I've been reading this column semi-frequently for years and I think this may be the first one I actually agree with and like.

Just tell the men buying you drinks you won't have sex with them up front. Otherwise if you let them think they're going to get what they want and then deny them at the end of what they consider valuable time and effort, they won't take you seriously and you'll do a disservice to yourself and other women. In effect that's just leading men on and using them to get what you want. If you do that, they'll turn around and won't think twice about doing it to you or someone else.

The term "prick teaser" comes to mind.

Someone who wants to play but remain a virgin has an immature grasp of the nature of sexual intercourse. The LW is young, of course, so this is understandable, but the whole "saving myself" trope is a total bore.

One doesn't need to lose one's cherry at the end of a line of empty shot glasses but sex is too heavily freighted in our culture.

Find a nice guy, make a friend, get spanked, get laid, live life.

Please, before you do damage to undeserving men.

It sounds like that is something the LW wants. To be sexual with a man but without having intercourse. Kissing, touching, spanking, but no penetration.

I am no longer dating (having found my significant other) but it was not very long ago when I was and I struggled with similar issues. I was no virgin but I still found if I went on a date with a man (and I usually went dutch, so that was not a consideration) who I was attracted to a few times, it became very hard to draw lines. I may be very interested in someone after 3 or 4 dates but not want to have the emotional and physical risk of intercourse. Yet, at the same time, kissing on the street corner becomes harder and less desirable after the first couple of dates. And there is only so much that is acceptable in public.

Why do (some) men find it so hard to stop before sex? I would be very clear - "I am inviting you up to my apartment but I WILL NOT have sex with you. Do you want to come up?" He would accept and the makeout session would commence. He would try to do something against my excessively bluntly stated boundaries (such as, no crotch touching or some other boundary), I would stop and say no, makeout session would resume, same event would occur 5 minutes later. Maybe the guys thought I had short-term memory problems ala Memento?

I might think that the guy was just a jerk if this didn't seem to happen with most men. Why can't two adults just enjoy 2nd base for awhile? Anyone care to explain this to me?

thru Pampolona at the running of the bulls.. Cary -you captured it exquisitely

Maintaining virginity AND being dominated are mutually exclusive

And I think we all know which will be the loser.

maybe try a female spanker

oh yes

Most guys are hardwired to be crazed horndogs. I've been in that situation you were describing, except on the other end. The thinking is "women say one thing, but we all know they don't say what they mean". Plus a lot of women will change their minds midway through and consent to it. Plus, a lot of women have a certain way of looking at you that seems to undermine the words the speak.

Good old Southern boys are well acquainted with your particular style of neurosis; just ask Bill "I did not have sex with that woman, I just came on her dress" Clinton.

At some point most people become grownups. Grownups understand that sex is sex, whether or not the penis goes in the vagina. If it gets you off, it's sex, whether it's a spanking or a blow job or the missionary position. You do not fit any model of being a virgin if you share an orgasm with a partner except the medical model, and the medical model only matters to doctors and certain Muslim extremists.

If you don't want a penis in your vagina, that's fine. But stop kidding yourself that you're saving yourself for marriage.

As for your desire to be dominated, seek an internet group that shares your interests.

There is a whole lot of distance between being totally irresponsible in sexual activity and thinking that being de-virginized should be like casting a magic spell. In other words, doing things thoughtfully is good, but you're investing way too much power into the idea of technical virginity. If you're waiting for the right guy, take this into consideration: If being spanked turns you on, your loss of virginity will be when someone does it to you and you get sexual gratification from it.

My loss of virginity was when I first let my boyfriend give me an orgasm with his hand. We built up to intercourse after that, and when it came, the only thing that was different about it was that now we needed birth control. It was just a variation on a theme, one of many alternatives. I'm kind of glad we did build up to it because it made sure that we did experiment with all those other things - but believe me, there was nothing magical about it. I wasn't a different person. It's not even more intimate.

So be as deliberate as you like, but I think you're making a mistake to think of penile penetration your before and after mark. It's just another means to an end.

It's easy enough not to give the wrong expression: don't let people who don't really know you buy you drinks. You CAN decline, you know. It does send a message, unless it's your old buddy and you buy the next round. And don't sneak off to make out with people until you know each other well enough that he knows what your plan is. That would be the careful, smart thing to do.