1. Totally own their behavior (demons, shmemons, you made your bed)

2. Never, ever try to get the person they destroyed back, on the chance that as much as they want to be different, they might do the same thing again.

If you truly love her, let her heal and move on. Anything but is selfish, and you've already been selfish enough. Then, work on figuring out what is going on with you that you would do something so deceitful and painful to others, so you can not do it again, for yourself, your kids, and your future loved ones.

This is my perspective as one who has been in your (ex) wife's shoes.

Did the LW say anything to indicate gender? Cary says "your wife" but I don't see anything to indicate that it's not "your husband."

Here is where I would start. Do the thing Cary said, about asking for help. That's good. And say to your spouse that you want to make things right. Ask what you can do. If your spouse quite reasonably says, "There's nothing you can do, you broke it and it can't be fixed now, things will never be the same again," then you say "Please just tell me where to start. Whatever you want, I'll do that."

Then you do it, a step at a time.

Cary, honey, you should probably take some Percocet and go to bed. Poor baby!

But I was angry and hurt and couldn't see the proverbial trees through the forest. More than anything, however, I was weak.

Angry at who? Hurt by what? And why pick the most evil way on the face of the earth to drown the anger and hurt?

Cary was kind. You have hurt your children and your spouse, and all you can talk about is your pain and your hurt. A clinical comment about how this hurt them Not one care about your kids' confusion. You. you. you. You act like you know the words, but not the emotion of empathy.

I think your marriage is done, but you can salvage the relationship with your children. You are paying a price right now, but it is nothing like what the kids will, or the spouse will.

First off, stop with the "demons". These are not demons. They are selfish urges. And you indulged them to the fullest. YOU chose that. They did not "master" you. You chose to disrespect your marriage, to steal time from your kids, to try to fill up some hole in your soul. Acknowledge that YOU have agency, you are not a victim of circumstance, and that will be a start.

Second, I hope that you have broken off with your partner in pain. If not, do so.

Third, get some therapy.

Fourth, think about someone else for a change. You have taught your children that it is OK to disrespect their parent, to lie to their parent, to hurt their parent, that this is normal behavior. They will wonder why you prefered to spend time with this other person and not them, with what is wrong with them that this happened. They will do this because they are kids. They don't understand that this is about your selfishness and indifference to your spouse. Kids blame themselves. You need to short-circuit that. Since you chose to do this damage with a close friend of the family, there is no way they will not find out. Someone they know (not necessarily your spouse) will tell them, of spite (cousins, your adulterous partner's kids, a family member), evil, or innocence. YOU chose that pain for them. YOU need to find a way to make them safe and secure. You need to explain that you respect your spouse greatly, but you made a big mistake. You need to spend some time with them, because if you were lying to the spouse, I guarantee you lied to the kids at some point to find time for the booty. You need to connect to them, because someone connected to his or her kids would not forget about them and their pain like that.

Five: If your spouse is smart, he or she will not take you back. If this person is willing to give you another chance, you will jump through some hoops, for a LONG time, before he or she should think about taking you back. You lied. You are not trustworthy. A trial separation, some structured custody, therapy, and some drugs sound like they are in order. Normal people do not lie like that, to the faces of someone they claim to love. It takes some serious selfishness to lie like that, to try to make someone crazy with big, bold, blantant lies like you decided. Your lies were attempts at manipulation, and a sane person would keep a long distance from a manipulator so bold and thoughtless. The lies are the biggest thing. You attempted to manipulate her sanity, her perception of reality, for your comfort. That is the most nasty thing you can do to someone. It takes a long time to get over. I don't know if it can be forgiven.

I want the LW to understand the impact of this behavior. If your spouse is sane, I think you are hosed. Focus on the children. Leave the spouse alone.

Within the idiotic glibness of the above-quoted passage, you will find the root of all your problems.

...through the forest"? What are you, retarded?

I have demons! I had an affair! Can I have a do-over?

Christ, Cary. If you want to answer letters stoned off your ass, far be it from me to interfere with your process. But let someone else pick the letters.

The absence of any mention of the effect of this on any person other than the LW suggests that s/he is probably both. Maybe this person is just the least "emotionally intelligent" person to ever write to CT, but, damn!

LW: Forget your wants. You just spent all your Iwant points. You screwed this up big time, and now you must pay the price. Speaking as a manipulative prick myself, I can promise you that the only hope you'll ever have of recovering anything that you have lost is to own, absolutely, this mistake. No demons, no rationalizations. Just you, a stupid, greedy, arrogant ass. If you don't see that in yourself, then you need professional help to show it to you; you can only change what you know. Flailing about on the surface will only hurt you, your soon-to-be-ex spouse and your children more. Are you the kind of person who has to focus on the hurting you part? Remember then that all the drama in the world can't give you what you want. The only way out is through to the other side.

Boy, I love when I get to be this judgemental and to feel this superior! Thanks, your FU has made my day. (Did I write that out loud?)