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I'm with Gailed -- what I first thought in reading LW's account is Asperger's. I'm not a clinician -- but the profile matches that of a young woman with Asperger's whom I met when she was Anna's age. It was a lot of work in these teen years to reinforce appropriate social behavior, etc... -- but with a lot of love in those difficult years, and a coordinated approach by the family, that young woman is now in her third year at a small college, has done a successful semester abroad, and has a boyfriend. She is thriving -- and all this when her mom was thinking that the child would never leave the home and could never function on her own. Love and professional guidance at every step gained this wonderful evolution. Anna really needs diagnosis and support and understanding and strucure. She has a disorder of some sort and a hell of a personal history of rejection and neglect.
As a mom of three daughters, my heart just went out to the child. She is emerging into adulthood and lacks tools and socialization. LW, too, is just on the other side of this emergence and doesn't feel ready to pull another onto the lifeboat. She's just getting her eye on the prize, too -- and her is this looming responsibility before she's ready to do more than arrange the nest with her beloved. Fair enough -- if you haven't had 16 years of parenting practice leading up to this moment, Anna must seem impossible and a distraction. Yet she will be a full-grown woman in society, she needs education and socialization that she's not getting. The nanny may love her and tend to her needs but is now a compensatory or even enabling system. Not the nanny's fault but the best that could be done given the situation.
Anna is where she is. She needs help from outside professionals who can also guide the adults who are responsible for her. The father hasn't been up to the task; the mom is out of picture. Part of loving the dad is supporting him and his child in getting back into alignment, and partnering with him to provide stability, structure, and a loving home environment for Anna. She's not just a problem that leaves the home in 2 years -- she is a developing woman who's been abandoned by mom and hasn't been treated for a possible autistic condition or some related disorder. There is great potential for human development and happiness here.
Counseling. For LW, for LW and the dad, and for the trio. In addition to getting an evaluation for Anna -- if LW truly wants to be with the dad, she's going to have to become a stepmom in a difficult situation -- and she also has the opportunity to work with dad in transforming or ameliorating a situation in which a younger woman is truly suffering -- despite off-putting behavior and alienation.
