CT gave the worst advice, ever-this girl has already assumed control over your husband, and your marriage is dead.

Get out while you can, without legal shit coming down over your head..because if this girl (Lolita is the name) has a mean streak (which she does) she will accuse you of doing something to get the authorities into the act, and someone will end up in jail. The authorities will side with her, and you will have nothing but trouble from this entire situation.

No way are you going to reclaim your marriage-it's over. Your husband has already made his choice. It's not you. You have every right to move out of the house and take everything you own.

Because when it comes to light, the child molestation charges your husband will face when she rats him out will destroy his life-don't let it take you down as well. They might not be true, but that doesn't mean it won't happen. 13 year olds are not known for their emotional maturity.

This is a very brutal letter, but there are some children that once they've been abused, will destroy everyone around them-and I think she's one.

Save yourself first. Everyone else can wait.

And yes, the LW got herself into it in a way, or didn't anyone notice? In her letter she said, "One of them had a 13-year-old daughter from a one-night stand. I suggested to my husband that he get to know her."

Maybe that is what is sticking in her craw is that she inadvertently set events in motion.

I have no personal experience in fostering troubled relatives, but I have had many friends that have, and I will point out my own small statistic. ALL the couples who sent troubled relatives away, whether it was back to where they came from, or into the foster care system, ended up getting divorced. ALL of them. Even if there was agreement on the deal. Of the couples who toughed it out, only one ended up divorcing, and actually it was ten years after the kid was on their own.

I'm disappointed in Carey's answer, because I think he only half-answered the question, but I think he made a very good point. All the rationalization in the world is total BS if you ditch a child, and a teenager is a child, strictly for your own good.

This girl was not dumped on their doorstep. The LW admits that she encouraged her husband to get to know her, and the husband then took her in. Now the LW at least, cannot handle it, admittedly for good reason. I think she knows that leaving this girl alone with her husband will be a disaster in the making.

It would help if the LW and her husband are officially fostering this child. If so, the city or state would subsidize counseling for the whole family. It is obvious that it is needed.

However, the marriage is also in trouble and I think that needs to be addressed first. The LW should try to get the husband to couples counseling to hash out these issues. The husband's lack of trust in the LW in that he does not believe her denials of the girl's accusations is a crucial issue. His doubt as to the LW's honesty is something that might come up again, niece or no niece. Also, the husband might think he is protecting this girl, but he's carrying it waaaay too far.

I think the LW wants to do the right thing, although now she is seething with resentment. As another poster said, she needs to stop being a "suspect" in her own home, but, again, this is something she and her husband need to hash out. Once they shine a light on their issues with each other, it might be easier to deal with the niece.

Good luck, LW, whatever you decide to do.

LW, if you read any of this, read Allie's two posts. They are the gospel. Of course, everyone sees the incest angle; how could an American not, what with the pornification of our culture? You are the best person to evaluate that. Just because a bunch of people read something on the internet and think it is so doesn't mean anything. What do you think is happening? What does your husband say about it? That is what is important. On the other hand, DO talk to that lawyer. Maybe even one for you and your husband and another just for you.

To all those posters whose advice was just "Leave him": What's wrong with a little conversation before the divorce? Always with the worst case planning...Reality is usually somewhere between those extremes.

First, the marriage contract requires a joint decision; one that should have been made in the introduction of the child into the home. In making that decision, other decisions were necessary--ground rules for the child, how the child is expected to be a member of the family, how the marriage is going to be changed by the new dynamic, etc...

That ship has sailed. Either the necessary conversations didn't occur or the content was insufficient.

The second point goes to the relationship between the uncle and niece. It is highly questionable, on the basis of the reported facts. It is NOT normal behavior to allow a child to rule the adults' behaviors. It is also NOT normal for an uncle to act couple-like with his niece, or any other child. She is indeed a child, albeit clearly a manipulative one. Manipulation is learned behavior. It also requires capitulation on the part of the manipulated.

Clearly, some behavior modification is necessary here--for all concerned. It doesn't sound like anyone is acting like a mature adult in this situation. If she is not an equal partner in the marriage, then perhaps it's time to leave. The child clearly needs help...from professionals, not just someone who feels guilt-ridden (thanks CT for that truckload you dumped in your advice) and honor-bound to help her.

Honestly, it sounds to me like the letter writer needs to recognize what boundaries are acceptable in her own life and enforce them.

Parenting is a skill. It is a learned skill and children do not come with instructions. Seek assistance in learning the skills to be a good parent and recognize that no one is perfect and the perfect parent does not exist.

Frankly, it sounds to me like the letter writer is going to have to be parent to both the uncle and the niece, if she chooses to stay...at least in the near term.