a few quick notes:

- does the LW exaggerate? Maybe, probably. She seems, as an adult, to slide into the victim role a little easily. Still, there's clearly a serious problem here.

- CT's advice is so far off as to be borderline criminally negligent. (in truth, I wonder if Salon is in a legally exposed position as well. I don't think those "...does not reflect the views of management" disclaimers really count for much when, legally, push comes to shove.)

- my personal hunch is that there has been no molestation, but from what has been described that may almost be beside the point, since this reads as a textbook description of a "sexualized" relationship-- the relative ages, the intimacies, the territorialism, all of it.

- why the focus on the girl accusing the HUSBAND of molestation? It seems to me likely that the girl would first accuse the LW.

- relationship ultimatums ("If you don't X, then I'm gonna Y...") are a dumb idea, always. Avoid them here. If what the LW writes is accurate, what makes her think the husband won't communicate that to the kid?

My observation will certainly echo the sense of tragic inevitiblity in so many other postings, but here it is:

In a perfect world, yes: you'd stay, and help the child.

In this world, however, the very laws designed to protect minors can (and often are) manipulated to damage adults-- and usually do most harm to those adults closest to the child who's doing the damaging. While selfish-sounding, the "save yourself first" posters are, in this case, correct.

So leave. at least for a while. Ask the Husband to meet, outside of the home, and explain to him why you left. Explain that you hope it won't be permanent, but that immediate, significant change must occur before you return.

And follow the legal advice that's been offered in other posts. And ignore CT's advice.

The position you're in sucks. I'm sorry. Good luck.

I wish I'd never come back to Salon and read this Post.

Dear LW,

Please get help. For yourself. You wrote this very calm factual letter about an untenable nightmare of a situation, and that says one thing to me. It says you're used to abuse. You 'deal' with your situation like someone who has had to deal in the past. Please find a therapist. Tell them about yourself and then this situation you're in. Things aren't going to get better. In fact, even if you do get help it looks like you're in for some really tough times. Eventually it will be better, just remember that.

LW, I don't think you can help this girl. Someone else may be able to soothe her back to humanity, but that person isn't you. I think you have other problems. Could you do me this one favor tonight? Could you google 'boundaries'? Just start reading there.

I will have you in my thoughts tonight.

I have never written before, but your advice was so wrong I feel compelled to say something.

First, the bitch needs discipline. She cannot be allowed to get away with ordering adults around, or being disrespectful to them.

Second, you ignored the fact that the real problem is her husband. She needs to lay down the law with him first, then with the brat. He needs to understand that he must back up his wife's authority.

Third, she is not an innocent child; she is clearly a horrible bitch who need discipline, discipline, and more discipline. I can't believe the namby-pamby tone of your reply to the poor abused wife where you essentially asked her to roll over and take the outrageous abuse of both the husband and this brat. Basically, you are willing to let her life be ruined to "save" the brat. Did you not notice that she is planning to divorce her husband over this? Isn't her health and happiness more important than the piece of trash that is living with her without her permission??? Her life comes first. She should help others, including the brat, only if she can do so without harming your life. You sound like a Catholic priest telling an abused wife she shouldn't leave because she'll get her reward in heaven. What a crock. The life of the 13 year old scumbag is NOT more important than her life.

I'm glad to see that most people here have their heads on straight! I don't care to repeat anything, so I'm just going to say a quick something in defense of immediately judging the girl.

Regardless, LW, she is NOT your responsibility, nor are you the person to help her. The girl has far too much animosity towards you. If you want, you can find someone else who is able to step in. Also, as someone who has experienced close ones with personality disorders, I advise EXTREME caution.

That out of the way, I want to repeat that the girl is THIRTEEN. Barely out of elementary school. I'd be surprised if she has had her period, let alone is fully developed. If she, in fact, has been or is being molested (very likely considering her behavior), it is NOT her fault and it has got to be incredibly mind-warping.

In this case, her anger at the LW is much more understandable. If a man were taking advantage of me at that young age, I probably would misdirect my anger towards the LW as well. I would be very angry if my molester were kissing another woman in front of me, hurt and upset with the sham of it all. Who knows- maybe she thinks the LW is aware of it, or the LW reminds her of someone who permitted an earlier molestation. Probably not, but we don't know! The girl, as bitchy and horrible and dangerous as she may be, is a young child and a victim.

I'm certainly not saying that the girl isn't toxic, or that I'd want her around. I think the LW should get the hell out, and take the precautions so many other letters advised. Just... it would be ethical to have more acknowledgment that this girl is also a victim, and needs some serious help herself. Lolita was a victim, too.