rayinkorea writes:

Soon, she'll have a boyfriend, and you'll have a whole new set of problems.

The problem is, it sounds to me like she's already got a boyfriend -- and the LW is married to him.

I'm not saying that they're having sex (although it's certainly possible). But the fact that they've become a couple and shut you out says it all, IMHO. She's seized on him as "her man," and he, probably flattered by the attention of a young girl who needs a "rescuer," is either fooling himself into thinking it means nothing, or is harboring mid-life crisis feelings of his own (about how nice it would be to be a teenager again, this time with the clarity that comes with hindsight, and be involved with girls like her).

My fear is that, sooner or later, one of them is going to do something about it. It may not be your husband; she may make advances on him and he may "do the right thing" and refuse. But she has a track record of accusing adults of molesting her, and whether he becomes sexually involved with her or refuses to do so when she might want it, it would be no surprise to me if she does so again.

And, you know what? In doing so, she might also involve you in her accusations -- that the two of you were keeping her in a condition of sexual servitude, or that you knew she was being abused by your husband and went along with it. You could find your life destroyed -- and I don't mean in terms of marital breakdown, which seems to have happened already, but in terms of jail time, financial ruin, and a lifetime criminal record as a sex offender -- just as much as your husband.

My advice? Give your husband one last "me or her" ultimatum. Point out, as best you can, what you see happening here. If he picks you, insist that you immediately get involved with therapy, social services, etc., to get this situation back on track. If he picks her, pack your bags and walk out without looking back. Maybe, someday, he'll see clearly what's happening and attempt to make amends. But maybe not. And, in the meantime, you're protecting yourself against becoming much more of a victim in this madness.

Some other posters have said, and I want to agree, that the next thing that will happen is the child will accuse you or your husband of sexually molesting her.

I think this point needs to be emphasized. Exactly that situation HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. Girls who are molested learn different rules of conduct and interaction. Do not let this girl get you or your husband arrested. Act to protect your interests now. I wish I could say, "Talk to the police, talk to the school, talk to a counselor," but all of those people are likely to be gullible and cause more problems than they solve. Try talking to a lawyer, at least a lawyer is paid to be on your side.

Yep, put a star next to that one!

Perfect.

LW, I was going to write you something, but just read the post before mine, from Allie, which says it much better than I could have.

I'm inclined to think that the husband may be bonding in this obviously unhealthy way with his niece due to his own grief over losing two brothers in six years. Here's someone extremely vulnerable, who desperately needs him and tells him that "he's the only one that's ever been there for her." Here's someone, finally, he can help save.

But, no one will be helping this kid at all unless there are firm boundaries, rules and consequences. No more lying. No more false accusations. No more telling adults what they are and are not allowed to do in their own house! The niece is playing a game of what-can-I-get-away-with, which is simply the way children test for limits. Parents/caregivers, in turn, show they care by setting limits -- not by upending their own relationship!

The adults need to act like adults and be in charge. And, yes, there needs to be a united front. The kind of relationship the letter writer and her husband model for this child will be the single most important lesson they impart to her, for good or ill. So far, it's looking pretty dismal. A lot hinges on whether hubby is willing to do what's really in the best interests of the kid, rather than his ego. The emotional incest has got to go. And, amends to the wife are seriously in order.

Some kind of counseling/support is definitely vital for all involved, and some parenting courses wouldn't hurt, either. Parenting is difficult enough without all the crazy variables that have been thrown in here.

My heart goes out to the letter writer, who clearly is getting the raw end of the deal. Be strong, be caring -- but know when to walk away.

Cary's advice is off base because it only focus' only on how you can care for this child who has been brought into your home. The first thing you need to do is take care of yourself, your husband, and your relationship. You can't help this young girl if you don't have a stable relationship with your husband, and from the sounds of taking care of his brother's daughter is important enough to your husband that kicking her out isn't an option if you want to stay married.

I will echo the recommendation to get a counselor for you and your husband to help you work through some of these issues. Your husband needs to understand how hurtful his decision to bring this child into your home without consulting you first and his abusive treatment of you is absolutely unacceptable and must stop NOW. He also needs to be willing to trust you, spend time with you, and support you in your parenting decisions for this child.

My parents took in foster kids with severe disturbances like this girl and I am also actively involved with some of my friends who currently foster children with extreme emotional disturbances. So please take this advice as someone who has seen how these children behave and is familiar with the approach you and your husband will have to take in order to protect yourselves and give the opportunity to help this girl. Parenting a child who has suffered from major loss, abuse, chaotic home life, and/or any other kind of trauma is different than parenting a normal child.

I assume because you don't mention how this girl and situation has effected your child(ren) that you and your husband don't have any. Getting thrust into parenting unexpectedly is difficult for anyone even when there isn't behavioural problems to deal with. Contact your local social/child services about what kind of classes and supports are available. If your husband truly wants to help his niece he needs to understand that undermining you authority is counterproductive. Take the opportunity to read up on parenting children with behavioural problems including Reactive Attachment Disorder (which I doubt she has but still provides useful info and skills).

The third thing to do is Cover Your Ass. Journal every single thing, every lie, every threat, every time she is rude. Write it in a journal with fixed pages in ink and date every single entry. Never remove a page or obscure what you wrote, if there is an error or something you dislike cross it out, initial and date. Your husband needs to do this too. The purpose of this is that if any accusations are made you have a permanent record of behaviour in the past to help support you so that it isn’t her word against yours. Your husband needs to take extra precautions against accusations of sexual abuse (see commentary in these letters an example of why). Spending any time alone with his niece is an extremely risky choice. The mere accusation of sexual abuse can destroy a life and a career. Your husband should seriously consider whether, if today she were to accuse him, he could prove his innocence.

I hope that you and your husband can reconcile the problems this has created in your relationship and help this young lady by providing a stable home.