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When I was 25, I was terrified of being alone, although that is what I truly needed in order to grow up. I needed to find out who I really was- in relation to myself. I needed to find out what empty spaces I had inside, and how to fill them for myself. I was terrified of the thought of not having a boyfriend, an audience.
I hear in your letter the desire to be good, and to do good, and to do it with a partner. None of these is a bad thing. All are good and normal and natural. But I also hear you blaming the people YOU choose for not being what you want them to be. But you chose them.
Perhaps you should take a step back, and get to know yourself for a while. Then perhaps you'll be ready to choose someone appropriate for you, and be ready and willing to accept them for who they are. If you choose someone appropriate, that shouldn't be as difficult.
And, those two or three days of down aloofness... those aren't the boyfriend's fault, or the ex-boyfriend's fault, or anyone's fault. Two or three days of being down and aloof is your issue. I also would think that any person would not be thrilled to deal with you after three days of being hidden from and then blamed for it.
Taking responsibility for one's own self and one's own happiness is really fucking hard. It sucks. It means that it all depends on you. It's all you. But really, it's already been that way. It's already been all about you, at least in your own mind. So why not just admit it and do what you need to do?
