i hope the lw shows her husband all these letters. cary's advice is horrible. if the lw can't be partners with her husband and present a united front to the niece, and create a home where the adults are in charge and the child has limits and boundaries set, then there is no way the lw can save this child.

lw, you must confront your husband and get into counseling together. only if he's willing to get on board with including you as a full partner in this endeavor should you continue with providing a home for the niece.

if your husband won't do this, then you must, must, must end this marriage asap.

call a counselor. and if that doesn't get you anywhere with your husband, call a lawyer.

ConstantReader1000 said up above somewhere: 'I would give 500 to 1 odds that this girl has already seduced and initiated a sexual relationship with the writer's husband.'

'500 to 1' odds would mean there is a very low possibility of what you gave the odds against happening.

I think what you mean would be something like '1 to 10' odds or 'better than even money'.

Just getting my daily pendanticness out ;-)

Excellent suggestions by the posters. Sounds like a very serious problem to me.

Does the name Lolita ring a bell? I think they made a movie about this situation. Called Poison Ivy with Alicia Silverstone.

My sweet lady, you and your husband in all good intentions have allowed "hell on wheels" into your lives. I have 4 of my own children and one of them mirrored your niece. It is only a matter of time that you will wind up involved in social agencies and the courts, you and your husband will be accused of child abuse or child molestation or both. Even if you walk into the agencies seeking help -- the child will lie and they will believe her. The least of the trauma would be if you are accused of child neglect by not acting fast enough to get help. This child is a super-manipulator and could be capable of anything. If she is not responding to your positive advances and have set a wedge between you and your husband (sometimes men defend the little lolita that they may be attracted to or it could be worse). After having the family court RUIN my whole family and having had a nervous breakdown after expending thousands of dollars for lawyers to defend myself (the child is given a lawyer to fight you), I was able to take action. I found a boarding school or such children http://www.thefamilyschool.com. Both you and your husband can pat yourselves on the back for getting the quality help this child needs, while working your way back into a loving relationship in order to stand your ground. Blessings !

Cary's reply focused largely on compassion not only for the LW but also (and primarily) for the niece. While compassion is important, it's not going to help the LW navigate this situation. This girl needs some serious limit-setting, perhaps even MORE so because she has not had it in the past. It might be helpful for the LW and her husband to enter couples counseling with the goal of strengthening their own relationship as well as learning how best to deal with the niece. LW and her husband should be encouraged to kiss and do things on their own in order to communicate that their own relationship is important. If the niece is allowed to dictate this behavior, she's not being done any favors, and neither is anyone else.

First enlist husband's agreement that there are problems that need to be dealt with, focusing on the issues with niece's behavior if necessary. Then call around to a few couples counselors and briefly explain the situation, telling them that you want to strengthen your own relationship and also work on developing better parenting skills for the niece. Many couples counselors are experienced with this kind of work (children often contribute to relationship problems, so this is frequently a feature of the therapy). Good luck!!

There is much great advice here, especially from Nefariousmuse.

Cary Tennis? Not so much. His "advice" in this case was disturbingly naive and irresponsible. He completely overlooked the seductive relationship developing between the husband and niece. This is a disaster in the making. He essentially lays a guilt trip on the LW to accept the perverse situation going on in her home. This helps no one.

I don't read him regularly, but when I do I usually come away shaking my head. I've wondered more than once if his column is a parody of an advice column. It's pretty sad that it took around 100 people to correct/supplement the dangerously inadequate advice given by the paid advice columnist.

By the way, it's entirely possible for children to be destructive and without conscience and remorse. Some may be psychologically disturbed and can be helped; some will remain this way for their entire lives. Either way, professional help and advice is needed--they can't simply be loved out of it.

The girl sounds bipolar to me. If you were out of the picture and she had her uncle all to herself, she would soon be abusing him as well --- much to his surprise.

Rule number 1 is not allowing a sexually abused kid alone time with opposite sex. Hubby is very, very wrong. I second everyone saying LW needs to get out now. I also think that whether she leaves or not, there will be a false accusation. SHe needs the lawyer to deal with that.

She also needs to not be alone with the girl. I'm not into the "absolve 13 year olds of the evil they do", whether it be bullying at school or this stuff here. This child is overly empowered and quite capable of wrecking lives. Most sexual abuse victims do NOT act out like this; this is far more than acting out. LW needs to call the mother and have the mother initiate action. The mother can call CPS or any number of things, with authority. LW has none. The grandmother also needs to intervent, or some other blood family member. LW can NOT save this child.

If LW calls CPS, I guarantee there will be a false report. I also guarantee that rhe social worker will dismiss LW's report as a divorce gone vengeful. LW will wind up cleared of the false report but will be traumatized.

Leave. Get out. Let her be. You can not win here. After you are out and safely away, school counselors or social workers can intervene. Or (I know it sounds harsh) after her first arrest you can help. But she is driving this train.

Yes, I do know of children who made up false accusations out of whole cloth and were NOT abused. They were mentally ill.