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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
A lot of people have said a lot of insightful things in these letters. Yes you are pretentious. Yes, it is normal to be confused and shaken so soon after a breakup - if at all you ever cared for the one who moved out, which I believe you did, etc etc.
However, the only "problem" here is how YOU seem to go about relationships. You can't decide whether want someone whom you love for chemistry, or for what they're promising you (cause you might score 100% for both. People tend to be imperfect like that.) You left your "soul mate" because his ambitions changed and you no longer approved. It's not "wrong", but it doesn't much sound like the actions of a "soul mate" - at least not at an age where people are still "growing up" and so likely to go through such changes. The 2nd guy sounds much the same. So, before you start up with another bf (whomever that may be) you need to figure out what exactly it is you need. Are you willing to support a man as he goes through changes? If not, date older or stay single. Or, prepare to break up if/when they do change/grow. What if YOU go through changes?
Realize that what you have done, 2 times over, is leave a man who has wondered off his path. Not saying this is wrong. Maybe it's right for you. You have to have your needs fulfilled, after all. I'm just saying to take some time, realize what your needs, priorities actually are in a relationship. Then you won't be so confused when you leave someone because they're not doing what you want, then want them back when they are.
Whether or not you are "highly intelligent", what you are not if self-aware. Learning self-awareness would go a long way towards knowing what you need to be fulfilled. At 25, it is not unnatural to still be developing your relationship style, figuring out what you need, etc. It's ok. I didn't figure it out until I was almost 30 (like many folks these days). But figure it out you must in order to find your happiness in a relationship.
Try staying single for a while and learning to poke around your own faults. It will make you less confused about why and how other men aren't making you happy and complete when theirs become apparent.
I hate for my first letter to be such a negative one, but I can't help it--I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. I can't wait for you to marry Loser Boyfriend A or Loser Boyfriend B, quit your job that your immense intelligence obligates you to hold, have a baby, gain 100 pounds, and live in the suburbs until you die.
God, I hate you.
just be glad you aren't 25 any more. that's my reaction to this letter: whoo boy, life is a helluva lot better at 50. i am so glad i will never again be 25!
the lw definitely needs to stay out of relationships for a while and work on giving herself what she needs.
Dear LW,
Before you go to graduate school to study for your career in international service, you should get real with yourself. Careers in service are not glamorous. At times, they can be monotonous and tedious. They require dedication and commitment. You should prepare yourself for the fact that things might get boring at times.
I am telling you all of this because it seems like you walk away when things stop being exciting. Perhaps you should consider a different career.
First, one must start by not assuming one is an extraordinary asset to the universe and has a duty to bestow these gifts on said universe.
Agree with most posters on this: are elite grad students so intrinsically narcissistic and short-sighted?
This letter bored me to tears, the responses were much more interesting...
Confession: I'm (just barely) under 30 and in grad school. Horrors! I must have a giant trust fund and an ego the size of Texas!
I just want to point out that, while I agree with the general assessment that the LW is freaking obnoxious, many of you are making an erroneous assumption re: trust funds and graduate students. I put myself through college (I'm still paying for it), worked for six years within my chosen field, and decided to return to school. I applied only to and was accepted by schools that offer full funding. Currently, I go to school, teach, and work two side jobs. Why? Because this subject is one I've wanted to pursue all my life. Because this is a terminal degree that will allow me to teach as an adjunct should I so choose. Because I am the first person in my family to go to college, let alone grad school, and I feel lucky every single day that I have the time and support to do this.
I'm not alone. Yes, the majority of grad students are from affluent families, but not all of us are. It seems silly to look down on people who are pursuing graduate studies simply because you assume anyone who is doing so must be rich or pretentious. That seems to me just as ridiculous as the letter writer's assumption that people not in graduate school are aimless morons. Categorical judgments don't help us understand anyone.
That's all. Carry on.
I'm not sure of the logic that equates graduate student with trust fund baby. Perhaps that is true in some cases, but most of the graduate students I know and have known are or were not independently wealth. In fact, they usually struggle to feed themselves and make the rent.
I laugh openly at the idea that military service would be good for anyone. The only thing I see in returning veterans is a deference for authority, a lack of real world job experience, drinking/drug problems, and difficulty fitting into normal society. Military service is perhaps noble, but its no fix for what ails most young people, a lack of genuine direction and purpose. Remember, the goal of military training is to make the enlisted willing and able to kill and be killed. Nothing more, nothing less.
On the other hand, the LW certainly does seem very immature and self-centered. My advice is to her that you should dump both guys, go to graduate school, and do some foreign service. The experience will do you some good. Also, both of these men seem like losers. Being intelligent is mostly genetic. What matters is what you do with your mind, what you achieve. All three of you seem to be moving sideways, not forward. Get off your butt and accomplish something meaningful.
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