i am never sure with these things. she doesnt have to keep that girl in her house. that girl isnt going to be saved. her husband is some time of freak, or there is WAY more to the story than we have been told. lady, get a divorce already.

maybe it is a joke. i didnt finish reading the answer.

I'm a survivor of abuse, and although I wouldn't assume that the husband is sleeping with his niece outright, the classic warning signs are there.

I was lucky enough to have loving parents who provided me with stability following what happened to me - but I can also vividly recall the bitterness and despair and disgust and the desire to destroy, destroy, DESTROY everything good around me at that age.

Many abuse survivors hate the people who show kindness to them. Why? Because they hate themselves. Deep down, they think - "wow, this person likes me? They're an idiot, then. Or else they have an ulterior motive. Nobody can like *me*. I'm scum."

How do you deal with that? Well, as many people have already mentioned - there needs to be some semblance of stability. Rules must be set, and enforced.

As much as I admire the compassion expressed in Cary's response, I must point out that the husband's behaviour is just going to undo every single positive action that the LW can embark on. He is enabling this girl's destructive tendencies, and unless he stops, there can be no happy resolution, no future step-grandchildren playing on the lawn.

LW, I agree with everyone here who says that you may be facing the disintegration of your marriage, not to mention legal problems, if something doesn't change quickly. Your husband needs to come to his senses, NOW.

The only thing I would add is that it's not only the 13-year-old who is, understandably, out of control: nothing in this entire picture is in control, neither husband, nor LW, nor any of the relationships that the protagonists have with each other.

Try building something on already severely compromised foundations, and it will all fall apart. And that is no environment in which to raise an already abused, abandoned, and misunderstood child.

I wish you well.

-- S

Unfortunately, the clock is ticking on the LW--that is, if time isn't already up. If you take the niece out of the mix, the husband's self-delusion and hostility towards wife is still a major problem--enough of a threat that it doesn't make sense for LW to waste any time or risk doing anything husband would see as a danger to his fantasy world.

I actually agree they should go to therapy. If not as a couple, then the wife should go alone. Right away. The doctor will tell them both or her alone that she must leave or have the child removed. It's that simple. The husband won't see the child's disorder and the wife is unable to shift him. Maybe an outside opinion would help. I kind of doubt it.

LW, please, please, please extricate yourself from this situation ASAP! I'm scared for you. Your husband is unfortunately an adult. You can't force him to see reason. Save yourself!

"To all those posters whose advice was just "Leave him": What's wrong with a little conversation before the divorce?"

Um, well, perhaps because husband is not listening to his wife as it is--and is consistently disrespecting and verbally abusing her. What, you want him to have more shots at her? Without respect and love there _is_ no marriage, so all this "talk it over with hubby/take him to therapy" stuff is useless, to say the least.

Cary,

I almost always agree with your advise but you missed the mark on this one.

This child is mentally ill, probably with attachment disorder and a host of other mental problems. She has no conscience and never will. She is capable of great destruction.

This woman's life, career and marriage is in danger.

These children wreck the life of the people who try to help them the most as they fear attachment and loss so completely.

You wrote:

"Niece

Maybe I'm naive, but if these letters represent a cross-section of how we, as a society, respond to a child that needs help, then I think our society is in deep trouble. There is something very disturbing to me about the fact that the desire to discard the child as quickly as possible is seen as normal while the uncle's willingness to care for his own flesh and blood is seen as so bizarre.

-- JoleneB "

You're not naive, you just don't know what this girl is dealing with. Love and attention do not cure all. She has an emotional behavioral disorder. She needs professional help and strong,clear limits that are consistently enforced. This home situation will send her further down the path of destruction. No one helps an emotionally troubled child by encouraging lies and manipulation. The husband is actually complicit in this child's ultimate destruction and something sounds "off" about him.

As a special ed teacher, I cannot see this situation as beneficial to the child or ever helping her. She is no doubt abused and troubled. However, she is also a manipulative liar as many Emot./Behavioral Disorder children are. That's "normal" as Cary says.

Your husband, however, is a complicit and totally unacceptable parent-figure. He doesn't seem to see the clear problems which makes little to no sense. It frankly sounds like your husband might have an emotional problem of his own. Your letter sounds scared and you should be scared. This situation will probably blow up in your husband's face and he may end up criminally charged.

By all means, keep a diary. By all means contact the school Special Ed Liason or Couselor. That's not all. Make it very clear to school personnel what is occurring in your home, in writing, in terms of the manipulation and lies. Contact Child Services Immediately for in-home professional help. If you are married to what I assume is the custodial guardian (your husband) you can force the situation to a head and you need to do so. Make sure that Child Services is aware that you see grave problems in the home and are not confident that this child can stay there. If need be, you must demand that she be removed.

If your marriage falls apart, so be it. This girl's problems are not for amateurs. I mean that. Get professional help immediately. Any competent social worker or doctor who has access to this child's family history will see the problems ahead. Your husband may see clearly if someone on the outside with a professional view explains the situation to him. If not, you must leave. You could both end up charged with abuse and it could ruin your lives.

Your husband is not up to dealing with this girl's problems and is actually encouraging her disordered behavior. She will never change as long as it serves her purpose not to change.