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Get out, LW, Get out NOW.
Everyone else on this thread has pretty much hit the highlights of why this couple (LW and her boyfriend) are shallow and self-involved, and the terrible parenting, and disastrous implications for the future. I have another question:
WTF was going on for the last four years? I know the LW was 25 when she met her boyfriend, and I assume he was in his 40s if not older. (Yes, he could have been as young as 35, but that seems unlikely. It's more probably he is 50-ish today.) It's pretty obvious that he's rich, and she is young and quite attractive, hence the comments that Anna couldn't possible ever FALL IN LOVE, let alone marry, because (*Gasp!) she's not attractive. (LW, I have some news for you -- 92% of all people marry at some time in their lives, and 92% of all people are most definitely NOT super attractive. Hence, homely people can and do fall in love and marry!)
Anyways, what the hell was going on during the FOUR YEARS that the LW was dating, and knowing full well the child was DOWNSTAIRS in another condo with a nanny, and only coming to dinner ONCE A WEEK? Did she never say "Hey, honey, why don't we take Anna to a movie/concert/the zoo? Why don't I take her shopping for some cute clothes, or for a manicure..or heck, a haircut!"
FOUR YEARS! Frankly LW, you are a moral dwarf. I don't care how pretty you are, or successful, or that your new condo overlooks the ocean. You are scum. You sat there for four years, canoodling with the father of a lonely child, taking vacations, eating in nice restaurants, probably the recipient of a lot of gifts -- the whole time knowing this poor kid was sitting downstairs, parentless.
NOW you have the unmitigated GALL to say she's not got manners, she doesn't know where to get her own hair cut, she doesn't exhibit good personal hygiene? Where the hell were you and Dad when she needed to learn these things? Did YOU ever take her for a haircut? (I'll bet my last nickel you spent plenty of $$$ getting your own hair dyed and highlighted and straightened, don't you?) Maybe if you had, she'd KNOW WHERE TO GET HER HAIR CUT.
Couldn't you have treated her, when you were 25 and she was TWELVE, like a little sister or cousin, someone you could mentor (without perhaps actually "mothering")? I have friends and neighbors whose daughters I take great pleasure in taking shopping or for ice cream, or ice skating or whatever (our kids are pushing 30, so it's a kind of faux-grandparenting on my account). On occasion, I get asked the kind of stuff that is sometimes easier to talk about with a family friend than your own mom -- that cute boy in class who doesn't notice you, how awful periods are, how hard school is, what sorts of stuff you do on the internet, your favorite fantasy books or video games. If you had remotely this sort of relationship with Anna, she wouldn't be this way at sixteen.
As far as not being interested in boys: let me clue you in. If you are an lonely, awkward, not very pretty teenage girl and no boy shows interest in you, it is very logical to take the stance that "you are not interested in boys". It's a way of protecting your ego about the rejection you are feeling. It doesn't mean you are androgynous, and it does not mean you are a lesbian. Furthermore, most girls outgrow this stage and a few years later are happily involved in relationships. (If anything, many parents would be happy enough to have a kid who isn't sleeping around or hooking up.) Late bloomers are often the most successful adults.
You might also be amazed how much of a change in physical appearance and hygiene can occur when a child feels loved and cherished for WHO THEY ARE. A good hairstyle and grooming may be all Anna needs to look reasonably attractive. I seriously doubt she's the horrorshow you have cruelly made her out to be.
It's pretty obvious to ME that a good deal of the reason you dislike this girl is because she's not attractive to you, and it's probably also why her dad neglects. That just makes me nauseous....your cruelty and sense of superiority.
Pretty much everyone here has warned you that a man who rejects his own flesh and blood child is NOT GOING TO BE a good dad to any child you have with him. He clearly has no love and compassion in his heart. No matter how large his wallet, or how fabulous the dream house on the ocean is, this will be one cold fish you have picked. And trust me, if you move on, he won't have any trouble finding another trophy bimbo to replace you...the world is full of 'em.
I have often said to people who are trying to build a new marriage on the ashes of an old relationship: you cannot build a solid house on sand. The instability and baggage will always be there, just under the surface.
Second marriages where minor children are involved are TOUGH -- they are not for slackers and moral cowards. If you can't openheartedly love and care for Anna, and be a parent to her, then you are doing her direct harm by marrying her father. As for him, he's scum. A man who will mistreat his only child won't hesitate to mistreat you, or cheat on you.
Leave now, or remember what has been said to you here when the bitter taste of the ashes of this disastrous relationship are in your mouth.
