...and the editors or Cary should send them to LW immediately, as others here have advocated. Honestly, this poor woman's plight makes me furious--and it's even more angering that she has gotten such terrible original advice, especially when you consider she probably had to sneak her email out or use the net at the library or worse. Cary, you either should confine yourself to advising the kinda lovelorn and/or artistically-blocked...or you need to share this column with someone trained to handle major-league problems like this one.

The title says it all. This is too absurd to be true and so I suspect that you are exaggerating. If it's accurate, then you need to be very concerned. They are both moving towards an inappropriate child-adult relationship and you need to intervene before your husband commits something along the lines of molestation (or at least he ends up being accused of it).

I'm willing to bet it's not the LW or her bozo husband.

It's probably the mother, wherever she is.

Kid needs to go back to her custodial guardian and her caseworker (she definitely has one) needs to be informed of what's been happening. Basically the kid is a runaway at this point.

I ask what is wrong with the LW that she lets her own home be taken over by a runaway 13 year old.

And Cary advises her to be an even bigger doormat? God!

As for the is-the-uncle-doing-her angle--two names: Woody Allen (doing his own daughter)and Mia Farrow (never suspected a thing).

A few here have voiced concerns that the suddenly discovered niece may not be a relative at all but some kid the husband got hold of somewhere, he has been sleeping with her all along and now has moved her into the house. Given the LW's extreme passivity I can see this as a possible. Wake up, people, human nature is very depraved sometimes.

Let's face it, the LW appears not to know for sure who this kid is. She appears suddenly after the brothers' deaths--the LW makes it clear they didn't know about her beforehand. I'd be very suspicious.

At first I was a bit torn. Allie's letter early on offered great advice for how a stable family would help to save this child.

On the other hand, nefariousmuse (p. 9) gave voice to lessons learned from great legal experience within the system and said "Get gone!" -- with excellent advice on how to do it.

Advocatus took a good middle way. (p. 14)

Ric offered insight from a narrative perspective that is worth rereading (p. 17)

As a former Court-Appointed Special Advocate for childrn, I foung myself asking, what would I do if I walked into a home like this one to get to know this child (do drop the Lolita crap people!) and to help her.

As a CASA, I would have talked to the girl (only 13!) and the husband and the LW and hoped for truthful responses. I would like to think that immediately my attention would be riveted upon the husband's attention to his niece. It is NOT normal.

I have done a great deal of research on child sexual abuse and on molesters -- especially family molesters. These molesters typically behave in one of two ways (or both).

First, there is the molester who infantilizes himself in order to seem younger and an age mate to the person to whom he is attracted. He can behavior in immature ways. He will "play" on the child's level. He will not behave like an adult, taking on an adult's responsibility and authority. He becomes a real pleaser for his target. The child he has chosen will begin calling the shots, thing that he/she is now empowered. This sort of behavior would work great on an angry teenage girl. What is not to like about getting one's way?

Second, there is the molester who behaves as if his target is older. He minimizes the youth of the target in order to mitigate his guilt. He will behave as if the target is old enough to be complicit in an "adult" sexual relationship. Girls can become as "wives."

Looking at this situation, I see that the husband is doing both. He most probably either has alread molested the girl or else he intends to do so.

Here's the question for the LW: Why on earth would you want to be married to someone like this? He is an adult. He is responsible for his own choices. From the beginning, he was responsible for setting boundaries with his niece. Instead, he has betrayed your authority in your own home by not doing so.

How to be more certain? Once you are in a safe place -- that is to say away from your home and not alone with your husband in case he should become enraged, demand that he become your partner again in setting boundaries with his niece. If he refuses. That is a red flag.

Seoond, when is the last time that he touched YOU sexually. Is he still your sexual partner? If he is not, that is a HUGE red flag. Chances are, he has moved on to her.

In that instance, you absolutely must follow every detail of nefariousmuse's advice. Your safety may depend upon it.

Because I suspect that you may be in denial -- you want to blame the niece for everything -- I doubt you will take the advice to leave. But you must journal and you must keep your journaling private from the niece and your husband. Here is how to do it.

1. You get yourself a P.O. Box.

2. You write every single day in your own handwriting, dating each entry.

3. You try to keep emotion out of your entries. You simply stick with the facts. Who said what. Who did what.

4. Each day you send that letter to yourself at the P.O. Box. (If you husband is guilty, you can count on him snooping.)

5. You engage an attorney. At the end of each week, you go to the P.O. Box and gather up all the journaling letters you have addressed yourself and you take them to an attorney with instructions that -- in the event of your death or if you go missing -- he is to send them to the police.

My other sad bit of advice is that if the worst happens, you are a WITNESS. You may need to get away from your husband and not let him know where you are. Molesters have been known to kill to keep their behavior from being known. No it doesn't happen often, but it does happen often enough that, given your husband's disrespect for you, it is better to err on the side of caution.

Reread ric's letter on p. 17. He talks about tracing molestation back in his family. Yes, there are pedophile families. Amazingly, a woman who has been abuse will often choose to marry unwittingly into a pedophile family.

What is your own history?

It is worth thinking about. Why do you put up with a man who offers you so little respect?

If you are smart, you will leave and write a letter to your husband that reads. "Sorry, but given the situation, I must take some time. I will be in touch."

Don't let him know where you are if you can help it. Don't be accusatory. This tactic will give you some leeway and buy you some time to think about your next step.