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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
Wow.
This story appears to have been written by one of the Bronte sisters. The crazy foreign ex-wife in a far-off land and the eccentric fantasy-loving daughter of this Mr. Rochester.
Seriously, though, I suspect that the daughter too may have the potential to develop a mental illness and need lifelong support.
The ball is in the LW's court. If she stays, she should not expect dramatic change, but then again, the experience may be rewarding.
I often disagree with the advice that Cary dispenses, but this time he hit the nail squarely on the head. As a women of a certain age who has dated her fair share of divorced men, one thing that you always need to be aware of is that any children he might have had will be an enormous factor in you relationship. He is not only looking at a prospective mate, but someone who is able to be a co-parent to his children. It's a matched set folks, and there's no seperating them.
It would be like this under any normal circumstance where there is a child involved. This is a case where clearly only one parent is fit to take custody of a teenager who understandably is going to be angry, upset, resentful... imagine all of the angst of a normal teenage existance and multiply it. This young woman was abandoned by one parent and needs the full attention of the other. This is not something that can be negotiated and I personally would never be involved with any man who did not place his children first in his priorities.
I give the LW credit in that she is honest enough to admit to herself that she does not want to be "Anna's" mother figure, so where does that leave her relationship with "Anna's" father? Dead in the water, unfortunately. No matter how much she might love this man, if she cannot love his daughter as well, she has no business continuing the realtionship. This young woman needs the guidence of another woman who has been in the world, who can show her how to care for herself and make a life for herself. The LW admits that she is not capable of doing so.
The only sane and kind thing to do for everone involved is to end her relationship with this man and let him focus fully on his daughter. It's a painful answer, but it's the only one that makes any kind of sense. This man cannot be forced to chose between a woman that he cares about and the child that desperately needs him. "Anna" deserves to be given the right kind of care by someone who genuinely has her interests at heart and doesn't resent her presence in their lives. And as for the LW... she deserves a life that makes her happy and complete. She isn't going to find it here.
LW, take it from me ... there are few miseries on this earth as hellish as living with a step-parent who doesn't want you.
You can't help how you feel and don't let anyone guilt you out about it. Reality is what it is - you don't want to be her mother figure. It can't be faked - you will crack cause it's not what you want.
But worst of all, that poor girl will be seriously hurt if you come in there without wanting her in the family too. Please don't hurt that young girl like that. She'll pay for it for a lifetime.
And why torture yourself either?
Agree with previous commenters - your boyfriend needs to focus on raising his daughter. And given that you are only 13 years older than her, it seems a bit much to expect you to take on a co-parent role.
Second, it sounds to me like Anna has some development problems which require professional evaluation, not just having the nanny teach Dad "how to raise a child".
Bingo.
You can't say no one warned you.
Also, you don't mention your plans for having children, but the only thing worse than becoming this girl's stepmother would be to have a child with this man, who appears to be an utter failure as a parent.
First, this letter is not for real - it's a writing project. If this situation were real (not impossible, just improbable), then Cary's advice would be sound: tell Dad to get it together and
move on since you're not ready to take on this responsibility.
But there is one more possibility. Make a pact with the kid and, if she's amenable, agree to take job. Four years of step-child finishing school in exchange for a life of wealth and leisure. Not a bad trade off.
Sit the two of them down. Lay it out. Marry Dad. Educate the Kid. It's a four year project, and at that point everything gets renegotiated. If you succeed, great. If you fail, everybody goes their separate ways.
How could you love a man who was such a terrible, miserable failure of a father?! He has no business dating you. He should be focusing on his depressed daughter, not some twenty-something babe. I find this letter to be incredibly depressing. She spent most of her time at the nanny's house? Run, run away now! What kind of person would treat their flesh and blood like this? A bad person, that's who.
Cary,
For a change, direct and sound advice. And I agree with the other readers, this man is no catch.
this troubled kid does not need a step-parent who does not want them. your concerns are real, but the end result is you should leave this situation. the child's needs take precedent over anything else, PERIOD. that should make it relatively easy for you.
. . . to have a shot at being stepdaughter to a woman who thinks you're stupid, useless and ugly to boot.
Oh, Mummy Dearest!
(linkback) Yes or No? Should she marry this man when she doesn't want to be a stepmom? [VOTE] - http://www.thriveorfail.com/3eab4
It seems to be that everybody is assuming that the father will start taking care of his daughter, once he's reminded to do so. From reading the story I'd think that he hasn't shown any real interest in being involved with his daughter. What makes people think that all of a sudden, by the mere mention that he 'should' be taking care of his daughter and getting involved in her life he'll see the light and instantly change his ways.
The advice given sounds good, about the woman having to make a decision to back out of the relationship, if she's unwilling to take care of the daughter. I'm a little worried that the boyfriend/father to Anna will rebound to another woman to fill the void in his life, and the story will start all over again.
I agree with the commenter who says that you can not fake love for someone else's child Personally I'm happily married, and also have a 16-year old step-daughter, whom I consider no different that if she was my very own daughter. As a matter of fact, I don't even use the 'step'part when introducing her to people; she's my daughter. Anybody who knows me is aware that I love her very much and that I'm very proud of her.
It would take a lot of counseling for the writer to shed herself of all the resentment built up over the last 4 years, observing Anna growing up. The writer, being 29, seems to have a very short memory; already having forgotten about being a teenager herself. I have to say that the writer's mother did a pretty good job raising her; after all she raised her in such a way that the writer takes credit for everything she knows, not realizing that her mother was the teacher. As it has been pointed out, Anna did not have that benefit, and I fault the father for not having stepped into that role, and instead having 'shipped' her off to a nanny.
It's a sad story, but my advice would be to have Anna evaluated by a child psychologist. It is not too late to intervene. With proper guidance Anna may very well still turn out to be a well-adjusted adult - just a little later than expected.
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Salon headlines in your mailbox
