I don't want to see this girl thrown on the trash heap of humanity after what she's already been through, either, but Cary loses sight of how poisonous and malicious children can be--even, and especially, children who have been terribly hurt.

I think the husband needs an ultimatum--start acting like an adult and see the niece's manipulation for what it is or the LW leaves. And even at that, I wouldn't feel safe with that kid in my house. If it were me, I'd be looking into residential programs where she can get the attention she needs without being able to hurt anyone else.

OK..Its your fault. How in the world are you going to allow a 13 year old child to run over YOU in YOUR house. Until she starts paying all the bills, you run that house. Period. OK, saying that, let me began. You strarted out wrong, but that doesnt mean that you should keep it that way. Let the child know that you pay the cost to be the boss around there and if she doesnt like it that it wil be her that will get to steppin..Put your foot down, demand respect. Since your husband is not defending you, you have to do it yourself. Little Miss Niecey Poo, wont like it at first. She will throw tantrums and act out. Ride it out and stick to your guns. Dont do a lot of explaining , just do it. You wont regret it. Take your house back. You arent doing her any favors by letting her act in the manner that she is acting. The real world will tear her a brand new butt hole, cause they arent gonna put up with it...It good to be good to people but, God never asks you to be a fool.

My husband and I were foster parents to a girl who had been sexually abused by her father. She wasn't a picnic to be around and acted out in ways which are typical of abuse victims; she lied, she stole, she made up wild stories, she disappeared and then returned with demands that we rescue her from horrible situations she had gotten herself into; she tried to seduce our adult friends and got upset when she didn't succeed; she tried to break us up, then freaked out at the idea that we might break up.

Yeah, that's how it goes.

She turned out okay though.

I'm sorry you're in this situation without agreeing to it on the front end. That's not fair to you, and not workable, since when things are really really bad, it's necessary to be able to tell yourself, hey, I knew this would get bad when I signed up for it.

I'm going to give you some practical advice: don't get drawn into the drama. It's very easy to let her set the rules, but you don't have to. You are the adult and this is your life.

STOP going to your room. It is your house. You say, "I'm sorry you don't like me; you have your own room if you need some space."

STOP not kissing in front of her. You and your husband need to have a talk about this and he needs to be on the same page with you. You say, "I'm sorry it bothers you, but we are married and this is our marriage, not yours."

STOP letting her drive a wedge in between you. Talk to your husband. Show him this letter. What does he want? I assume what he wants is to give this girl the feeling that there is one person in the world who will be on her side. That's laudable. But he can't be on her side and be her boyfriend. Right now, he's acting like her boyfriend, not her parent. She needs a parent. She needs boundaries. His conduct is inappropriate and most outsiders looking at it would think he is a child molester. That's not a good thing. If she does turn on you both and accuse you, it's going to be very hard to stand up for your husband when he has done everything possible to make himself look bad. And trust me, she will do this.

Okay, can I talk to you for a moment? I hear you when you say you want her out of your house. You have the right to want that. She's not your child, and she has no claim on you. But is it possible that you can sign on for this wholeheartedly, that you can decide to take care of her and help her? That would be a great thing.

Because she really is miserable. Happy people don't act like this. Maybe she really was molested. It's not unlikely - it happens to one quarter of all girls. That she tells crazy lies about nine people doesn't mean there's not truth behind the lies. The crazy lies are a shorthand for "This hurts more than I can make you understand." Maybe she wasn't molested. Maybe it's the pain of living with a horrible irresponsible mother and a succession of boyfriends in a nightmare of no security and then losing her dad that's doing it. Either way there is real pain there.

Right now she's like a drowning victim. She wants to be saved so much that she's thrashing around and anyone who would save her can't get to her. She has to stop thrashing. That means she has to feel safe. She can't feel safe when some woman is going to kick her out of the first place where she's found a sympathetic ear. I know she's living in your house, but have you thought that your house is her home? No? Then where exactly IS her home?

We - my husband and I - had a moment that was a breakthrough with our daughter. She had done something pretty bad and was crying about it, and she said we must hate her now and she would understand if we kicked her out. He put his arm around her and said, "We aren't going to kick you out. We love you, and you can't be so bad that we will stop loving you. We aren't going to let you run over us, but you will always have a home here. We're not going to let you drive us away."

It wasn't a miracle, there were bad moments after that one, but that was the turning point, the point where she stopped TRYING to be bad, to see how much we would take.

I would be really, really happy if someone could say the same to this kid. Every kid on earth deserves a real home.

Before that even becomes a possibility, though, you and your husband have to get on the same page. Husband, if your wife shows you this letter: shape up! You are married to your WIFE. Your niece is a CHILD. Children can't set their own rules. It doesn't even make them happy in the long run if you let them set their own rules.

LW: Take back your house first. I hope that means you can take back your marriage, too. Then I really hope you can reach out, from a position of strength, to help this girl.