To Asking For It: Please consider advising the father to have this kid evaluated by a pscyhiatrist. There are so many descriptions in this letter that remind me of my oldest son, who has Asperger's syndrome.

Often, kids who have this disorder seem "normal" to people (like the doting nanny) who've known them their whole lives and are used to giving them the line-item instruction regarding hygiene, cleaning up, etc. that they need. But these kids can be a nightmare for other adults, who know there is something wrong but sometimes can't quite put their finger on it.

Aspies kids have socialising difficulties and doing stuff like reading all the time is very common. They find it very hard to make social inferences from body language and facial expressions and they can seem really weird to someone who's not used to their flakier mannerisms. It can be really, really hard to bond with them because they don't seem to respond emotionally, and they often leave people with the impression they want to be left alone.

It doesn't help that Mom abandoned this kid, or she's been bounced around and spoiled, but I doubt that the kinds of hygiene issues described in this letter are because someone's waited on this kid too much. Fortunately, Asperger's kids usually do get better as they mature, especially if they have help recognizing and dealing with their shortcomings. They are often quite brilliant even if they are absent-minded as hell and could care less about stuff like their appearance.

Would the letter writer still feel like this was still a desperate situation if the kid was diagnosed with a problem like this and she was given specific advice on how to help? It's true that even raising normal teenagers is hellishly hard and sometimes unrewarding work, and Cary is right to sternly point out that parenting isn't a party you can choose to leave whenever things get boring or out of hand. But it might make the situation change dramatically to find out what specific steps need to be taken to help this girl, if she is diagnosed.

I think there is ample evidence that some questions need to be asked. Good luck and we wish the best for all of you.

For those who are recommending that the LW break up with this man, remember that the LW might be the sanest person around. If the LW dumps the dad, quite possibly no one will take on the role of noticing what is going on in the daughter's life, and the next girlfriend could be even worse.

It's not necessarily best for the daughter if the LW leaves. Sometimes life is not perfect, it just is what it is. The LW appears sane, thoughtful, and kind. Those are wonderful qualities to have in a role model, and that's what she is to this kid- a role model, not a parent. She doesn't want to be a parent, and hasn't taken on that role before now, and it's not exactly something you can spontaneously become to a 16 year old anyway. But she can live with her and guide her as best she can. You know, two imperfect people making the best of an imperfect situation.

And besides, the LW seems to love this man. There's a chance there for happiness for both of them, and that's worth a lot. The daughter is almost an adult (though she may not act like it) and will probably be out of the house in 4 or 5 years anyway, though she might remain on the "daddy-dole".

I would recommend that the LW stay in the relationship, and see how it plays out. Get a therapist and/or life-skills trainer (they must exist). Be kind to the girl, and meet her at her level. Don't make her your life's project- the girl has to figure out how to live on her own. Think of her as an messy roommate whom you have the right to gently scold and teach.

If your efforts have a positive impact on her life, so much the better. If they have no impact at all, at least you tried. And that's more than her father, mother, or nanny have done.

Oh, this is sad. Sounds like my brother and his daughter. He dates, has relationships, and nothing is ever permanent. Maybe not because of him, not because of his daughter, but because of the way they interact with each other, which is painful to watch when they visit. She is 19, learning disabled (still trying to graduate h.s.) and socially clueless. Her mother died when she was 3. She needs help with grooming (she has horrific dandruff and won't wash her hair on her own), clothing, table manners (sniffing food before you serve yourself at the table is not ok). My sister and I try to do what we can from the other side of the country, but my brother resists any help. It is impossible to suggest, let alone advise. (My sister is a special ed teacher with three adult children; I have two daughters, one slightly older, one the same age as his, so we are qualified). My advice: do not take on the responsibility of raising this child unless you are fully on-board and your boyfriend is willing to listen to you. And you, with no child-raising experience, need to be careful to educate yourself as to her situation and please, reach out to other parents. My deceased sister-in-law's attitude was "Just because my daughter is adopted, doesn't mean I don't know what I am doing!" And unfortunately, my brother seems to think he knows what he is doing, and has never tried to find out what the norm is. He's raising her in isolation. My neice is loving and loveable and I could do so much more for her if he would take some advice and seek some help. Readers, do not criticize the LW; if she were to marry this man and take on the responsibility for raising this teen, she would be on her own; this man, like my brother, doesn't know what he is doing and doesn't want to know. When you leave him, please, for the sake of his daughter, make it clear to him that you are leaving not because of his daughter, but because of his inability to raise his daugther. If you stay, God bless you. Find help and do your best. But you must ask yourself if you want to stay with a man who cannot connect with his own daughter and leaves her to the paid help.