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I often disagree with the advice that Cary dispenses, but this time he hit the nail squarely on the head. As a women of a certain age who has dated her fair share of divorced men, one thing that you always need to be aware of is that any children he might have had will be an enormous factor in you relationship. He is not only looking at a prospective mate, but someone who is able to be a co-parent to his children. It's a matched set folks, and there's no seperating them.
It would be like this under any normal circumstance where there is a child involved. This is a case where clearly only one parent is fit to take custody of a teenager who understandably is going to be angry, upset, resentful... imagine all of the angst of a normal teenage existance and multiply it. This young woman was abandoned by one parent and needs the full attention of the other. This is not something that can be negotiated and I personally would never be involved with any man who did not place his children first in his priorities.
I give the LW credit in that she is honest enough to admit to herself that she does not want to be "Anna's" mother figure, so where does that leave her relationship with "Anna's" father? Dead in the water, unfortunately. No matter how much she might love this man, if she cannot love his daughter as well, she has no business continuing the realtionship. This young woman needs the guidence of another woman who has been in the world, who can show her how to care for herself and make a life for herself. The LW admits that she is not capable of doing so.
The only sane and kind thing to do for everone involved is to end her relationship with this man and let him focus fully on his daughter. It's a painful answer, but it's the only one that makes any kind of sense. This man cannot be forced to chose between a woman that he cares about and the child that desperately needs him. "Anna" deserves to be given the right kind of care by someone who genuinely has her interests at heart and doesn't resent her presence in their lives. And as for the LW... she deserves a life that makes her happy and complete. She isn't going to find it here.
