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• Tuesday, January 13, 2009 06:07 AM

  @Ravanne

  Or coming home and having your father foist daily care off on a nanny and might see his daughter once a week or so. She admits that in the fours years of her relationship with her boyfriend that they almost never saw the girl and had little to do with her. Is that normal for a father to treat his child that way?

  Well, as I said before, we don't know anything about the cultural background of this family, or what is normal in their world.

  Right now living at my house as family is the 11-year-old niece of my wife, a very nice child, whose mother (my sister-in-law) is divorced from the father who is remarried with another child.

  Her mother has returned to her own country, leaving the child with father, step-mom, and little sis,and for whatever reason things weren't working out the the child was being left alone for long periods in a run-down apartment complex in a gang-infested neighborhood.

  Now she is living with us and is perfectly happy, and speaks to her mom and her dad on the phone from time to time, and occasionally visits with her dad and step-mom, e.g. for Christmas.

  Is this ideal? It seems not, but what is the point in jumping on the father and telling him that he is a lousy dad? Who knows what problems he has in his life? He is poor, he is working his butt off in a low-paid job. At least his daughter is well taken care of, fed well, has friends, and is getting a US education.

  More important is that some responsible adult takes care of the child, regardless of the exact degree of consanguity.

  In the example of the LW's letter, it seems to me quite possible that since the nanny appears to love and want the child, and may be the most important adult in her life, that the father probably ought to pay the nanny to continue to take care of her and have her visit as desired by both sides of the equation.

  Human society is much more complex than many Salon readers allow.

  And, yes, I agree that some LW's have been reasonably supportive or compassionate towards the LW, but some have been extremely vicious.

  Now, time for breakfast.

  —Amerigo Read Amerigo's other letters
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