Sorry Cary, I think you've missed the boat on this one. Yes, the girl has been through a lot, yes, she needs help from social services. Wish our resources were more helpful, but the help given is often not enough to address the multiple issues. Don't know reasons she is not with mother and whether there are other family members that could take some of this burden. Yes, sexually abused children exhibit these behaviors and create a "triangle" and wedge between parents, but the pathology and sickness appear to run very deep--nine different alleged abusers? This girl's manipulation and mistrust will not be turned off by loving kindness. I hate to say it, but working with emotionally disturbed teenagers, I have seen way too many well meaning relatives have their lives turned upside down. This woman's husband is screaming at her and she is exiled to her room to watch tv? I don't think so. If the girl stays, limits need to be re-established. If husband cannot or will not do that, that is a deal breaker. This woman does not need to stand by and be a doormat.

Cary, I agree with you 100% regarding the child's behavior. But what about the husband's behavior? If this woman is going to continue to do the right thing and try to help this girl, she will need her husband to be at her side, fully engaged in the process. He simply cannot "side with" the girl. He cannot continue to berate or attack his wife based on the girl's hysterics.

"Let no good deed go unpunished."

Learn the difference between helping and rescuing.

This family needs professional help now.

I think the reason that the letter writers are so split is that we don't have enough information. It might be that nothing irrevocable has happened yet, that the husband just needs a good head derectumization ("getting his head out of his ass") - or it might be that things are permanently broken.

*The only person who can make this work out is the husband.* LW cannot possibly do this on her own.

If he isn't in too deep, reading these letters are going to be a splash of water in his face; if he is in too deep, then he's going to freak out and get dangerous.

So find someplace safe where he has no idea where you are, or is too far away to get to in an evening. Print out Cary's column, his response, and the letters... put it in an envelope and leave it somewhere where *only he will find it*... not the girl... and then split to your safe place.

His response will dictate your next move. If he responds well, you can plan a strategy *as a team* - if he responds badly, a separation will almost certainly be necessary.

But make sure you're totally out of his reach before that. I unfortunately do agree with many of the writers that something awful might be going on, and awful things unfortunately tend to escalate. :-(

The LW is in the classic "responsibility without authority" position that never does any good. She's not allowed to watch TV in her own house? Wrong, wrong, wrong. I know a couple of girls like the LW's niece, and I am sorry to say what is a disaster at 13 will only become a bigger disaster at 15 and 17 and beyond. Accusations of abuse are horrible, but that's only one of the dangers that you could face. She could get some criminal boyfriend who comes into your home and puts you in danger. She could bring drugs into your home, then you could lose your home for drug possession. She could smoke a cigarette and start a fire--hell, she could start a fire for fun. She could push you down the stairs if she gets in a temper, and god help you if you ever lay a hand on her. And let's not forget STDs and pregnancy. All she has to do is get pregnant and you'd have two generations to worry about. Certainly, I'd be checking my pocketbook to see if my credit cards and loose money were still there. If she's smart, she can pry into your financial dealings and find out anything private about you. She can use your computers for illegal activities and cause you endless amounts of trouble. If you're going to stay, you'd better get a lock for your bedroom door or keep one eye open at night.

I am not saying I don't pity that girl. I do. But I have just seen well-meaning people try to help girls like this and unless the child is willing to be helped--which this girl most certainly is not--get screwed over in the most horrible ways. Yes, children can lie out of whole cloth, both because they see some advantage in it, OR because it just strikes them at the moment.

Right now, you are not safe in your home.

...For a LW whose marriage is stable and healthy and whose husband is willing to put on a united front with her. But that's not the case here. Something is very, very wrong.

But unlike the bulk of the commenters, I'm not sure the husband is abusing the niece (or even planning to do so). He's in mourning for his brother - and now a living link to his brother has been dropped into his life. Perhaps the niece bears a strong resemblance to her father. Perhaps they're bonding over their mutual losses and troubles. The LW did not mention if she and her husband have children. Maybe the husband sees the niece as a chance to have a child, or even "save" a part of his brother. All these possibilities could explain why he's acting the way he is. He's gone ga-ga for the kid (in a non-sexual way, mind you). But since he has no parenting experience, he's taking the path of least resistance, giving the niece whatever she wants. Both he and the LW are clearly unable to deal with the niece's problems. But it's going to be hard for him to admit that to himself; in his mind, it might be tantamount to rejecting his brother. Heck, maybe he even thinks that once this period of crisis and adjustment subsides, his marriage will go back to normal. But there's no way to know for sure because the LW isn't talking to him! And she needs to do so right away.

Before she walks out, before she calls a lawyer or CPS or anything else, she needs to talk to her husband. If he refuses to speak to her, then she has her answer and she should leave and get the proper authorities involved. But maybe, just maybe, the husband is not completely aware of what he's doing. He's been through a lot, too. We're only taking the LW's side because we can't hear his side. He's the one who lost his brother - and he's had the niece dumped into his life just as unexpectedly as the LW.

But the husband isn't allowed to have a voice in this because, sadly, a lot of the commenters here seem to assume that every man is a potential predator.