Lady, you're a damn fool if you let Cary talk you into remaining in this situation. It's not going to get any better - the only direction for this to go is down.

Yeah, it's a shame, yadda, yadda. But you know what? It's NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Don't let anybody try to tell you it is, and don't feel obligated to rearrange your life to deal with someone else's problem.

If I were you, I'd go talk to a good divorce lawyer, because if your husband doesn't wake up and smell the coffee, I definitely see divorce in your future. The only question is how much shit you're willing to eat before you come to that realization.

A few people have said things like: "This is a crucial time, i say get mean. Stand as one, as parents should, and set an ultimatum. "

Exactly how is she supposed to do that without the husband on board? He is most definitely *not* on board. My charitable guess is that he is clueless and naive but based on my experience he is not going to listen to his wife on the topic. Her only hope is if he listens to an outside professional. The husband is the problem here.

sounds like it.

Please, please give Nefariousmuse and Advocatus big red stars for their insightful letters sounding the alarm -- if the LW only sees a few responses to Cary's column, these need to be among them.

I try to avoid tennis stuff, but this one really bothers me.

Disclaimer: I work for Family Services, in a state-run facility for adjudicated youth.

The first law of medicine is first do no harm. LW has exposed herself and her household to great potential harm and risk. The implications of housing a juvenile without court supervision and support are catastrophic. How can she possibly help this troubled youth when she is herself exposed in such a dramatic way?

LW needed a managed case-plan before this girl ever set foot in the house. The sword of criminal justice hangs precariously above your head, by a thread, and all that has to happen is a single call to 911.

Really Cary, you should know better.

The letters so far have been excellent. Yes, leave. Leave now.

I wonder about the true paternity of the child. Also, about her mother.

From the behaviors you have described in your letter, it sounds as though your niece might have a mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder. I suggest that you do some research about the causes of the disorder, the ways people with the disorder tend to act out, and strategies for dealing with someone who has it.

Right now it sounds like you are feeling a lot of anger towards the child, and that is probably making it hard for you to deal with her in a calm, fair, systematic way, which is what a child like that needs. I think it would help you to feel less angry if you could explain her behavior as arising from a mental illness. Of course, this does not excuse the behavior, it just explains it. Once you can change from saying "she is doing this to piss me off and usurp my authority" to "this behavior is a symptom of a mental illness" you can get a handle on your own anger. Then you can start working with your husband to develop a plan for handling her behavior.

One last suggestion: Dr. Russell A. Barkley has written some excellent practical guides to disciplining a child with severe behavior problems. I recommend his book Your Defiant Child: 8 Steps to Better Behavior as a guide that you and your husband can use together.

To Letter Writer:

As others have mentioned, this is not your fault. It is your husband's. Also, as much as I hate to write this, there is something wrong with his relationship with her. He is replacing you with his 13 year old niece, who has claimed that she was molested. You need to start seriously looking at your husband. It is classic behavior, particularly the way he gives her special treatment, spends virtually all of his free time with her, and prioritizes her over you. I think there is a reason you are losing. He prefers his underage relative. If it were me, I would seriously consider monitoring his body language around her. If you suspect something, I would seriously consider confronting him or telling a social worker. It will do much for your marriage, but that is pretty much wrecked by this point anyway. What is important is if that girl really is being molested, she needs help and needs to be away from your husband (regardless of whether or not he is doing anything to her). He is obviously not helping her.

I rarely have serious problems with Cary's advice but this is one of them.

I wish Cary had spend the years I did as a working journalist pouring over police reports and court dockets day after day and seeing similar situations popping up regularly.

This situation is MULTIPLE disasters waiting to happen, check that, WILL happen eventually and LW does need to get the hell out of there NOW.

But this is crucial - SEE AN ATTORNEY FIRST! AND FAST! You're probably going to need a good one for the long haul LW because you're going to need all the legal protection you can get when this 13 YO starts making up more wild tails about you to CPS and the police.

DON'T TALK TO CPS ABOUT ANY OF THIS BEFORE YOU TALK TO AN ATTORNEY FIRST!

And I wish you the best LW. You didn't deserve this.

Don't kiss him in front of her? Scream at you for "waking her up improperly"? Jesus, red flag after red flag is going up. This girl isn't ruining your home, your husband is. I'm sorry but his behavior is beyond inappropriate. He's letting this girl completely dominate you and acting like your some kind of unwanted guest or interloper. It also sounds, as creepy as it may seem and I'm sorry to say, that he's well on the way to becoming romantic with her. You need to set that dude straight because it doesn't take a genius to deduce that this situation is well on its way to a freaking catastrophe. Holy Christ, how could anyone with half a brain think otherwise? Lady, you either have to get that guy's head on straight or get the hell out of there.