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Although I don't doubt that you love--or feel strongly--about both men, I wonder if perhaps there is a part of you that is also viewing them as "set pieces" in your future life, without regard to who they really are as people and what they may need in a relationship.Are you rushing ahead in your mind, envisioning "the perfect life" that you have been told you deserve, with the brilliant doctor husband? If so, some of your reluctance may be more about your disillusions about who you want these men to be, rather than seeing them for who they really are. You may be wanting to cram them into an imaginary place in an imaginary future, and you get depressed because a part of you senses that they won't fit there.
You're young, and no matter how smart you are, things are going to fall apart in small or large ways over and over again in your life. They do for everybody; things shift and change. That's growth. You can't control every aspect of your future. Maybe it would be helpful for you to spend time just being present--present to yourself and truly present to these men when you are in their company. I feel a sense of rushing here; a sense of trying to push something forward, to make a choice, to shoehorn the direction of this into something that "looks right" so that you can soothe your anxiety and show people something that looks good on the outside.
Just let things be what they are. Let these men be who they are, and do the same for yourself. There is no hurry in any of this. Whatever will happen will unfold in it's own time. The only thing you're ever really going to be able to control is your own authenticity.
