What is this "Not allowed to interfere" crap? It is your home - your rules.

Okay, thirteen year olds are a pain in the neck, but point out to her that if she finds it that bad she can just go home. The harsh reality of this is that you don't "have" to look after her, and if she wants a battle of wills she is going to lose because ultimately you have the authority.

Also, point out to her that having the hots for her uncle is just damned creepy.

You said it in your letter:

I believe we probably will get a divorce anyway for the verbal abuse and the way he's forgotten about our marriage.

This is YOUR most important concern. How can you provide a stable home for this girl if you yourself don't feel stable in your marriage?

Work this out with your husband, and possibly a counselor. If this fails, leave.

but Nefariousmuse's advice was correct.

Sorry, Cary. I've often wondered if you shouldn't stick to the angst ridden artistes and other people who "suffer" from what, let's face it, really amount to non-problems. Please give them compassionate pats on the head.

Whenever anything real is at stake, your advice is baffingly naive and wrong, often in a very quantifiable sense. This LW could easily spend the remaining years of her life in prison if she stays in the house with a malicious teenager who falsely accuses adults of abusing her. Juries are irrational, and it only takes one conviction. Her husband is in even greater danger (if he isn't in fact guilty).

Everything we have learned about psychology and social science over the last half century tells us unequivocally that this teenager and her aunt need to part ways NOW for both their sakes. Cary, does an editor even read your advice before it gets online?

After that, everything Nefariousmuse said. Please please, LW, leave today. The girl needs help but you are not in a position to give it, not least because your husband already takes her side against you. Get out.

Someone certainly needs to help this kid, because she is still a child, and one in a precarious stage of development. It's make-or-break time right now.

The problem is that this someone isn't the LW or her husband. It's the sort of situation where mishandling it is worse than not handling it at all, and they have already mishandled it. This girl is running that household, and no child should ever be running a household. Even a sane, stable 13-year-old needs a firm, loving hand at the helm. It's hormonal hell for them, even under the best of circumstances, and this is not the best of circumstances.

The LW should get out, not to abandon the child, but to protect herself from any other form of escalation--which will happen. Her home is a powder keg.

Take everything you value, especially everything living, because everything you leave behind has a high probability of being destroyed.

I say this as a throwaway kid, the difficult kid that nobody wanted, because to a kid in that situation needs more stability than the LW and her husband can provide. Far more. She may not get it, but you know what? That's life. We don't always get what we need, much less what we want, but right now, the LW leaving is as good as it gets, because it's no worse than the LW staying, and might be better.

Which kind of reminds me, where did we get the idea that our life belongs to us? Where did we get the idea that we're owed gratitude? Or anything else for that matter? Where did we get the idea that we're entitled to our dream life, whatever that might be?

We're not.

The LW isn't responsible for her niece's behavior, but she is responsible for her own, and I'm wondering what motivated her to start this particular ball rolling. If it wasn't raw altruism, then she needs counseling, too. Saving the girl, even with the best possible outcome, was never going to get her any real rewards.

In other words, she bit off far more than she could chew, and she owes it to herself to find out why.

I rented a house to a couple who had just taken in their 10 yo grandson who had "problems". Both of them were highly educated and used to using resources for making a difference in the world. Two years later I see the wife for the first time since they had moved in. I didn't even recognize her at first, she looked like she had aged 20 years. Grandson was already gone, I didn't ask where or how, but I could tell they had been through a horrible ordeal. Sometimes things are beyond our abilities to deal with them and with both your husband and his niece working against you I don't think you have a snowballs chance of coming out of this intact if you stay. My best to you, I know it is not easy to say something is too much for you, but for your own sake, know your limits.

