Could hubby get a look at the results of the biopsy?. He should see something in writing before he signs on to do any more for this manipulative person.

Although this woman sounds toxic, it also sounds like she's calling the shots in this relationship.

I don't think it's wise to pursue a relationship with this guy until his divorce is final and they haven't been in contact for a good long while. If you move out and tell him to call you when she's out of his life, there's a possibility that he'll never call. That's probably better than having to be the third party in this drama marriage.

You've been dating a married man. Sorry.

As his wife--even a bad wife, in your estimation--she gets the first dibs on him, his health insurance, his emotional and financial support, etc, etc, etc. You get to wait for him to leave his wife. You don't get to throw a bitchy tantrum of "but I want him to leave her!!!" So sorry. When will women finally learn. Yuck.

His wife has no idea what you are talking about. He lied about his lousy relationship and impending divorce to get you into bed. As you apply pressure, he gets cold feet about leaving his oblivious wife. So he came up with this disgusting cancer story. Even if they have been having problems, she doesn't know about you, and nothing he's told you about what a wicked and evil person she is is true. You bought the whole show.

Chances are, he's done with you, loves his wife, and they are spending the holidays on a lovely cruise somewhere.

Their relationship isn't over. Their marriage isn't over. Cary's right: he could have walked away, but he didn't. Not to make light of a breast lump, but if it weren't that, it would be something else. She is playing every card in her deck to get him back, and since he didn't want the divorce, the odds are in her favor. They certainly aren't in yours.

Walk away and tell him to get in touch when he's divorced. Personally, I have a feeling he won't be anytime soon.

If the wife really is that manipulative, I wouldn't be surprised if she made up the lump when her other tactics failed to get the boyfriend back. But whether the lump is real or not, the boyfriend is still emotionally entangled with the wife. I can sympathize with the LW, but I think her best bet is to get out and let him get himself sorted. Maybe they'll get back together once he does, maybe not, but if she hangs around I'd say there's an excellent chance that she'll get to waste another year or two waiting for him to get divorced.

This story was creepy and disturbing to me, because 18 years ago I could have been...the wife. And I found not one, but THREE lumps in my breasts. No, it wasn't faked or manipulative, it certainly did not make my husband "come back to me" (nor was that the intent in my telling him about it), and yes dear Cary, my ex felt perfectly "ok with himself" about dropping my health insurance coverage -- no lingering guilt to disturb his happy new nuptials with #2. I survived, but it was hardly a given.

LW, no matter the outcome, please be aware that your fiance is engaging in something I call "the rewriting of romantic history". I'll bet anything that he was happy enough with his wife, with her grad school or her choice to keep her maiden name...until he fell out of love with her and/or met YOU. Then it was necessary to create an acceptable fiction that the original wife was defective in a great many ways, unlovable, unattractive, demanding, etc. Golly hearing most stories of this type (I've heard 'em coming and going, as the ex and as the new girlfriend) you have to wonder why Mr. Perfect ever even considered marrying such an awful, awful woman...let alone staying with her for umpteen years!

The things he is telling you about his ex are one-sided and if you ever bothered to talk to her in a non-confrontational way, you would be shocked to hear HER side of things. Chances are she had no ring because HE DIDN'T BUY HER ONE (my situation!) and chances are they had no children because HE SAID HE WASN'T ready. Lawdy, what a miracle that now that he's "ready", he has managed to find a 29 year old girl to bear his offspring!

It may look to you, filtered through this one-sided prism, that the ex is even inventing something as terrible as cancer. I really doubt this. If it's a fake, she'd be found out pretty quickly -- a biopsy comes back in a few days at most. Are you seriously telling yourself this woman would contract CANCER just to take away your fiance? That isn't even physically possible.

What I think is that she was terribly hurt by his betrayal, and now she's absolutely terrified because she is without health insurance at a time when she might be hit with crippling expenses and PHYSICAL DISFIGUREMENT. At 29, you may see your young attractive self as immortal...well, it won't always be this way, trust me.

Contrary to what you and Cary simplify and condemn, it can be brutally difficult to find a job in this economy, let alone one that pays for health insurance. I have been working for YEARS in high tech jobs, that require college plus advanced training, at prominent local companies....not one of which offered health insurance, not even a group plan that I'd pay the whole premium for.

A diagnosis of cancer, without health insurance, can be a DEATH WARRANT. I'd love to believe you are not so selfish, heartless and self-absorbed as to think your NUTPIALS are more important than someone else's LIFE. It must be a joke that Cary and you think that she can just "go back to her family". Unless they are bona fide millionaires, they won't be able to front the money for radiation, chemotherapy and surgical reconstruction.

You might want to also consider, at this holiday season, that not all of us are so fortunate to have family, let alone RICH FAMILIES who will just pay off all our troubles and tribulations. Some people quite literally have NO ONE...no one who would help or perhaps no one who CAN help, certainly not with tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical bills.

I don't find it unreasonable that this poor terrified woman would turn to the man who ONCE PROMISED HER HE WOULD BE HER HUSBAND UNTIL DEATH PARTED THEM, a promise that did not include demands that she wear a ring, change her last name or decline pursuing a graduate degree. And who also happens to be the person who is currently providing her with the health coverage she desperately needs right now.

Of course, YOU LW, will never be lonely or frightened or sick, never be unemployed or underinsured. You won't ever get cancer. You probably won't ever die, either. Surely you won't age past 29, because we "all know" that men prefer their woman young and fertile! Since you are so perfect, you are clearly the center of the universe, and the only things that matter are those that bask in the reflection of your gaze.

Hope you enjoy the wedding, dancing on another woman's grave.