...to me, the biggest alarm bell going off is the combination of the uncle and niece "acting like a couple" (to the extent of shutting out the uncle's wife) and the niece's past allegations of sexual abuse. God help them both, but it wouldn't be terribly surprising if there were another, seedier (to put it mildly) aspect of the uncle-niece relationship. Even if there isn't, the uncle's behavior in this situation is ten kinds of inappropriate and immature.

I also don't think it's the wife's job to "save this young woman's life". Sure, if she's an absolute saint, it's the altruistic thing to do, but so is selling all your possessions and giving the money to the poor. The niece was dumped into her life, the uncle and niece acted together to make her life utterly miserable, and SHE has to repay their betrayal with massive self-sacrifice? Not seeing it.

Great posts from Nebraskagrrrl and Farnsworth.

It's a noble and brilliant idea to 'save' someone - but it's not always possible, and it's not always advisable.

Right now these two are not helping this girl. It doesn't help her in any way to see that she can 'edge out' a wife. It just reinforces her dysfunctional ideas about relationships and home life. If the LW and her husband can't sort this out between them then they ought to retire from the fray before the collateral damage from this girls life spreads out to include them.

Whatever happens I agree with Cary about the urgency of this situation and that the girl and her carers need help and assistance. Others have gone through this or are goign through this - I admire you, Nebraskagrrrl - and a lot of wisdom has been accumulated. Good luck.

Another poster said: "If it were me, I would pack my things and leave. "

Me too. And also, as another poster said, the problem is not the child it's the husband. He is woefully unaware of what the situation requires (a united front) and (in my sad experience) he won't listen if it's the wife who is trying to tell him they need a united front. He will tell himself it's just his wife's fault for not being loving and patient enough.

After she's gone and he has to deal with the situation, THEN he may turn to an expert or someone whose judgment he values (obviously not his wife) in desperation and believe the expert or other person...but, in my sad experience, he isn't going to listen to this wife about it.

I say cut your losses. Maybe later on the husband will get a clue, consult an expert, listen to someone else who knows what they're doing, and see that he's been handling the situation wrong. Maybe later on the husband will realize he was wrong and apologize to the wife. But in my sad experience she can be a saint and her husband *never* value her sainthood he can always go on thinking she's not being loving and patient enough because he doesn't know. Can you tell I've had a bad experience with something like this! I did have a bit of a similar experience and I was a *saint.* No one ever knew what a saint I was except the daughter who wrote me a nice letter years later. The guy? He didn't give a **** if I was a saint. He was too clueless to know the contribution I made. I was so out of there and yes I'm bitter.

If the letter-writer has given a completely accurate account of this highly charged situation, then I would say that Cary's advice is very interesting but it is entirely about Topic B, the niece. Topic A is the marriage and it is a shambles and pretty much the whole issue for the letter-writer is a husband who has essentially already left her. There must be emergency treatment of a wholly dysfunctional if not expired marital relationship. In addressing Topic A, almost everything about Topic B is irrelevant other than to focus on why the husband prefers his niece to his wife and believes his niece instead of his wife.

These two people can't do anything to save the niece if they are not a couple at all, and it is presumptuous and even dangerous to try to fix other people when they need so much fixing themselves.

Talk to your husband about this. If he isn't receptive or seems unfeeling, then leave.

Almost all children who are molested, especailly little girls, act out sexually, long years sometimes after she is grown and away from it all. She is controlling hubby now. If she does not get her way, she will accuse the husband and all hell will break loose. As LW is describing the husband, this may already be happening. And the wife MUST! MUST! consider that the husband and child may already be sexually involved.Sadly, this is a classic situation that happens all too often.

The child has sexualised the husband. This is obvious to me if not to Carey. The fact that the husband is already blaming the wife for "interference" is classic molester country. Then get the child and her accusations go over to Child Protective Services or get ready to deal with what will come next.The child needs more help than this family can give her. Her actions show she has already rejected the wife and sexualised the husband. Chikdren who have been molested learn manipulation skills very well, how to lie and accuse. The wife needs to save her own life NOW! Or she may be seeing her hubby being hauled off in handcuffs one day. Get professional help.

First, I am a little concerned about Cary's assumption that ". . . it would be rare for a young woman to make such allegations [of sexual abuse] out of whole cloth." Such things are simply not as rare as Cary assumes, especially in the case of an adolescent whose life has been disrupted to this extent. Perhaps the LW does not know anything about the child's past, but important details (such as, was she living with her mother, or her father, or one and then the other, and for how long with each) are left out of the letter.

The child certainly needs an advocate, but I don't believe that the LW is the appropriate person to fill that role. Based on her husband's behavior, I doubt that he is the appropriate person, either. The girl should be in therapy with a specialist in adolescent disorders. I am not sure that Social Services is the best place to go for support; most social workers are desperately overworked, and have protocols they must follow that may limit their availability as counselors.

LW, if you don't have a good counselor (I don't necessarily say "therapist," because the word has highly negative connotations for many people), please seek one out. Ideally, you and your husband should seek counsel as a couple. But if he is unwilling to listen to you, or go with you to a counselor, I must agree with farnsworth and nebraskagrrl: you cannot take care of anyone, much less a deeply troubled 13-year old, all by yourself. You must take care of yourself first: If you are drained, you have nothing to give.

I have worked with troubled adolescents for the past five years, and based upon my experience, I am sorry to say that your husband's approach will almost certainly do more harm than good. This child needs stability and boundaries, but especially parents who present a common front. You cannot provide that by yourself. If your husband is unwilling to bring you into the situation as a full partner, you may need to withdraw--temporarily or permanently, as events dictate.

Cary, your advice was simply dreadful. I would like to save the world one child at a time, too; but without her husband's support, respect, and willingness to disengage from the child when necessary, the LW will remain at the mercy of a hurting child who will pull her new home apart with her pain and anger. The LW can do nothing about this on her own.

LW, do everything you can to get your family into counseling, with your husband's support. If you cannot, you MUST take care of yourself. Even if it seems selfish, it is the right thing to do. My prayers are with you.