, LW & partner might as well marry. Just for the sake of all involved, LW, recognize that you're both childfree by nature: giving birth will not magically make you empathic or turn your boyfriend into a good father, it will just put a strain on your relationship and produce another messed-up child.
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