When you're in charge of kids on an airplane, the crew explains something very important: in the event of an emergency, the adult must make sure their oxygen mask is on first, *then* help the child put theirs on. If the kid faints or gets woozy beforehand, they'll be OK once the oxygen kicks in -- but if the *adult* faints because they were busy trying to help the kid first, they could both end up dead.

The parallel applies to people trying to help others in psychological need, whether it's an alcoholic partner, mentally ill parents, or messed-up young relative. Letting the teen act this way could do long-term harm to the woman (constant stress of that kind can trigger clinical depression) and is destroying the marriage -- both of which eliminates the woman's ability to help her and jeopardizes that husband's ability as well. If the husband can't grasp this and at the very least act as a surrogate-parenting team -- that is, re-establish him & the wife as the team in charge and the girl as an adopted visitor -- he's only damaging all of them.

Honestly, it sounds like the writer has her head on right in saying that the marriage is toast. Her husband isn't merely being foolish with a severely underage girl: he's siding with the girl in situations where no respectful partner ever would, and being verbally/emotionally abusive (certainly showing NO respect) towards his wife. If nothing else, the woman should take a "vacation" to go visit a friend or her mother, and let her mind heal a bit so she can get a good objective look at things.

Also, sad to say, I recognized the description of the girl's childhood and her behavior all too well in my own mother. Abandonment & abuse at the right early stage can (and in Mom's case, did) cause something called Narcissistic Personality disorder. A few hallmarks of "N" behavior are bizarre jealousy, lying/exaggerating (often in unrealistic ways), manipulation, and turning other couples/friends/relatives against one another. Unfortunately, very few Ns have ever been successfully treated; they won't believe anything could be wrong with them, and therefore only continue their "games" using the therapist. (Still, better than doing it to you...)

If the letter-writer sees this and the above sounds familiar: the web has useful info sites, plus Yahoo & LiveJournal have great support groups. (My name links to the info & links page for one excellent little group I used to be active in.) A pathological narcissist causes damage that can take a very long time to get over after we leave, since they don't just abuse, they wreck our trusting/loving bonds with those closest to us if they can as well.

I hope you get through this situation safely -- I hate the idea of another needlessly dealing with the kind of damage I've had to struggle with. Good luck, I'll have you in my thoughts.

Coulda driven her to Nebraska.

What the fuck is wrong with you? I mean, seriously.

Cary has TOTALLY missed the point of the ORIGINAL letter requesting help. He doesn't even mention the husband in his response. Wake up dude....

Sorry, I don't mean to be flip. It is a really moving letter. The pitch is pretty frantic to begin with.

_Allie, I've always enjoyed your perspective, and now I have even more respect for you.

As a former Child Protective Services case manager, however, I'm going with nefariousmuse on this one. The bond between the adults in this scenario has been deeply fractured, and it stinks in an all too familiar way. Unfortunately, childhood sexual abuse is so common that "where there's smoke, there's fire," most certainly should be heeded. Whether or not the husband is actually molesting the girl, this is certainly headed in the wrong direction. The LW needs to take bold action, without question. Get to safety and negotiate from there, if indeed there can be any negotiating.

It may sound terrible cynical. It may be true that the girl and the husband are bonding over shared pain that the wife cannot understand, but that is only part of the story. As another poster pointed out, kids like this do not know appropriate boundaries, and believe me you would be shocked to find out how many otherwise respectable, grown men will cross that line even though they know it is wrong wrong wrong. That there is conspiratorial intimacy going on between the girl and the husband, is obvious, and that should be enough for this woman to leave, but trust me, here, the risk is incredibly high that there is something more going on, or about to go on.

Dear LW...You had a good intention when you suggested that your husband help out his brother's daughter. Then it all fell apart. Why? Because this 13-yr-old (13 is the new 20, by the way) is way beyond the tools in your toolkit. You don't mention that you have children of your own, so you may have no experience..really..in teenage mood swings, let alone severe traumatization. While you meant well, your house has become just another battleground in this young girl's life. You never meant that to happen, but it did. And your husband is clueless and maybe not well-intentioned.

Get help immediately, for yourself first. Without you saving yourself, without your own psychological survival, neither you or your husband will be able to help this young girl to save herself. She has to be taught to save herself through the imposition of limits, consequences ('if you do this, then this will happen'), warmth, love and consequences with follow-through. Did I mention loving consequences? It's rotten that you have to be the strong one but you seem to be the only candidate. You're being steamrollered by your husband but you have to lead the way because you seem to be the only one doing any thinking.

I would suggest starting with any services offered by the school, if you belong to any religious group then go there, and then get yourself to one of the 12-step groups designed for family members of out-of-control people or kids. The right 12-step group can help you by letting you know you are not alone, this has happened to others, and the group will share their experiences and strengths with you. Your life needs to be saved, too.

Cary is way off on this one.