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I must say, I'm somewhat suspicious of this letter. The author comes across as such a monster, and the 16 year old as such a cypher, and the lifestyles so gorgeous, that it seems vaguely fictional. The part that rings most true is the author's inability to understand why the 16 year old much have things spelled out for her that the author believes should be intuitive.
The idea that you could have anything approaching the expectations of this girl that you would from someone who grew up with one or more lovings parents who emphasized independance is insane. Do you hear yourself? The child is, for all intents and purposes, an orphan. Its a miracle she functions at all. And you despise her. The stunning thing is that you don't suggest that she despises you. You don't suggest that she has been even remotely rude to you. How could she not? Forget loving her like your own, you don't even seem to have basic love that one human can feel for another.
You are right that a person's children are a part of their lives forever. If you want no relationship with this girl, leave. Now. Forever. Quickly. I doubt this will cause your boyfriend to suddenly make up for lost years but who knows.
To that I say: spell them out. And kindly. It costs you nothing. You say that no one had to spell them out for you, but (1) everyone is different, and (2) you had people modeling the behavior they wanted to see from your earliest years. You take that for granted. I have adopted children who I got at the ages of 9 and 15. My experience growing up with 2 loving parents has remarkabley little application to their lives. I'm not always as patient as I might be, but I at least get that much.
Dear Universal Parent, bless this child. You have given her books. Lead her to people who will love her. Show her her worth. And bless the author. She seems strangely loveless. If these people can love one another, show them now. And if not, may they go in peace, the child with her father, the woman to a new home. So be it.
