not sure cause I haven't looked back over the letters in a day or two- but if housework and being tired are the big issues- put the kids to work!

kids learn responsibility through contributing to the running of the household. Even young children can help out- but older children can do the laundry, wash dishes, keep their own rooms clean/bed made, and help out with whatever else might be needed.

I read a lot about the husband needing to take on more household responsibilities- but do the kids a favor and teach them about service and a good work ethic now. then the husband and wife may find that they have time enough to be partners and friends.

Here's what the LW actually said about her housework:

We both work long hours, we have four kids, and if I don't get my sleep then I don't function the following day. My husband would like me to lighten up -- to go out to a concert, to go out on a Friday morning (when we don't work) for breakfast, etc., but then I don't manage to do all the household tasks.

This isn't an obsessive stay-at-home mom. This is a woman working "long hours" with four children to care for when she gets home. Unless the household is maintained, there will be serious chaos. Doing catch-up work is always harder than maintenance, and that misery can more than cancel out the fun had the night before. The people telling her to blow it all off and cut loose are not going to be doing that catch-up work for her. So when is she supposed to sleep again? And why do we think it reasonable that she operate sleep-deprived?

A second read made this letter look far worse than it did the first time. Is this guy pulling his weight at home? If he thinks two older children are as easy to care for as four small ones, then he's not.

"It didn't seem to occur to him that we have more responsibilities and less time." I vote for not.

And then to strike with out by comparing his wife negatively to someone he knows she dislikes? Why are people telling this woman to go on dates with him? If she weren't married (read: stuck), we'd tell her to dump him. Instead, we're calling her names, telling her she needs therapy, telling her she's obsessive, telling her she needs lexapro. What is this, another dose of Mother's Little Helper? I hear you're unhappy. Take this. It will help you suck it up.

No, she doesn't need to suck it up or lighten up. Things like the dishes need to be done, especially in a household with four children. If there isn't time for her to do other things AND get enough sleep after she's finished with the work, the problem does not lie with her. This is especially true if the work itself has value in it that overrides the repetition.

The problem lies with a lack of respect for the work she does, one that appears to be both global and intimate.

...between nesting and doing chores. I like hanging out at home, watching TV or reading or going online. I haven't been to a club in eons (and could take or leave them then.) However, I don't spend the majority of my downtime cleaning up. Why? 1) Because I'm of the "65% school"--if most of the house looks clean and things are accessible without a treasure hunt, that's good enough. :) 2) I've seen what obsessive perfectionism re: cleaning has done to my mother in terms of sucking the joy out of life, and I damm sure ain't going that route. Better clutter and some dust than a perfect house and perfect obsessive misery, as far as I am concerned.

First of all, the LW never said she needs a "full night's sleep." She said, "I need my sleep." This doesn't mean "seven hours" as some have suggested, just that going out at night is difficult, because what sleep she gets is disrupted.

Now, it does sound to me like this lady is a wee bit rigid. Maybe she and her husband are just not compatible. She reminds me of me when I was married to my ex-husband. I was just such a control freak about chores and money and time when I was married to him, and he, in turn, was totally irresponsible with money, time, and everything else. We just really brought out the worst in each other. I'm way more relaxed with my current DH, and I hope he's found someone as nice, too.

Well, the LW has four kids, so breaking up over compatibility issues is probably not the best route to take. Particularly now, with housing in the toilet, it makes even more financial sense to try to save your marriage! I think counseling is in order. I think the LW is taking her "job" of being the responsible one way too seriously, and her husband (though she doesn't directly say this) is occupying the position of the irresponsible but "fun" guy who's always chafing at Mama's controlling bit. Counseling would help them recognize the dynamics of this and perhaps change them. It's not just as easy as "lightening up" when you feel if you don't do things, they won't get done. And it's not as easy as "helping with the chores" when every time you do something, you've done it wrong. A professional can help here, and therapy is cheaper than a lawyer.

The friend is a side issue. The LW is focusing on her as symbolic of the problem. She does sound like a bit of a dishrag, and right after making that appointment with the counselor, she should probably forget the chores for the evening (though I generally agree with Anonymous_Too about the pleasures of a clean and ordered environment), and go somewhere ALONE. Get a massage or have her hair drastically cut and colored or something. I hate to sound like a member of a talk show audience, but you have to take time for yourself to have energy for others.