I am sorry Cary, but the husband is very unreasonable, and not acting in the best interest of the child, in fact he seems to be acting strangely towards his wife. I see no reason she should put up with this at all. Her husband is undermining their relationship, and without a stable relationship with her husband, they cannot help the child. Children are hard to raise when parents have a great relationship with each other and a stable home. His behavior is actually solidifying the girls poor behavior. And you know what it is weird. While I read her story it felt creepy, like something is going on between the husband and his niece. It is time for an ultimatum, she should tell her worthless husband that they either work together and get the child real help, or it is time for a divorce.

I'm a lawyer who works with juveniles in the dependency system. I do it for about 1/5 of what I could make in another field. I do it because I want to help children like this young girl. The situation now is as bad for the young girl as it is for you.

I can't give the letter writer legal advice, but I can give practical advice based on my years of experience and observation of exactly this type of situation:

1. If the situation continues as it is, eventually she will accuse you of abuse. If your husband takes your side, he will be accused of sexual abuse. It will not matter that you are innocent and that you will be eventually exonerated. The damage to your reputations will be done. Even in states where these matters are private, the word still gets out. Once the accusation is made, you are never the same.

I have no doubt of whether or not this will happen. It's only matter of when it will happen.

2. You may or may not be able to save your marriage, but if you give an ultimatum as your first course of action and she hears it, whatever your husband's response, you will be accused of something. If your husband sides with her, she'll probably accuse you of something severe to "seal the deal". If he sides with her, you'll both be accused of something. An ultimatum is exactly the wrong way to go here. Those who tell you to take this route have never seen the aftermath of this course of action.

Counseling for you and hubby will produce the same results. Why? Both are a threat to her, but not an immediate neutralization to what she's doing. You need to move much more swiftly and much more firmly or it will absolutely blow up in your face.

3. To protect your interests and the interests of your husband AND the girl, do this please: Pack your bags today. Take any living creatures you care about (i.e. pets) with you. You don't want to know what this girl might to to fluffy and spike when you are gone. (People often leave behind pets. The results are heartbreaking. I've never seen worse torture than a teenager who is pissed at the owner of said pet.)

Leave the house immediately after packing. Preferably do this when she is gone. If you cannot, do it when she's in the bathroom/asleep/otherwise not paying attention. You don't want her to see what you are doing and react.

After you and pets are safely away from her, call TWO lawyers. Do not wait even a day. Do it within an hour of leaving. Get a lawyer who is an expert in juvenile dependency and get another lawyer who is a divorce lawyer. Let the lawyer in juvenile dependency deal with child protective services. Let the divorce lawyer get the girl and your husband out of the house immediately! It's your house, they should be the ones out of it. (This may or may not happen, depends on the laws of your state).

Tell the lawyers everything- including the fact that there is a chance your husband might be sleeping with the girl. Because there's a good chance he is. (I'd bet my house on it.) The number of men who would sleep with a 13 year old is much higher than lay people think. Having seen this in the court system, everyone is always "shocked, shocked, shocked" that the guy did it. I see it so often, I'm no longer shocked. Given how far this girls manipulated him, he's one step away from impregnating her on purpose...which also happens much more frequently than people would think.

You will know very quickly where your husband stands. If he sticks up with her after you take this drastic measure, then you need to divorce him quickly. And you need a lawyer to protect your assets in the meantime. People can hide, destroy, damage things in a very short time.

4. Tell child protective services everything that is happened. When the girl gets a caseworker, make sure that the caseworker knows exactly what has happened. (If she has a caseworker now, the caseworker needs to know this).

For the girl's own welfare, she needs both therapy and to be in a household where there are no adult men who will be with her in an unsupervised fashion. She will either be abused again or she will use the accusation of abuse as a weapon. Neither of which is conducive to her healing and moving on.

...

My guess is that she's been abused at some point. The fact that your husband is treating her like he is makes me wonder if it wasn't someone within your husband's family. I would do a very thorough search of your husband's male family members. Often these things actually do run in families. If that is indeed the case, no matter how much you love the man, run.

Even if he abandons her and comes back to you, you still should probably get out. He's shown such a profound lack of judgment that you really shouldn't reproduce with him. It will only end in tears.