And drop a dime to CPS on your way out the door. There is something really, really wrong with what is happening under your roof. Do not make yourself and accessory or an accomplice to what seems quite clearly to be a crime in progress.

no matter what happens, it's going to hurt. I wish there was some advice any of us could give that would make it hurt a little bit less. I think the number one thing the letter writer and her husband needs is space. The two of you need space away from this child to understand where you the two of you are with the relation to each other. If you stay, you need ongoing support from social services and a couples counselor and whatever resources are out there because you are going to need them.

we can't tell how this girl will turn out without you, or with you in conflict with your husband or in concert. my life story says she will do much better with two adults in her life than a single overwhelmed one.

Letter writer, best of luck no matter what you do.

Your idealism is admirable, but too often it blinds you to how really manipulative and cruel people can be. How is LW going to save this girl if she can't even save herself. How can she reason with people who aren't reasonable and have nothing to gain by being rational? And why the hell _should_ she try to save someone who is destroying her life? You really missed the signs of inappropriate behavior going on here, and that kind of blind spot is bad news for those you advise. I don't know what to advise you do to do on the latter score, but you really need to read up more on abusive-family dynamics or something. Maybe others here can recommend a crash course, because advice like what you gave can result in tragic results.

And worse, get the hell out of there ASAP. There is nothing but tragedy awaiting this journey.

I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that the husband is molesting the child but he sure doesn't have a clue as to what he is doing. Certainly the child is highly manipulative and abusive her self, malicious even. However she's a child - that's her get out clause. Its up to the Husband and Wife in concert with professionals to parent her, however hubby is not letting that happen.

For sure Hubby is going to end up accused of sexual abuse by the girl - whether its true or not. And it will be ugly.

LW, get the hell out of there and slam the door - break off all contact.

It has been months since I read one of Tennis' advice columns. I have stopped reading them because Tennis routinely ignores the question that is being asked, in favor of addressing what he sees as the underlying, or unstated, question.

And usually, he gets it totally wrong.

In this particular case, not only is he wrong to fail to answer the actual question that was asked, he gives a terrible, and probably disastrous, answer to the question that he perceives.

Some advice for you, Cary Tennis: Answer the questions that are asked. First and foremost, answer the damn question!

If you feel you must peer into your crystal ball and mystically see "the true question," do so after you have addressed the situation at hand.

Sometimes you may actually be right. Sometimes answering the unasked question may save a life, or at least turn a life around.

But good god man, this was a disaster. There is a much greater chance of entangling this woman in a criminal situation than there is of your advice leading to a pleasant resolution.

It really makes me cringe to think how desperate people have to be that they would think writing to you could possibly make their situation any better.

This is obviously a problematic situation but it seems like people are accepting the letter-writer's version of events very uncritically. It is possible that she resents this new intrusion into her life and that is distorting the way she views events. The husband just lost not one but two brothers; for all we know, this is the only child either of them ever had. We do not know whether he has any children of his own. It is possible that all that is going on here is inexperienced parenting mixed with the desperate desire not to drive away the only remaining connection he has to either of his brothers.

Cary's advice brought a tear to my eye. It may be true that you are blessed with an opportunity to help a desperate girl. But your husband needs to rearrange his priorities if you're going to make it work.

We are foster parents to a 16-year-old boy who got kicked out of an institution a year ago and came to us with no place else to go. My wife was more resistant to the idea than I was ( I come from a family of ministers, where the idea of foster parenthood is less alien than it was for my wife.) I also raised two of my own kids. My wife has no kids of her own.

Our foster son listens to me more than he does to my wife, and I'm better at disciplining - setting limits and goals, rights and responsibilities, and yes, even waking him up for school. Still, I make a huge effort to discuss everything with my wife. Even when I make the final decision, I always take her feelings into account. And I never contradict her in front of the kid. I know that I could never do this without her support.

Cary is right, our foster son will owe his life to us. I will not abandon him. But I will not abandon my wife either. You need to do this together, with love and laughter, as a family, or not at all. Good luck, LW, and God bless you.